Eboney's Sea

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This is the first thing that i have written and probably needs a lot of work.
thanks for reading.


The suns light glanced through the curtains of her cabin window. It then shown brightly on her full length mirror which reflected an image of herself that she barely recognized. She wore a long pale blue dress that was tight around her waist making it hard to breath. Her dark red hair was set up in a
high bun of curls. What she had to go through to simply walk on the god forsaken land was almost too much to bear. Soon she must go up and great her crew. They would surely be young faced and eager. They also wouldn’t think of her as anything but the captains daughter whom they so wanted to bring home to their parents with a ring upon her finger.

This was a mere dream of theirs, however, and she was about to shatter it before it got out of hand, for she had a ship to govern. She must show her father that she could take care of the fleet he had spent much of his life creating. Thinking this Eboney forced herself up the dark wooden steps to the deck above. Shealyn was digging her mighty claws into Eboney's shoulder her eyes readily seeking out the new arrivals.

The sun kissed her cheeks pleasantly first, then the grey city that lay off to the west, and finally the faces of twelve young men. Upon seeing her they all lined up next to one another bowing their heads. They are all so young. Eboney thought as she proceeded to observe them from her perch on the topmost deck. They were merely boys and yet Eboney knew her father’s retort to this. You know that you are hardly a woman yourself. He would say simply when she asked why he would give her such a young crew.
Dismissing this thought she turned her attention to her meager crew.

“Well men,” She finally spoke, “I would like to introduce you to your captain.” They all looked up at her smiling. “Me.” For a split second they looked almost bemused. As if a woman could be a captain, were their thoughts and Eboney knew this.

“Now first things first, your names,” she pointed at the first man. He had a head of bright red hair and freckles dappled over his nose.

“Benjamin Long,” He said proudly.

“Thomas Greebs,” The next said.

“Luke McDonalds…” and so on they said their names. Eboney couldn’t remember them all and frankly lost count. There were so many and they all seemed to blend together into one young man that could hardly yield a sword let alone actually fight upon the seas.

“Have any of you ever learned to fight with a sword?” the question was more rhetorical and she had said it a bit rudely but if the men were ever to fight pirates they would have to have some skill. To her amazement one of them did raise his hand. He was scrawny with peach colored skin and bleach blond hair. “You have?” She said surprised.

“Yes,” He muttered.

“Well we will have to see you skill level, but that will be later, for first I have some conditions to go over.” She said pulling out a sheet of parchment from the folds of her dress. “I warn you all that if any of you are prone to sea sickness get over it at this point, and if you are afraid of pirates to get your sorry land-loving legs off my ship.” Eboney snapped harshly. She had no patients for men who were scared. “No one? Okay then, next I will be referred to as Captain and nothing more. If you disagree with this feel free to come and see me, however, just because I am a woman does not mean that I’m not tougher then you.” They seemed taken back by this and she even caught one of the men snickering.

“Finally I only have one rule. No pirate sets foot on my ship if his head is not mine within thirty seconds so you all probably need to tune up your fighting skills.”
"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader."-Robert Frost

"Dreams are the future in rough draft."




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Hello! I'm going to review your work today. The first thing I noticed is the way you spelled "Eboney" I don't know if that's intentional, but it's traditionally spelled "Ebony."


CaitE Baloney wrote:The sun's light glanced through the curtains of her cabin window. It then shined brightly on her full length mirror which reflected an image of her that she barely recognized. She wore a long pale blue dress that was tight around her waist making it hard to breath. Her dark red hair was set up in a
high bun of curls. What she had to go through to simply walk on the god forsaken land was almost too much to bear. Soon she must go up and great her crew. They would surely be young faced and eager. They also wouldn’t think of her as anything but the captains daughter whom they so wanted to bring home to their parents with a ring upon her finger.


I think you should work on your introduction a bit more and your wording. It's a bit awkward...I think you should combine the last two "they" sentences since it's repetitive. Other than that, what do you mean by "go up and great her crew"?

This was a mere dream of their's, however, and she was about to shatter it before it got out of hand, for she had a ship to govern. She must show her father that she could take care of the fleet he had spent much of his life creating. Thinking this Eboney forced herself up the dark wooden steps to the deck above. Shealyn was digging her mighty claws into Eboney's shoulder her eyes readily seeking out the new arrivals.


This is a bit of a tense inconsistency.

“Well men,” She finally spoke, “I would like to introduce you to your captain.” They all looked up at her smiling. “Me.” For a split second they looked almost bemused. As if a woman could be a captain, were their thoughts and Eboney knew this.


I think the last sentence is also awkward...

