What am I?

(Need Help!)

I lay awake,
I can't sleep.
My eyes get heavy,
When I'm ready to slip
I hear a sound,
but don't know if it's real.
I see a shadow and ask,
not knowing the answer,
"What are you?"

"He replied,"
Strong and tall
I stand high above.
I reach for the sky,
that which I desire.
When it rains I drink,
when it's cloudy I mourn.
What am I?
A tree outside your window sill.

(It's been so long, I suck again )

disire = desire
moarne = mourne

You don't suck :]

I just think it needs to be expanded. -huggles-

-evangelina

Yes, like Evanglina said, you just need to make it longer, and expand upon the ideas you already have. Experiment with different words and phrases, so you can come up with something more unique and vivid. ^_^


MM

Thanks, let me see if I can gather anything else from the tree outside my window, that's inspiration for ya

A tree is small enough to fit on a window sill...?

This isn't bad, but I don't think that I like this style, you know? I suppose they are riddles XD Because then when you said, "I'm a tree!" It's like "oh well, duh, you're a tree... but why do I care?" See my point--even though it is the set up of the poem, you're telling, and it's annoying either way.


But it wasn't so bad. ^_^

You have a point, but what I added my make it better ^_^

Hmmm it is better, but the flow is odd. And because you switch who the "I" is, it's kind of... odd, you know? You're switching the POV but still using first person, and it's kind of confusing...

And then you're still doing a lot of telling, you know? It's overly simple.

At least It made it better. I'll see what I can do.

If it's a riddle, don't tell us what it is. In fact, don't even say, "What am I?" We should be able to determine that this is a riddle with just the words. I guess, if you wanted to, you could even continue the poem by having the narrator muse about what this could be, but I don't know.

The story within the poem isn't really told well. You have the narrator, who is half-asleep, half-not, but it doesn't seem that way within the poem. It seems like the narrator is trying to fall asleep, but failing to do so. And, by making the narrator and the tree talk, it's just plain weird. It makes the narrator seem insane. You need to set the stage early on that the narrator is half-asleep through the use of description. What does he see when he is half-asleep? Make it more surrealistic!

And, from the description of the tree, we're supposed to get enough hints to determine this ourselves! As it is, you used cliched descriptions of trees, an it really doesn't work at all.

Instead of making this a riddle, with the weird dialogue, you might consider just describing the tree in surrealistic description that indicates to us that maybe the narrator is asleep... or maybe not.

Anyway, good luck.

The others have made good points. I'd change "lay" to "lie", as it sounds more natural. I'd change "My eyes get heavy", as it is a bit cliche. I'd scrap "Not knowing the answer" as this is obvious. Why would you ask a question if you already knew the answer? Also, "He replied" should not be in quotation marks. You should start them at "strong" and end them at "sill."
I like "When it rains, I drink,
When it's cloudy, I mourn."
I agree with Claudette.I'd rewrite the ending. Hope this helps.

you do not suck!!
It´s very nice
But it needs to be longer
I liked it very very much!!!!
you should go on writing poetry, its nice!!!
make it a little longer!!!
I liked it
go on!!!
bye

Is this a riddle?