Sadness

Disturbed

I've been sitting for hours all alone.
All of five minutes I think.
Surrounded by people silently talking.
The quietness is so deafening that it pierces my ears.
I try to stand up but the weight of the world pushes me back down.
Emotions are feverishly knocking on the door to my heart.
I want to scream,
But I smile instead.
I want to cry,
But I laugh instead.
The voices within are so loud
that I can't hear them anymore.
I have been standing at the door
of opportunity, waiting for it to open.
But it never does; Not for me.
I have seen many people come and go.
But not me.
I knock and no one comes.

Is there any solid idea within this poem? It seems like just a mix of random thoughts. I'm not sure where you were trying to go with it, but it leaves me utterly confused without so much as a hint to the meaning.

If you decide to re-write this poem, I recommend working with the thought conveyed, or what seems to be conveyed in lines 3-10. There is potential here. I hope that this helps in some way.

Micha

There's really no point in this poem. I really like the wording, and it's very eloquent and full of emotion, but what are you trying to achieve?

And the rhythm is awkward. In the beginning you've got your lengthy sentences, then you shorten it out too quickly. And you keep it that way. There's no balance. It's just like in novels or short stories, you need to balance everything out.

bmarie1983 wrote:Disturbed

I've been sitting for hours all alone.
All of five minutes I think.
Surrounded by people silently talking.
The quietness is so deafening that it pierces my ears.
I try to stand up but the weight of the world pushes me back down.
Emotions are feverishly knocking on the door to my heart.
I want to scream,
But I smile instead.
I want to cry,
But I laugh instead.
The voices within are so loud
that I can't hear them anymore.
I have been standing at the door
of opportunity, waiting for it to open.
But it never does; Not for me.
I have seen many people come and go.
But not me.
I knock and no one comes.

Umm....what is the point to the poem, if there is one? It doesn't really make a whole lot of sense..

-Rick