Ghost of the Prophecy

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Chapter One- Breaking Curfew

I like to think that there are two different worlds. One is bright, clear, and safe. The other is dark, full of shadows and danger. Day and Night.
Ona, the Head Librarian, taught me I have nothing to fear from the second world, while the first is an enemy to conquer. In the daylight, in the world lit by the harsh sun, secrets can be stowed away, and smiles can conceal daggers. Night, she says, for all its lack of light, illuminates the secrets I should truly fear. “Never trust a person you’ve seen only by day,” she’s said a thousand times.

Those words floated through my mind as I slipped outside the Library, leaving the door ajar. For someone who claims to believe I’ve nothing to fear from the night, Ona seems awfully concerned for my safety when I break curfew. Last time she caught me, I was forbidden to leave my small antechamber for two days, and all my books were taken away. That was last year- before the plague struck.

Despite the fact that night is as safe as high noon, I was frightened as I made my way silently down the narrow corridor towards the Mirror Room. Candles on the wall flickered softly making the shadows dance. Perhaps, I thought, night is frightening in its own right.

Heavy, uneven footsteps made me retreat into a dark corner, unlit by any lamp or candle, and shrink down inside my clothing. Muttering reached me in my hiding place, sounding slightly drunk and angry. A man’s voice, about thirty or forty, if my ears served me well.

“Out of bed…not my job…when the King hears about this…where is he…I ought to thrash…” Confused, I leaned forward slightly, straining to hear more clearly what the man was saying. Apparently, the two inches difference in my location didn’t work sufficiently to give me a decent idea of who the man was looking for, but I did get a glimpse of dark leather boots, a fine tunic embellished with the Royal Seal, and a sword dangling from a scabbard. Why was a royal guard looking for someone out of bed?

It seemed to take forever for the guard to reach the end of the corridor, and even longer for his footsteps to fade away completely. I exhaled with a whoosh, my tension draining away. He hadn’t seen me.

I leaned forward, stretching to get the stiffness out of my neck, restraining a yawn. A shining, gleaming pendant swung out of my tunic, suspended on a fine silver chain. My hand reached up to hold it and I clutched the moon pendant tightly, feeling the smoothness against my palm, the edges digging into my flesh as held onto it as if for dear life. In some way, I guess I was holding on for something akin to life- a place where I’d belong. For thirteen years, I’d lived in the Palace Library, raised by stern librarians who were hesitant in their willingness to provide me with a home. The only thing that truly was mine, that they didn’t have the right to take away, was the necklace and pendant.

A moonbeam that landed on my pendant pulled me from my reverie. I tucked it away again, so it was hidden beneath my threadbare grey tunic. It wouldn’t do for an unwanted orphan like me to have anything so fine hanging about my neck. Anyone would think I’d stolen the pendant on its chain.

Shaking my head to dislodge the weighty memories like so many cobwebs, I stole out of the corner, careful to stay within reach of the stone wall as I headed towards the staircase I knew led to the Mirror Room. I hadn’t seen my reflection since before the plague had struck, and I wanted to know how I looked. Ona would have dismissed my desire as vain and silly, but the Mirror Room beckoned nevertheless.

At last, I reached the staircase, wound in a tight spiral, that lead to my destination. The steps were hard, uncarpeted stone, the banister unpolished and aged, smooth as a pebble worried at by the sea. Not that I’ve ever held a pebble like that. The sea’s miles and miles away from the Palace, and the farthest I’ve ventured from the Library is to Market Street, which I can run to without tiring.

At the top of the stairs, a window stood between two doors, one labeled “Mirrors” in ancient, faded script, the other titled “Spare parchment.” I knew, from experience and questioning the servants, that both of these rooms had newer counterparts on the First Floor of the Palace, where the Royal Family could reach them without so much trouble. But no one had ever bothered to remove the mirrors or spare parchment from these rooms, and I opened the creaky door with a small smile on my face.

