The House

I'm rusty and out of practice. I need this to be brutalized. Blatant cheer leading will be promptly ignored.

The hill was steep. Alden could have flown to the top without trouble, but Aloysius was too weak to be carried by air. They walked instead. Their progress was slow, but after twenty minutes, they arrived at their destination.

The house stood before them. It was three stories tall and had been around for almost eighty years. It must have been impressive once, but these days were long gone. The decades of neglect were visible from the road and it only became worse the closer they got. There were no windows and the paint that covered the wooden boards had long since peeled off. Many of the boards would need replacing.

"The Baker did say it was in need of work..." Alden trailed off, waiting for his master's reply. He merely grunted in agreement, before he walked towards the back of the house. Alden followed him.

The backyard was large. It was covered in weeds and overgrown grass. There were no trees, just two structures. One was a shed, the other a chicken coop. Judging by the rust and cobwebs, it had been some time since they had been used. Both were in a state of disrepair.

Aloysius said nothing during his inspection. He turned away from the ruins and looked to the West, towards the sea. It was a cloudy day and the sun was hidden. A breeze came up and he buttoned up his coat.

The Western edge of the property was a cliff that dropped down into the sea. It was a good four hundred feet down and the cliff itself was a good three hundred feet from the building.

One the Eastern side, there was the remains of a garden and a large wood pile near the house. A pair of cellar doors was nearby. It was smaller than the cliff side. Soon they were back in the front.

Alden watched his master carefully, but he hadn't yet learned to read his thoughts. He was anxious to know what his master though, but he had known Aloysius long enough to know that it took a lot of time and information before he made a decision.

"Let us go inside," Aloysius said finally. They moved onto the porch and opened the front door. It opened with a large shriek of protest. Aloysius stepped inside. The floorboard snapped and Aloysius began to fall. Alden caught him quickly and dragged him back out the front door, where they fell onto the ground. Aloysius got up. He laughed as he saw the hole in the floor. Alden laughed with Aloysius, but wasn't sure why.

"I took a step through the door and the house tried to kill me. The Baker exaggerated; this place is falling apart. It is far from town, impractical for two people, and so damaged that it will not be ready even after a year's worth of work," Aloysius said.

"What shall I tell the Baker?"

"Tell him we'll take it and that once the house is in good shape, we'll begin instructing his daughter. Before you do this, find me a hotel."

The hill was steep. Alden could have flown to the top without trouble, but Aloysius was too weak to be carried by air. [Too weak to be carried but strong enough to walk? Sorry but that doesn't really make sense to me.] They walked instead. Their progress was slow, but after twenty minutes, they arrived at their destination. [I think a brief section of description here would be nice. Briefly describe the journey, add a bit of depth to the characters by showing the reader how they help each other up the hill or how they speak to each other etc.]

The house stood before them. It was three stories tall and had been around for almost eighty years. It must have been impressive once, but [s]these[/s] those days were long gone. The decades of neglect were visible from the road and it only became worse the closer they got. There were no windows and the paint that covered the wooden boards had long since peeled off. Many of the boards would need replacing. [Maybe add some more description here. Where you mention the windows missing glass, you could state that some still held an odd pane or a few shards. And maybe the roof is missing a tile or two?]

"The Baker did say it was in need of work..." Alden trailed off, waiting for his master's reply. He merely grunted in agreement, before he walked towards the back of the house. Alden followed [s]him[/s].

The backyard was large. It was covered in weeds and overgrown grass. There were no trees, just two structures. One was a shed, the other a chicken coop. Judging by the rust and cobwebs, it had been some time since they had been used. Both were in a state of disrepair.

Aloysius said nothing during his inspection. He turned away from the ruins and looked to the West, towards the sea. It was a cloudy day and the sun was hidden. A breeze came up and he buttoned up his coat. [Maybe 'a breeze swept by' would sound smoother?]

The Western edge of the property was a cliff that dropped down into the sea. It was a good four hundred feet down and the cliff itself was a good three hundred feet from the building. [I'd suggest re-phrasing this. Perhaps something like 'A good three hundred feet from the building, the ground ended in an abrupt cliff with a four hundred foot drop to the frothy waves below.']

