U.N.I.T 12

U.N.I.T 21

Chapter One

The silver Mercedes pelted full speed through the night, dodging the busy traffic of London. Its silver body shined in the Moonlights gaze, and it wheels left a horrible stench of burning rubber behind as it skidded around sharp bend. Nearly sending an elderly women flying, she cursed out loud had and gave the driver the finger. But why was this man droving so dangerously when he knew perfectly well that there’s a lot of traffic around?
Well its obvious isn’t it, he’s Billy Jones. A yob in his late teens, been in trouble with the law a fair few times. Got kicked out of school at the age fifteen, he and his brother were orphans living off of the money that there parents had left in their will, which wasn’t an awful lot. Billy’s head jerked forward, as he did another reckless turn around a bend. His hair was chalk black and his face bruised and battered by the amount of times he had, had trouble with the law. It was as if the police enjoyed beating the crap out of him with there batons. But then again ninety nine percent of the time he had probably deserved it. He had, had a history ranging from: Petty mugging, assault, drug addict and even a short time dealer. But like most things this had a knock on affect but funnily enough it was not him that was affected but his thirteen year old brother instead. The social services were very concerned for Daniels (Billy’s brother) safety, and had often tried to get in contact but Billy. Well you know how it is being the protective brother and all, so they had a hard time reaching him. But they couldn’t get the law involved because what proof did they have.
***
Billy swore as the loud screeching sound of sirens erupted from behind.

“Ah crap cant they give me one minute too myself, I mean I was only borrowing this car, I was genna give it back. I hate those dam pigs!” mumbled Billy to himself. He slammed on the brakes as he heard a loud thump.

“Please, not again.” Sighed Billy as he stepped out of the posh (stolen) Mercedes. Just as he had predicted, another badger in fact that was the third one he had killed this week. He could see the flashing blue and white lights now, no time to rev up the engine again so he snuck into a nearby alley. He waited for ten minutes in the darkness before the police gave up there search and headed of in the opposite direction. He began to exit out of the alley when he noticed a short figure at the end of the alley. He stared puzzled, as the figure advanced towards him. The figure was visible now, definitely a girl. In her early teen perhaps, she had long black hair. But the rest of her was hidden by a thick black cloak. Then she spoke.

“You Billy Jones.” She asked.

“What’s it too you bitch” Billy replied rudely. The girl however smiled at this remark and carried on speaking to him.

“I here you have been having trouble with the law and have been causing distress to a lot of the townsfolk.”

“I don’t have time for this” Billy said as he began to walk off into the darkness.

“Oh please wait, before you go have this” she said, and as Billy turned she clenched her fingers and did an upwards thrust with her palm up Billy’s nose. The force of the violent skill forced the nose bone up into his brain, killing him instantly. His body collapsed in a heap.
“Lot’s of love from U.N.I.T 21” giggled the girl as she ran of into the darkness.

There were quite a few grammatical errors. "off" is spelled as such, you spelled it "of." You should go read through it, because you missed some "S's" that are needed to show plurals. It also was really straightforward, like the parenthesized words telling you the Mercedes was stolen and etc. A lot of the beauty in writing comes from showing a certain amount of subtlety... Another thing you may want to look at is the ending. It was surprising and very good. I liked it. But the character, Billy, died, and I didn't care. If you want a stunning death you have to get me attached to the character... You also should take the explanation points off of the mumbling passage, because mumbles aren't usually exclaimed... And some of the dialog was a little cheesy. It is a good premise and with some revision and more importantly, elongation, you could have a pretty good short story.

I'm not a grammar nazi, and I had trouble with this...

This merits a line-by-line critique, congratulations!
+ Separate your paragraphs.
+ Put apostrophes where they belong.
+ Their = possession. There = place. You should know this.
+ Baffling change in narrator style.
+ Plot inconstancies.
+ Incomprehensible sentences.

The silver Mercedes pelted full speed through the night, dodging the busy traffic of London. Its silver body shined in the moonlight's gaze, and its wheels left a horrible stench of burning rubber behind as it skidded around sharp bend. It nearly sent an elderly women flying - she cursed out loud had and gave the driver the finger. [s]But why was this man droving so dangerously when he knew perfectly well that there’s a lot of traffic around?[/s]

[s]Well its obvious isn’t it, he’s[/s] Billy Jones was on the move. A boy in his late teens, [color=he had[/color] been in trouble with the law a fair few times. Recently, he had gotten kicked out of school [s]at the age fifteen[/s], and he and his brother were orphans living off of the money that their parents had left in their will, which wasn’t an awful lot. Billy Jones was a messed up kid.

Billy’s head jerked forward, as he did another reckless turn around a bend. His hair was chalk black and his face bruised and battered by the amount of times he had, had trouble with the law. [s]It was as if[/s] He thought that the police enjoyed beating the crap out of him with their batons. But everyone else thought that ninety nine percent of the time he had probably deserved it. He [s]had,[/s] had a history ranging from: Petty mugging, assault, drug addict and even a short time dealer. [s]But like most things this had a knock on affect but funnily enough it was not him that was affected but his thirteen year old brother instead.[/s] The social services were very concerned for Billy's brother Daniel's [s](Billy’s brother)[/s] safety, [s]and had often tried to get in contact but Billy.[/s] Everyone knew how it was being the protective brother and all, so they had a hard time reaching him. But they couldn’t get the law involved because they had no proof.
***
Billy swore as the loud screeching sound of sirens erupted from behind.

“Ah crap cant they give me one minute too myself, I mean I was only borrowing this car, I was genna give it back. I hate those dam pigs!” mumbled Billy to himself. He slammed on the brakes as he heard a loud thump.

“Please, not again.” sighed Billy as he stepped out of the posh - stolen - Mercedes. [s]Just as he had predicted, another badger in fact that was the third one he had killed this week.[/s] A dead badger lay sprawled upon the pavement. He could see the flashing blue and white lights now, no time to rev up the engine again so he snuck into a nearby alley. He waited for several minutes in the darkness before the police gave up there search and headed of in the opposite direction. He began to exit out of the alley when he noticed a short figure at the end of the alley. He stared puzzled, as the figure advanced towards him. The figure was visible now, definitely a girl. In her early teen perhaps, she had long black hair. But the rest of her was hidden by a thick black cloak. Then she spoke.

“You Billy Jones.” She asked.

“What’s it too you bitch” Billy replied rudely. The girl however smiled at this remark and carried on speaking to him.

“I here you have been having trouble with the law and have been causing distress to a lot of the townsfolk.”

“I don’t have time for this” Billy said as he began to walk off into the darkness.

“Oh please wait, before you go have this” she said, and as Billy turned she clenched her fingers and did an upwards thrust with her palm up Billy’s nose. The force of the [s]violent skill[/s] blow forced the nose bone up into his brain, killing him instantly. His body collapsed in a heap.
“Lot’s of love from U.N.I.T 21” giggled the girl as she ran of into the darkness.

Please please please proofread next time. As for the story, well, it's not to well crafted. the ending is so abrupt, and I've read it before many times. And the crime is senseless, you're going to have to do some explaining in your next "chapter".