There was no light in the room, and I grabbed a candle, lighting it with a match held in my skirt’s pocket, then hurried to my favorite mirror, one that was tall and narrow, with gilded edges.

I didn’t recognize the girl staring back at me.

She was too thin, bony, sickly looking, with eyes large in her pale face. A long braid of hair hung down her back, its dark brown seeming black in the dim candle light. I moved one hand to my face, and the girl in the mirror did the same, in perfect sync with my motion. Of course. The shadow of Aliya who stared at me was really me! A tear slid down my face, leaving a shiny trail.

I’d known the plague had taken much of me with it, leaving me skinnier than before, paler, weaker. But even when I took the time to ponder my appearance, I’d never thought I’d look like, like- a banshee! No wonder people muttered after me.

Furious at the mirror for showing me as the creature I was, I turned away quickly, storming to the door so fast a swirl of dust rose up behind me. The hallway was dark, the lone window showing only half of the waning moon.

The back of my neck prickled, and in one movement I spun around, eyes straining to see anything, anyone. My gaze fell to the stairs, and I saw a second set of footprints through the layer of gray dust. I followed the tracks to the other door, which said ‘Spare Parchment’ in its faded scrawl.

A creak, the whisper of door against floorboards, and a pair of eyes, darkly colorless in the gloom, met mine.
-------------

Thanks for reading, and please critique. Also, if anyone could possibly PM me with a better title, that'd be wonderful!
Last edited by Pickle810 on Sat Mar 08, 2008 12:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
me: why can we kill for Jesus and not Muhammed?
my best friend: because Jesus is white.
me: that's not fair!
her: and what is?




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You need to break this up to make it easier to read...but I'll review anyways...

Pickle810 wrote:Chapter One- Breaking Curfew
Last time she caught me, I was forbidden to leave my small antechamber for two days and all my books were taken away. That was last year before the plague struck.


Take out the comma. Commas aren't necessary after all "and"s. :wink:

Despite the fact that night is as safe as high noon, I was frightened as I made my way silently down the narrow corridor towards the Mirror Room. Candles on the wall flickered softly making the shadows dance. Perhaps, I thought, night is frightening in its own right.


There's three things wrong here. The first sentence didn't make much sense to me, and I don't believe you need some of those commas. I bolded them.

Heavy, uneven footsteps made me retreat into a dark corner, unlit by any lamp or candle, and shrink down inside my clothing. Muttering reached me in my hiding place, sounding slightly drunk and angry. A man’s voice, about thirty or forty, if my ears served me well.


I changed that to make the flow sound better...Also how can she approximate an age by sound?


Shaking my head to dislodge the weighty memories like so many cobwebs I stole out of the corner, careful to stay within reach of the stone wall as I headed towards the staircase I knew led to the Mirror Room.


I took out your comma and I wanted to point out that "weighty memories" and "so many cobwebs" contradict each other. You should take out one of the describers of her thoughts.


At last, I reached the spiral staircase that lead to my destination. The steps were hard, un-carpeted stone, the banister unpolished and aged, smooth as a pebble worried at by the sea. Not that I’ve ever held a pebble like that. The sea’s miles and miles away from the Palace, and the farthest I’ve ventured from the Library is to Market Street, which I can run to without tiring.


There was no light in the room, and I grabbed a candle, lighting it with a match held in my skirt’s pocket, then hurried to my favorite mirror, one that was tall and narrow, with gilded edges.


I'm a bit confused now. You made the story seem to be set in medieval times, but why does she have matches at her command?

She was too thin, bony, sickly looking, with too large eyes in her pale face. A long braid of hair hung down her back, its dark brown seeming black in the dim candle light.


You should rephrase the last sentence.

My over all impression was...I liked this story! I usually have a distaste for medieval-like themes, but I found this one quite interesting. You pulled it together rather nicely; I only noticed a few problems which I pointed out. I think you should continue with this. I want to know more about the MC and why the Royal-person-guard was looking for someone out of bed.

Keep up the good work!

---Periwinkle
Maybe you should kiss someone nice or lick a rock, or both - Regina Spektor




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Why hi there!