On[s]e[/s] the Eastern side, there [s]was[/s] were the remains of a garden and a large wood pile near the house. A pair of cellar doors was nearby. [To avoid the repetition of near, you could say 'A pair of cellar door hung open, straining against broken hinges.'] It was smaller than the cliff side. Soon they were back in the front. [I think 'back in the front' doesn't sound quite right. Maybe 'back at the front.']

Alden watched his master carefully, but he hadn't yet learned to read his thoughts. He was anxious to know what his master thought, but he had known Aloysius long enough to know that it took a lot of time and information before he made a decision.

"Let us go inside," Aloysius said finally. They moved onto the porch and opened the front door. It opened with a large shriek of protest. Aloysius stepped inside. The floorboard snapped and Aloysius began to fall. Alden caught him quickly and dragged him back out the front door, where they fell onto the ground. Aloysius got up. He laughed as he saw the hole in the floor. Alden laughed with Aloysius, but wasn't sure why.

"I took a step through the door and the house tried to kill me. The Baker exaggerated; this place is falling apart. It is far from town, impractical for two people, and so damaged that it will not be ready even after a year's worth of work," Aloysius said. [I like this dialogue, it gives good characterization.]

"What shall I tell the Baker?"

"Tell him we'll take it and that once the house is in good shape, we'll begin instructing his daughter. Before you do this, find me a hotel." [And even better.]

In general, you're right, your writing is a little rusty but this has a lot of potential. You've got the foundation right, you just need to work on adding a little more description and slowing the action down. Try to remember to describe more than what your character see - there are four other senses to think about. And you mention early on that Aloysius is too weak to be carried so try to relect that weakness later. Have him cough maybe or pause as they're crossing the land. If he's proud, have him try to disguise it as pausing to examine the grounds or something.

Your dialogue is excellent and the plot has been develloped well for such a short extract. I think you should extend the part where Aloysius falls through the floor and the beginning - the journey to the house - but other than that, it's a pleasant scene.

Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

Hey, Grif! It's great to see you're writing!

This looks like a storybook post, and not just because Alden is the main character. It doesn't have much of a beginning, as if it were picking up where someone else left off. Also, you have hardly any description of the characters. That would be fine in a storybook, where I could just go look at your profile bios, but as a work of fiction it needs some more depth.

Alden could have flown to the top without trouble, but Aloysius was too weak to be carried by air.

What is Alden? If he's the same Alden as in JiN etc., you need to establish that he's a gryphon and not just a random level 15 sorcerer.

It's always good to not give everything away at once, but species, like gender is pretty critical in the beginning. Your readers need to be able to visualize it.

What's wrong with Aloysius? I'm way more interested in that than I am in what the house looks like. You describe the house a lot, but say nothing about Aloysius's condition. If he's ill, or injured, knowing that would create some suspense and tension.

The floorboard snapped and Aloysius began to fall. Alden caught him quickly and dragged him back out the front door, where they fell onto the ground. Aloysius got up. He laughed as he saw the hole in the floor. Alden laughed with Aloysius, but wasn't sure why.

This may sound mean, but I think you kind of wasted this action. It's a cool image, but you write it in a such boring way that I can't make myself care. If you described it in more depth-- the noise of the breaking boards, the cloud of dust that arose, what Alden's first thought was when he saw his master start to disappear down a hole; stuff like that, it would be way more interesting. I'd be able to laugh with your characters.

"Tell him we'll take it and that once the house is in good shape, we'll begin instructing his daughter. Before you do this, find me a hotel."

This, too, could be very funny if you rephrased it a little. I'd try and put more emphasis on "we'll take it!" Also, you could exaggerate Aloysius's request to not have to stay in the house. It took me a second to get what he wanted. Once I did, though, it made me laugh.

The ending seems a little weak to me, but if you take my suggestion above, that might change. I think if you maybe brought it back to Alden somehow; perhaps you could say what he's thinking or doing? That way it starts and ends on the same note.

I hope I wasn't too harsh! >_< Thanks for posting this, it was a pleasure to read. I'll be on the lookout for more.