“Now first things first, your names,” she pointed at the first man. He had a head of bright red hair and freckles dappled over his nose.


I think you should re-word the description...

“Benjamin Long,” He said proudly.


Remember, in dialogue you always have the "he said/she said/they said/I said/etc. lower-cased.

Hmm....this is an interesting piece, but confusing. I think you need to expand it and I add a backstory to the character so we can better understand her. Also, you should try working on your wording - it stunts the flow of the writing and makes it sound choppy. You should read your work aloud and listen to how it sounds.

Anyways, your hook was promising, but it also should be re-worded. I actually liked the description of your character (I think you should write into the story more often about how the dress/girdle is uncomfortable and how hot it is to parallel to it better).

Other wise, a promising story but the plot is rather vague. You should flesh it out a some more.
Maybe you should kiss someone nice or lick a rock, or both - Regina Spektor




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Alright let's get started.

It then shown brightly on her full length mirror which reflected an image of herself that she barely recognized.

I'd personally get rid of the word 'then'. You don't need it, so why use it?
She wore a long pale blue dress that was tight around her waist making it hard to breath.

Put a comma after 'long'. When you have more than one thing describing something you use a comma. For example, 'The tall, white building.' Also put a comma 'waist'.
Soon she must go up and great her crew.

I think you meant to spell 'great' as 'greet'.
They also wouldn’t think of her as anything but the captains daughter whom they so wanted to bring home to their parents with a ring upon her finger.

Put an apostrophe before the 's' in 'captains'. And put a comma after daughter.
Thinking this Eboney forced herself up the...

Put a comma after 'this'.
Shealyn was digging her mighty claws into Eboney's shoulder her eyes readily seeking out the new arrivals.

Is Shaelyn a bird? When did she come into the picture? You may want to specify those things, but mostly just when the bird came in. All you have to do is tell us when the bird gets on her shoulder.
They are all so young. Eboney thought as...

Instead of a period use a comma. When someone is thinking or speaking something, you never end it with a period. End it with either a comma, an exclamation point, or a question mark.
He had a head of bright red hair and freckles dappled over his nose.

I actually like this description. Especially the dappled freckles part.

I know that was a long critique, but don't worry. That's only grammar stuff. Your pure writing skill is really great. It had great descriptions and I enjoyed reading it. PM me when the next part comes out and I'll review it.
That's all. Good job and keep up the good work.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.




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Thank you all so much for the help. I really appreciate it. I am also glad that you like the story.
well thanks again
Cait
"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader."-Robert Frost

"Dreams are the future in rough draft."




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Very good. Especially since your a first time writer. I really just have two things to say:

1.) Your actual writing 'voice' is good -- you'd make a great writer (don't know if your going to keep writing or not).

2.) I can't predict what's going to happen but your main character seems similar to Elizabeth Swan, except she doesn't want to become a pirate




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Oooh, I liked the story. The way you spelled Eboney's name sort of annoyed me, I think it doesn't need the second "e" (the tree is spelled 'ebony') but it's all up to you- it's your story! Okay, now I go through and tell you what's wrong. Such fun (for me, not you)

First sentence: should be "shone" not "shown". Your spelling is the past tense of "to show". Next, I don't like the "It" that begins the next sentence. Try "The ____ rays shone..." This will sound smoother, and adjectives always add color to a piece.

Next, I'm not sure why she's dressed up. As this is in Fantasy Fiction, I'm certain there'll be unusual and fantastic ^_^ doings and happenings, but in most settings, captains dress comfortably and rather casually, so as to be able to work.

Now, go over, find all your possesive nouns (the other reviewers found most of them) and add the proper apostrophes and whatnot. Readers hate, just hate, improper punctuation. It's confusing, and I'm sure you can fix it in a snap!

The dialogue is also a bit shaky. It sounds real, but you want to make it conform to the setting- namely nautical, perhaps colonial speech. Near the end, Eboney notes that her crew might want to touch up on their swordsmanship and such. Make her sound more old-fashioned, with no "probablys" and those kinds of words. They sound modern, for some reason. Try "you should, or it would be a good idea" or "practice your fighting skills or I'll see no reason to keep you on this ship, and I'm sure the sharks are plenty hungry."

Your last sentence needs to be rewritten, as it is very hard to understand, and if you keep part of it, "finally" needs a dash or comma after it.

One last thing- you write "taken back by this" when it should be "taken aback"

I apologise if I've been redundant, repeated what others have said, or upset you. (have to put that in just in case!) I can't wait for the next installment!

feel free to PM me with any questions!
me: why can we kill for Jesus and not Muhammed?
my best friend: because Jesus is white.
me: that's not fair!
her: and what is?



I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest