Falling (Title in Progress)

She watched as the world fell down around her. Well, not the world, but the buildings surrounding her. It instilled a sense of joy in her. She knew that the sinners of the city would be dying. Everyone would die. It was this sick euphoria that she wanted to die with. She had known she would die and had known when she had started the project that she would be the one.

The screams of women and the shrieks of babies were heard for miles around and the sense of evil would never be able to be wiped clean of the area. She merely smiled, looking out of the window and down at the people. Soon the tremors would start. She only turned from the window and sat at the table where she had helped craft the spell that would massacre the city.

The quakes started only as a small quiver that could barely be detected to horrible tremors that made the ground feel as if it was about the break open. As her building fell, she finished her memoirs with one last line of, ‘And now I’m on the threshold on death. And I gladly accept it.’

-----

On the other side of the city another woman looked out of her window. She could feel the darkness, could almost see it. She knew her crown wouldn’t save her now and slid it off without a second thought. She threw it with all of her strength out of the window. She had never deserved such a precious item…royal blood didn’t even flow through her veins. She was an imposter.

“Love, what are you doing?” a voice came from behind her. She looked up at her husband.

“Saying goodbye to the kingdom, my dear. We will never see it again in this lifetime,” she replied, her voice cracking. She was about to give into her fear.

He looked into her eyes, searching them and hoping she could handle the truth. “Nay, we won’t ever see our kingdom again but someone of our line may.”

“I love you,” she said, moving to hold him tight. Those words were the last that she would speak.

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Not exactly sure what this will turn out to be...I'm throwing plot ideas around in my head, though. So might want to check back in two weeks or so to see if I updated. (I dislike putting multiple stories up with the same name so I'll be keeping mine here under this adorable little post. Oh! I'll put a little Table of Contents thing and everything. Woohoo easiness.. *Ramble.*) Or if you're one of my YWS friends I'll probably post a bulletin up saying I am or am not continuing the story.

And sorry for the shortness again. I'm planning for this to end up being the prologue if I continue, though. If there's a next chapter it will be longer.

Anyway, sorry for rambling and honest opinions are very much liked.

-MID

Hello MID! I've never seen you around before, so how are you? First off, I love your avatar. It's beautiful.

She watched as the world fell down around her. Well, not the world, but the buildings surrounding her. It instilled a sense of joy in her. She knew that the sinners of the city would be dying. Everyone would die. It was this sick euphoria that she wanted to die with [with what?]. She had known she would die and had known when she had started the project that she would be the one.

I underlined some sections. You'll notice your first three sentences end with her, and it shows. Also the first phrase "around her" and the second phrase "surrounding her" are too similar. I think you could cut the second one all together, and then that would also stop the repetition. Personally, I didn't like the "Well, not the world, but..." part. It seemed strangely informal? I'm strange, though.

The screams of women and the shrieks of babies

you're shooting for imagery, but it fails, because the words you use are too generic. Try a unique metaphor to really explain to your reader what the horrible sounds are.

were heard for miles around and the sense of evil would never be able to be wiped clean of the area.

I think you need a comma after "around" but even then the second half of this sentence seems long and it works but it could be better. That part I underlined is weird, also. You could just say "Could never be wiped clean"

looking out of the window

Good detail, but it doesn't help the reader much. Is she in a car, a house, where is she? I imagined her standing in a road because the buildings around her were falling, or whatever and... yes.

She [s]only[/s] turned from the window and sat at the table where she had helped craft the spell that would massacre the city.

Nice try, but this is an info dump. Find some other way. It works, but not well enough.

The quakes started only as a small quiver that could barely be detected to horrible tremors that made the ground feel as if it was about the break open.

this is a bit of a run on and complicated sentence. Try to find another way to say it, maybe: The quakes started as a small quiver, then changed into horrible tremors that made the ground..."

‘And now I’m on the threshold on death. And I gladly accept it.’

I personally think this would be more powerful if the last line was. "I gladly accept it." The 'and' feels natural in writing, but it locks up the power of the line.

I'll finish later, I'm trying to eat right now and my food is being ignored. >_>

She only turned from the window and sat at the table where she had helped craft the spell that would massacre the city.

The other guy talked about this being an info dump, and I think you should get rid of that too. You should keep the part where she turns around and sits in the table, but that's only because I think its more common to write your memoirs while sitting down.

“Nay, we won’t ever see our kingdom again but someone of our line may.”

Isn't everyone in the town dying? Unless they've got some kids visiting their uncle in some other place they'll be dead soon too.

“I love you,” she said, moving to hold him tight. Those words were the last that she would speak.

Awe... Sad and sweet.

Pretty good so far. I think this could be a decent story.

I think this could be a decent story.

If I had more time, I'd crit. this properly *sorry, I have food waiting too...sigh*

Sorry I'm doing this in two parts...

On the other side of the city another woman looked out of her window. She could feel the darkness, could almost see it. She knew her crown wouldn’t save her now and slid it off without a second thought. She threw it with all of her strength out of the window. She had never deserved such a precious item…royal blood didn’t even flow through her veins. She was an imposter.

This part, and all that follows, seems melodramatic. Specifically this paragraph. It's hard to write something like that at the beginning of the story. It's an emotion you need the reader to feel, otherwise they don't care. That means it has to be well written. It's melodramatic--I can't think of another way to put it. I don't feel the suspense behind it and I don't care about her either because I don't know who she is yet. Keep that in mind: this is a beginning, and you need to introduce us to your characters before you throw them at us.

It's interesting, and could be something good, but you should keep in mind the things a beginning needs to achieve: hook, introduce characters, introduce conflict. It doesn't need to do all of these things, or any of these things, but if you are going to write with them, your writing needs to be amazing. I can't even do that. I would suggest not using prologues; they're weird. There are some articles on prologues in the writing tips area, you may be able to find them, I would suggest reading them.

Think about what you want to tell your readers, and how you want to set it up. That's they only solid advice I can think of. It isn't bad, but it could be a lot better.

I think you're very good at this, keep writing!