Shadows

Shadows

Oh attractive shadow,
how your cool blue hues
tempt me.
Your cool, refreshing puddles
seem so inviting,
but who knows
what lurks in the dark depths
of your mysterious corners.
Slowly creeping over the earth,
you are a steady traveler
and a companion to any
who rises with the morning star.



Just a little something I came up with last night.
~Yoyo

Hey, this was good!
I only caught two things with the punctuation:

Oh attractive shadow
how your cool blue hues

There should be a comma after 'shadow'.

Slowly creeping over the earth
you are a steady traveler,
and a companion to any

No comma after 'traveler', it needs to be after 'earth'.

Great job!
~Sometimes~

Hey yoyo! This was altogether good, simple, clear, and compelling; good emotion. Your rythm and capitalization are spot on. For punctuation, I'd make the changes Sometimes said.

However... The word attractive in the first line doesn't really seem to fit, it seems too... obvious. Not that it's meaning is too obvious, it just doesn't seem to go with the mysterious mood of this piece. It's up to you.

"who rises with the morning star." This line almost doesn't make sense to me; I sort of think I understand it, but you don't want to leave your readers in any doubt of what you mean... at least, not like that, not so that they're confused. Is it supposed to mean they're early risers? Of course, I feel like I've been saying that about a lot of things, that I'm confused...

The other thing is, what is the mood you're going for? Because I feel like the mood changed completely, and abruptly, after the line 'of your mysterious corners.' You go from kind of mysterious, and, erm, shadowy, to... the whole traveling thing just changes the mood. Sorry I'm not being very specific, but it's something to think about, right? Think about the mood you were trying to create, and make sure that everything expresses exactly what you want it to.

Just some things to think about, but this was really good, structure was perfect, rythm was awesome (rythm of my big thing).


*adna*

Hey yoyo!!

Slowly creeping over the earth,
you are a steady traveler
and a companion to any
who rises with the morning star.

I don't understand this part...

Otherwise, good job! I like how each line wasn't capitalized (although I've heard it should be). It flowed great!

Hello!

I really enjoyed this. It was short and beautiful, you said a lot in just a few words.

Oh attractive shadow,
how your cool blue hues
tempt me.

**This part seemed just a little too bland and didn't have any real hidden meaning. I'm only saying this because the rest of the poem was much better and had great imagery. So I compared it to that.

Your cool, refreshing puddles
seem so inviting,
but who knows
what lurks in the dark depths
of your mysterious corners.

**My favorite part! I love all the hidden meanings in this. Definately the stronger part of the poem.

Slowly creeping over the earth,
you are a steady traveler
and a companion to any
who rises with the morning star.

**I do like this part by itself. But when you suddenly go to "Slowly creeping over the earth" I'm quiet confused. It seems like there should be a better transition between those two parts.

PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Happy editing!
~Rieda

Ugh... usually I'm a fan of your poetry, but this seemed to have too many adjectives for its own good. Better luck next time?

If any errors, everyone else seems to have caught them. I found this very intiguing( excuse me if mis-spelled). Probably because I love the night and the mystery every shadow holds within.

Cool!

D7M