When there's nowhere to run

When there's nowhere to run,
and nowhere to hide.
When your oar is broken,
fighting the tide
But a soul like yours
shuffles to your side,
simply to be there to
ask why you had cried.
When they just knew,
not to try and make you laugh.
For 'that night' when you stayed up.
And in the times when you wondered
How can you not be my family?
Because didn’t have to choose,
it was so easy to see.
For the unexpected visit,
In the day when
light was begining to
touch the dew.
When their response to your news
is brisk and comforting
'Why didn’t you tell me before?'
True friends, thick as thieves
When you cupped your hands together
to hold the same views.
For the times when you fought
and you didn’t care who won.
Because a true friend will be there
When there's nowhere to run.

...Okay. I started to do a line-by-line critique of this piece, but, forgive me, it's just not worth it. The entire concept is hackneyed, and not even presented in a fresh way. The rhyme scheme? Bubblegum. I suggest you try blank or free verse, because obviously rhyming isn't working for you if the best you can come up with are these second-grade rhymes. As to your punctuation--stop abusing it! What did it do to you?

Better luck next time.

I think you're focusing too much on the rhyme and not enough on the story. Give us full details on the juicier parts of what is happening as this poem occurs. Then it'll be much more interesting. And don't worry about rhyming! You don't have to... honest. Just let it come out from the soul. It'll be poetic enough, trust me.

Thanks guys for the comments. I'm having a serious case of hindsight were i see exactly what your saying- i think im going to axe the rhyming scheme, for sure!

But busboys and poets- the sarcasm? Not appreciated.

Eimearxx

I've had that exact feeling. I post something here and people make a few comments and I look back and realize it was horrible. NOT that this was horrible! Just needs some work. Like Snoink said, I'd concentrate on the story without worrying about the rhyming.
I'd also suggest breaking it down into verses and adding more punctuation. Everything seemed kind of meshed together and I couldn't always tell where one thought ended and another began.

Happy editing!


*adna*

I'd have to agree with the above posts, and add that while I think B&P's humour was a little harsh, it wasn't intended as sarcasm - you do need to work on those points that he mentioned. Also, try to avoid some of the more overused phrases: things like "thick as thieves" or "nowhere to run ... nowhere to hide" have been seen in bad internet poetry since time immemorial; a good rule of thumb is, if you think you've heard it somewhere before, don't use it unless you're able to twist it in a way that presents it as new.

Anyway, good luck with this one, I hope to see a redraft appearing soon.