"My Book" (preface)

a) I like it.
b) We are kindred spirits
c) I love helping people, especially the ones who appreciate it. ^_^ No idea why, I just do. =P

A) i am eternally grateful to you for the time you are taking on my writing

B )you are on my "favorite people" list

C) um....i am eternally grateful to you for the time you are taking on my writing

i'm i boy of few words


Brilliant

w00t!! go vampires!!! (and werewolves....i can never pick between them...>.>)

very good. love the description, although it could use a little more, and not just in the alleyway.

That night was my last, although.

that doesn't quite make sense. you should only use that if you're comparing/contrasting something previously.

i would also like to know a little more about the main character. all we know as of yet is that she's a vampire and how she was bitten. we don't even know her hair color.

but, overall, it has very good potential. just work a little more on your descriptions and i think you might have something great here.

^_^

~enjeru

Hey there! I think you have a good start here. A nice, mysterious opening, some good description, high atmosphere and a very strong, natural tone. However, I think it could be improved. I agree that more description of the persona could be used and also, add something more, don't let this be just your typical vampire story. Girl goes out drinking. Girl walks home via the dark alley. Girl gets bitten.

Maybe add some dialogue between the girl and the vampire. Is there any hesitation there? He inflicts a wound to her head so describe that event in more detail. Clearly he's a violent vampire but is there any sexual attraction in this for him? And you haven't described the biting itself. She's still human at that point. Does she resist or is she mesmerised by him? What's her last thought? And try to avoid anything cliche there - it could be the perfect moment to get some real character shown because there's been little of that so far other than the fact that she's cautious.

Here's a few small suggestions -

That night was my last, although. My last night as a human, anyways. [This could be smoother. perhaps 'That night was my last. My last night as a human.' Or maybe change it altogether. Go for the other perspective like - 'It was a night of firsts. The first time he said 'I love you', the first time I walked along a dark alley, mindless of my safety, and it was the first time that I died.']

It was late April and the weather was unseasonably cool, but nothing could compare[s]d[/s] to the chill I felt [s]from[/s] at the sight of my attacker.

The bricks of the two buildings I was between were old and had begun to crumble in [s]certain[/s] places, the mortar too weak to hold things together any longer.

So, instead of paying attention to the alleyways I had been advised to avoid, I was lost in my little daydreams [s]about Ryan[/s]. [His name starts to get repetetive and it's redundant here.]

______________________

In general, your writing is good and this has potential but try to make it more unique. That can be hard where vampire stories are concerned but I think you could manage it. The inclusion of the relationship with Ryan already helps.

All credit for this crit to sleeping valor for recommending the story to me,

Heather xx

hey, thank you so much for that review. honestly, my preface is my least favorite part of the whole book. i get so many suggestions on how to improve it and i'm really not surprised or offended. anyway, i think i'm just going to eventually re-write the whole preface and scrap the old one. i will definitely use your critique because i think you had a lot of good ideas there. again thanks for reading and review and thanks sleeping valor for having my back

XD No problem. I am so bogged down with school I haven't had time to read your story, so it was the least I could do. >.<

PM me when you do the new preface!! ^_^

alright i definitely will. and yeah, i havent had much time to read your story either, sorry about that. anyway, i saw that you have a bunch of threads on it and some say revised or something? when you get a chance, send me the links you have for the final versions of your chapters/parts please.