Thank you both. I'll be revising this to reflect your comments.

Boring. 60 seconds I'll never get back.

You can at least pride yourself on the fact that it is written well enough to read :)

Reyu wrote:Boring. 60 seconds I'll never get back.

You can at least pride yourself on the fact that it is written well enough to read

So you thought it was boring; but why? What really turned you off to this story in sixty seconds? All you've told me is that the work isn't good and I all ready knew that! I didn't post it here to show off, I posted it because I knew it was terrible, but not why.

[quote="Griffinkeeper"][quote="Reyu"]Boring. 60 seconds I'll never get back.

You can at least pride yourself on the fact that it is written well enough to read :)[/quote]

So you thought it was boring; but why? What really turned you off to this story in sixty seconds? All you've told me is that the work isn't good and I all ready knew that! I didn't post it here to show off, I posted it because I knew it was terrible, but not why.[/quote]

I read it all in sixty seconds. It was boring because nothing got accomplished. One should be on, you missed a ". But no, I don't fault you for grammar. I also think exactly the opposite of what you think. It's written well, it's just boring. Over explanation of the cliff also... Too much description.

Your blog preceding this was more entertaining.

Brutalized, eh? ^_~

The hill was steep. Alden could have flown to the top without trouble, but Aloysius was too weak to be carried by air. They walked instead. Their progress was slow, but after twenty minutes, they arrived at their destination.

It's the "but after twenty minutes" part is what gets me. It's summary to move from one topic to another, but if the movement isn't important, why not skip to the next thing?

The house stood before them. It was three stories tall and had been around for almost eighty years. It must have been impressive once, but these days were long gone. The decades of neglect were visible from the road and it only became worse the closer they got. There were no windows and the paint that covered the wooden boards had long since peeled off. Many of the boards would need replacing.

I think this could be integrated together better. Currently, it seems like a long list of facts about the house, something I'm inclined to skip over. Condense this in favor of concentrating later on why the house is important and why they're there.

There's a lot of description of the setting, but not much of the characters occupying it. I don't know who Aloysius or Alden are, or why they're there or what they're doing, and without that basis, Aloysius's glance towards the west doesn't mean anything of consequence to me.

One the Eastern side, there was the remains of a garden and a large wood pile near the house. A pair of cellar doors was nearby. It was smaller than the cliff side. Soon they were back in the front.

This is the same as the beginning, a list of facts and actions. But how do the two interact?

Alden watched his master carefully, but he hadn't yet learned to read his thoughts. He was anxious to know what his master though, but he had known Aloysius long enough to know that it took a lot of time and information before he made a decision.

^ this is telling. How, in what way, was Alden watching Aloysius? Skip the "he had know Aloysius long enough..." and cut right to the fact that he takes a while to decide things.

"Let us go inside," Aloysius said finally. They moved onto the porch and opened the front door. It opened with a large shriek of protest. Aloysius stepped inside. The floorboard snapped and Aloysius began to fall. Alden caught him quickly and dragged him back out the front door, where they fell onto the ground. Aloysius got up. He laughed as he saw the hole in the floor. Alden laughed with Aloysius, but wasn't sure why.

Try to integrate the actions more; Instead of "Aloysius stepped inside. The floorboard snapped and Aloysius began to fall" try something like "Aloysius began to fall as the floorboards inside snapped but Alden caught him quickly...". I think things like this stem from the abundance of [subject][verb] sentences, things like "Aloysius stepped inside" "Aloysius got up", etc. Condense everything ^_^

"Tell him we'll take it and that once the house is in good shape, we'll begin instructing his daughter. Before you do this, find me a hotel."

A comma between "we'll take it" and "and that once" would be helpful for clarification's sake. Phrases like "Before you do this" sound unnatural because few people would take the time to say this when they could get right to the point. Something like "... instructing his daughter. But first, find me a hotel" might be better.

Overall, I don't feel like there was enough detail about Aloysius and Alden. I saw them as two figures running around their own world, like layers of a photo, but not so much interacting with it. Like they were too disconnected.

Congratulations on writing again! ^_^