What you've overlooked

you stare at me with bitter eyes, resenting me for privilege
You've never tasted my tears, say i never shed them
You say I know nothing of pain
You say I know nothing of desire
You say I know nothing of heartache
You don't understand at all
Try tearing your own skin because this pain is better than the other one
Try coming home each day, afraid of what you'll find
Try seeing that lump in the bed, the lump that used to be your mom
Try knowing one false step will shatter your fragile world
Try making that step.
You say I know nothing of pain, but I do
You say I know nothing of desire, but I do
You say I know nothing of heartache, but I do
You don't understand at all, but I do.

My tears fall, but before they hit the floor I've swept them up
My heart breaks, but I throw away the pieces
No need for a heart anymore.
Not when my life's so ruined
She knows what's wrong, but doesn't care
Doesn't care about anything anymore- not me, not herself
Don't tell me that my life's perfect
Don't tell me I'm so lucky
Don't tell me that I've got no problems
Don't tell anyone what's wrong

Hi! Welcome to YWS!

Onto the poetry.

Pickle810 wrote:you stare at me with bitter eyes, resenting me for privilege
You've never tasted my tears, say i never shed themThis I needs to be capitol
You say I know nothing of pain I would change these three lines to "You say I know nothing of pain, desire, heartache" other wise the repitition is a little destracting.
You say I know nothing of desire
You say I know nothing of heartache
You don't understand at allPlease cut this line out!!! It only sounds winey and annoying. We have all heard it before.
Try tearing your own skin because this pain is better than the other one
Try coming home each day, afraid of what you'll find
Try seeing that lump in the bed, the lump that used to be your mom
Try knowing one false step will shatter your fragile world
Try making that step. This repitition works, though at first I was confused on the message it came together after reading it a few times.
You say I know nothing of pain, but I do
You say I know nothing of desire, but I do
You say I know nothing of heartache, but I do Again I would take out the "You say I know nothing" at the beginning of each phrase... it becomes very wordy if you don't
You don't understand at all, but I do. Yet again PLEASE TAKE THIS OUT!

My tears fall, but before they hit the floor I've swept them up
My heart breaks, but I throw away the pieces
No need for a heart anymore.
Not when my life's so ruined
She knows what's wrong, but doesn't care
Doesn't care about anything anymore- not me, not herself
Don't tell me that my life's perfect
Don't tell me I'm so lucky
Don't tell me that I've got no problems
Don't tell anyone what's wrongThe "don't tell me" is another one that becomes rather wordy... it's not necessary.

For your first poetry post this really wasn't that bad. With a little editing it could really work. I do need to warn you that the topic is very cliche, and has been done countless times. Try adding a new spin onto it, show us exactly what's going on, don't tell us. In some places you have done that, talking about your mother and such, however in other places I feel like you get a little off track.

Now I am not trying to be mean, but people on here are going to be honest with you, no matter if you want to hear it or not. I hope this helps. If you need anything send me a message!

Yay! Pickles! Welcome to YWS!

In this poem, you put five million poems in one poem! Unfortunately, that makes it seem like it's only a little excerpt instead of a complete and lovely poem. You have several ideas in the very beginning:

you stare at me with bitter eyes, resenting me for privilege
You've never tasted my tears, say i never shed them
You say I know nothing of pain
You say I know nothing of desire
You say I know nothing of heartache
You don't understand at all

All of those can be made into another poem. So pick one and, instead of listing it, go deep on it. Then it'll be much prettier.

Hope that helps!

Hello. Ok let me get to the nitty gritty ok. This is good but a little much cliche. But I hate the reptition of the lines though. That is my opinion. If tyou think it is good that is all that matters. It don't matter what we say down here it matters if you like it or you don't.
If you don't like your writing change it. Trust me in have a lot of negative comments in my day. nice meeting you. K.

TTYL SimonCowellLuver

I agree with Snoink--it seems to be too much stuffed into one poem.

But the poem as a whole has big problems because it's all show and no tell. It's one of those "rants with line breaks" than anything else. The thing about readers is that they don't like reading those. Readers absolutely hate listening to other people scream about how their lives suck. Now, there's nothing wrong with having your speaker say that his/her life sucks, but you've got to, for our sakes, do it well. So please take out the juvenile "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME" and "MY LIFE SUCKS" etc, etc, and try for some subtlety. Tell a story. Use images to get your point across rather than saying it point-blank. Until you can express yourself without sounding like a whiny teenager, I suggest this sort of thing stay in a diary, perhaps, where it will be more useful and probably better-received. So how do you get better? Read lots and lots and lots of poetry. It will help you more than any single critique can.

-Colleen

Thanks people! Reading your comments, I realize I probably should've read it over a few more times, editing and such, instead of writing it at three in the morning and then just posting it. Thanks for your time, though!

Everyone else left some great critiques, so I recommend that you do as they say.

I agree that there is a little too much stuffed into this poem. Either write several or expand, though the first might be a better option.

The theme was pretty cliche, though I did like your handling of the entire last stanza. It was some pretty cool imagery and language. Nice work there.

With some editing, this poem could become something pretty neat, even if the theme isn't the most original. Great work and keep it up!

~GryphonFledgling