One, the Head Librarian, taught me that I have nothing to fear from the second world, while the first is an enemy to conquer. In the daylight, in the world lit by the harsh sun, secrets can be stowed away, and smiles can conceal daggers. Night, she says, for all its lack of light illuminates the secrets I should truly fear. “Never trust a person you’ve seen only by day,” she’s said a thousand times.


I would put 'that' in, just to help the sentence flow a little better, it jarred out a little to me there. The highlighted commas are ones I think you could probably do without. With the quote from Ona, I would either stick it on a new line because it's a new speaker, or italicise it. You could switch that sentence around, and have it, "She's said to me a thousand times, Never trust a person you've only seen by day." Or that could just be me.

Despite the fact that night is as safe as high noon


I think the comparison =D nice little phrase that appealed to me, it sounded to me that the MC was a little exasperated that people should be more afraid of the night.

Heavy, uneven footsteps made me retreat into a dark corner, unlit by any lamp or candle, and shrink down inside my clothing. Muttering reached me in my hiding place, sounding slightly drunk and angry; a man’s voice, about thirty or forty if my ears served me well.


Another few commas that I think you could remove without worry ^^ also I think it would be nice if you replaced that period with a semi-colon to join to two sentences together and make them a bit more lengthy.

leaned forward, stretching to get the stiffness out of my neck, restraining a yawn. A shining, gleaming pendant swung out of my tunic, suspended on a fine silver chain. My hand reached up to hold it and I clutched the moon pendant tightly, feeling the smoothness against my palm, the edges digging into my flesh as held onto it as if for dear life.



Little pickiness here, I think that you could replace the second use of the word pendant with something else, it come just a little bit too soon after the first time you use the word, and sounds a tad repetitive.

smooth as a pebble worried at by the sea.


I've never heard of anything being worried at by the sea, did you mean "as smooth as a pebble worn by the sea."?

There was no light in the room, and I grabbed a candle, lighting it with a match held in my skirt’s pocket, then hurried to my favorite mirror, one that was tall and narrow, with gilded edges.


The match thing threw me a little, I'd imagined this as being in a more medieval-type fantasy setting from the descriptions of her surrounds and the guard, and I don't think matches would have been around by then, given that I think they were invented sometime in the Victorian era. Also, I spell favourite with a u in there, though that could just be a British/American spelling difference.

A long braid of hair hung down her back, its dark brown seeming black in the dim candle light.


I think you need to rephrase this sentence, it reads kinda messily.

A tear slid down my face, leaving a shiny trail.


Shiny makes me think of spoons and glitter XD so I think you could use a different word there, although would the trail her tears left be visible at all if the lights are dim?

A creak, the whisper of door against floorboards, and a pair of eyes, darkly colorless in the gloom, met mine.


I would take out that comma, and perhaps 'darkly' too. Otherwise, a nice way to end with suspense; I really want to know what it was that was in the room with her.


Overall I really liked this, so I'll gives you a thumbs up and a jaunts salute *does so* You seem to do a similar thing to me, which is use too many commas. My friends and teachers pick it out all the time; I put commas whenever my mind takes a pause while I'm writing, even if one doesn't need to be there. If you go back and read through it I'm sure you'll be able to pick them out. (Heck, I had to go through and remove a few commas from this critique before I posted it XD)

Keep me posted if you ever put up anymore, I'm looking forwards to finding out more about the MC, Aliya?, and what was hiding in that cupboard.

Toodle pips! Feel free to PM me if there's anything else you'd like me to have a look at ^^

--Fish
please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)




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Okay, the main thing I had trouble with is tense inconsistencies. Be careful, you tend to slip into the present tense sometimes (don't worry, I do too, just be careful is all).

Apart from that, I really really like this story so far! The Prologue was great, and I loved this chapter. The beginning was truly great and completely unclichéed...

Could you maybe PM me with updates? 'Cause I nearly missed this one, and I really did enjoy it!
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you.
— Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time