heavenly voice

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I would like to mention that this is an excerpt of a novel I am currently working on. At this point in the story, a girl named Rika and her two brothers have come to collect their long lost sister, Paitra. On arrival, Rika finds that Paitra is a traveling performer. Before confronting Paitra, Rika stops and witnesses what Paitra does for performances. Each of the siblings has a special ability. Paitra’s ability is that she can effect the emotions of those around her at will.

She stared out to those gathering around her in silence, her expressionless face with an air about it that simply demanded the attention of those prepared to watch. When all was quiet, she took a deep breath in, and let it out in an impossibly long, solid, sensational note. And then, as if the very angels of the spirit world and heaven itself had been called out to, the whole world stopped and gazed at this girl, this Child, and became deliciously awed in her presence. The wonder and joy and bliss was so full and whole, it was practically tangible.
Then Paitra danced.
Rika had thought she knew what dancing was, or at least had the jest of it. But not now, not anymore. Paitra sang one note after the next, carefully forming words much too meaningful to be real, to be true. There was no need for musical instruments. She was the music. Such a sweet, gorgeous sound resounded from within her, the steady thrumming beat kept carefully by the sway and leap and impossibly wondrous move to her otherworldly dance. The crowd grew bigger as more people heard, and then saw what was clouding their senses, and replacing their very heart and soul with a happiness so blissful and innocent, it couldn’t be real. In a hundred thousand years, through this life and the next, and the next these people would never forget this. This girl who danced and sang like the world itself had absorbed the heavens. They would never forget this girl who stole their souls, cleansed them with all things wondrous, and then returned them with an angel’s touch. This girl who’s beautiful thoughts, dreams, and love could only be seen when she sang to the rhythm of her body would always be remembered.
And then, with one last blissful twirl, one last smile, one last note of longing, it was over. The silence of the physical world brought back to them in a subtle motion so swift, it left many staggered in it’s presence. After a small moment of silence, people began cheering and Paitra’s expression once again became unreadable. Picking up her worn gray hat from where she had set it on the ground, she made her way swiftly through the crowd to collect her well earned coins. The most stingy of people were generous when rewarding her with fat gold coins.
Insperation is like a shower; it always wears off. That's why it's recommended daily.




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La Esmeralda! What are you doing in the future? :P

Just kidding.

1: You should not have to explain to the reader what the story is about. That means that you are not doing your job, as a writer.

2: Show and don't tell. Please. This is "she did this" and "she did that" and "her voice was lurvly" and... I can't hear her voice in my mind. I can't even see her dance. You aren't using strong enough adjectives and verbs -- "dancing" is far too general. What kind of dance? A tango for one? An imitation of Bert Parks (oh, my, that would be funny!), or perhaps the oh-so-luffly Numa Numa? What was she wearing, and how did it move in synch with her dancing? Does she have earrings that tinkle in tune with the song, or a bracelet?

What kind of song was she singing? Lyrics? Was it a drone? Was it full of flats and sharps? Was it haunting? Was it merry?

You can't "defy description" when you're writing something. It just doesn't work -- and I shouldn't be asking these sorts of questions! We get that Paitra can dance, and that she can weave a sort of spell over the heads of an audience, but as the reader, we can't have an opinion because you're judging her for us.


3: Grammar check. Do you use Word? It usually has that.

4: Space up your text! It's so hard to read block text, and it puts off a lot of reviewers.

I think you should completely re-write this scene, and bear in mind the details to bring the world to life.

If you post any more of this story, I'd be happy to critique. Just send me a PM with a link. :)

Cheers!
~Sumi
ohmeohmy




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I think you could split this into a few paragraphs so it's easy for people to read.

I love how you described the people coming to see her but like Sumi i think you should descibe everything with more detail. The reader hardly has any idea what she looks like and how she is actually dancing and everything.

good luck :D
Formely known as Fairy_twinkletoes_13

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Very well; I hear; I admit, but I have a voice too, and for good or evil mine is the speech that cannot be silenced.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness