Wishing for change

It comes in three parts.

Part I


The same houses, the same shops, the same park with the rusty swings. Everything here is the same, and I am sick of it. I sat down on the grass bank, I opened my bag. Even the same lunch. I just wish for a little change around here.

"Chie-chan, wake up now!" I felt my sister climb on my bed to wake me.
"Okay, okay. Just give me a minute" I said annoyed. I picked up my alarm. I looked at it tiredly, I could only just make out the numbers. 8:30 I shot up like a bolt of lightening. "Damn.. I should have been ready an hour ago" I said rushing downstairs, The same kitchen with the same egg and bacon smell.
"No breakfast today Chie, your late" my mother said shaking her head. I felt an earthquake in my stomach. I huffed and left the house. The same garden with overgrown grass blew in the wind as i walked past. "Tamaki-san!" I shouted waving.
"Morning,wait! come on we are late, I was waiting at the bus stop for you" Tamaki said rushing off without me. I ran along side her, but I was soon out of breath. I could see the same school building from where I was. The bell rung as we arrived through the gates.
"hm.. we weren't too late" I said shrugging.

We walked through the double doors to go to homeroom. "hm.. it is empty" I exclaimed, Tamaki watched me as I walked ahead. Tamaki stopped and looked through a classroom window on the door. "Chie.." I stopped, the way he said it made me feel scared. "Y-yes" I answered. "The school.. Is empty!" Tamaki said, the air felt cold, We searched the entire school. We couldn't find anyone, no teachers. Nobody. Finally a change.


Part II


We sat in a classroom for a break. "Whats the time?" I asked.
"...8:30am" said Tamaki confused. "huh? what the hell?"
"My mother said I was late, I-I heard the bell.." I started to panic.
"M-maybe my watch is wrong, I.." Tamaki paused as he pointed behind me, I heard a crash, another. Then another.

Everyone took there seats as we stood in panic and confusion. Tamaki grabbed the table for support, it was getting hard to stand up. "what were you pointing at?" I asked puzzled.
I felt something tugging my skirt. My eyes widened in fear, I felt the warm fingers touching me. I blushed as I turned around, there was nobody there, but I could still feel the fingering.

I was pushed into a desk, I stared at the kid sat there. I opened my mouth to scream but nothing came out. "o-ooooh" I managed to say as the blank skin stared at me. No eyes. No mouth. No nose. It stood up and ripped my top off, Tamaki tryed to attack the blank boy but his penis was exposed to me and I was forced into a blowjob. I sat mouthful of cum.


Part III

I Stood up and turned around I suddenly grabbed Tamaki and we began to run, We ran and ran and ran but wherever we turned it was dangerous.

"Tamaki, this is my fault" I said gasping for air, the run had killed me.
"No Chie! I-Its not your fault, I LOVE YOU" he shouted as he was dragged away but giant tentacles.

I sat on my bed and put my fingers beneath me, i spread out my legs and pushed them in and out, Wow what a fantasy, I thought as I masturbated.


-End-

I didn't really like this too much. It was quite odd, and I didn't like the fact that this was a masturbation story. It didn't make sense, and I was really confused. It started out promising, though, when she woke up, but it just went downhill from there.

Hey, Miya!

I'm with Emily--the start to your story was quite good. It's kind of a nightmare--everyone hates that feeling..

A few things to talk about:

WHY DON'T PEOPLE WEAR SHOES?

Having braved the woes of the Japanese public transportation system myself, I could tell you it's probably a lot more common for schoolchildren to take a train, rather than a bus. I'm not certain--you could have seen something different--but buses were relatively rare. I think the only times I saw one was when I was in it for tours and such. During homestay? Trains, trains, trains...

Additionally, eggs and bacon is Western food. Your average-everyday family would probably have cold cereal or miso soup and rice. They go light for breakfast. It's a relatively American thing to pig out in the wee hours of the morning.

Writing about other cultures is fun, but you really have to do your research. I still have problems writing things set in Japan, and I've recently begun a story with a lot of Iranian characters. But it's a tremendous thing to be able to say that you understand another culture--or another religion, even--enough to write about it. Ready to take it on?

ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS

The thing that I think was unsettling about this piece was the lack of "tying up loose ends". Your beginning and end do not coincide. Change does not equal masturbation. So why would you structure your story that way?

If you have to start with a metaphor or some clearly nominal idea, you need to end with some sort of explanation for it. Otherwise, the leader is just kind of sitting there going, "WTF?" Which is not a good thing.

T.M.I. IS JUST HOW I ROLL

...or rather, my explanation for the nasties I put in my stories.

But you grossed out me, the Queen of Gross-Out. It wasn't so much subject matter, as far as being shocking--it was subject matter as far as being pointless. Go all out in your graphic description, but never, ever, ever, ever use gratuitous sex or violence in your work. Capice?

Everything has to have a reason or a symbolism, but where I looked to find symbols made no sense. The being "forced" into fellatio would be a means of submission, but then she's doing it to herself, it makes absolutely no sense. You could try to pull it off as an allegory for "submitting to carnal desires", but you would have to change the tone of this piece. Think about it it, and rewrite.

__

Feel free to PM if you have any questions or want me to take a look at something else. ^_^

Wow. Well, this was certainly...different.

As I was reading it, I wasn't too sure that I liked it. When I got to the end and finally realized that it was all a "dream" or whatnot, it made a bit more sense, but I still wasn't sure I exactly liked it.

Sorry if that was a little harsh...but I'm brutally honest.