Lyllan: #5

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The strong, but familiar odours filled Lyllan’s nostrils, making her smile. Walking between the stalls and reaching out to each powerful steed, their individual greetings called to her and begged her for attention.

Memories of the day’s events whirled around her mind, forcing their way forward, jostling for attention. The castle; Bryndon’s refusal to explore; the garden… But her mind could only focus on her feelings; the invisible force that had seemed to draw her to the structure, and the almost irresistible urge to go back.

She kept walking, patting and fondling until she came to the end stall, the current home for the visiting king’s horse. The ebony stallion pranced towards the entrance, placing his head over the door and butting Lyllan’s chest.

“You gorgeous creature,” she said, stroking his smooth face.
“He’s well cared for.”

Startled, Lyllan turned to find a handsome, blonde and dark-eyed stranger gazing at her from the front of a chestnut mare’s stall. The horse was relaxed and comfortable around the young man.

“At least, that’s what I’ve heard,” his voice was young, uneasy around this pretty girl, but the corners of his eyes creased as he moved towards her.
His warm smile was infectious, and Lyllan’s mouth soon turned upward in response, “His Majesty has fine horse-masters for the job, sir.”
“Sir?” a short laugh burst out, “Don’t call me sir. I’m Jeimen.”
The statement confused Lyllan, “Why are you travelling with the king’s group, if you’re not addressed as sir, Master Jeimen”
His eyes twinkled as he said smoothly, “I’m here with my cousin, he’s the one that has business with the group, but I saw no reason why I couldn’t tag along.”
“Tag along?”
“He’s reasonable,” he shrugged.
She smiled, “I’ve no doubt his majesty is, but why he would take on a simple traveller whose business has no relation to his own, confuses me,” his eyebrows raised as she continued, “Also, I notice that you are friendly with that mare there, which I know belongs to one of the guards.”
The horse tossed her head as Lyllan gestured towards her, and Jeimen’s smile faltered, before regaining its warmth, “you’re observant, to notice such small details.”
“I know my horses intimately, sir, having helped my father in these stables my whole life,” she smiled sweetly, if he had secrets, she didn’t mind; she would just be wary, “We sold that one a couple of years ago.”
Jeimen chuckled, “Didn’t I say that you don’t need to call me sir?” He gazed around, “These horses are beautiful creatures; your father obviously takes pride in his work,”
Lyllan smiled, “Yes. It’s always been a family business; the pride has been passed through the line,” turning back to the horses she giggled, “Unfortunately it tends to come out in the horses.”
He laughed as the mare whinnied in recognition of the attention, “she’s always been a spirited one; I didn’t know I could actually blame someone for it.”

She joined into his laughter; it was easy. His manner was kind and friendly, and she was soon caught up in his playful mood. As their conversation continued she found herself talking freely to him about herself, and in turn he became more open to her.


Soon, the dimming light of evening brought their minds back to the present and Jaimes realised how long they’d been talking. Taking a lantern from the wall beside the door, the girl went around lighting the lamps; and he gazed at her figure as it moved in the flickering firelight.

She was an enigma, a girl with a strange strength of character that made him feel relaxed and comfortable. She seemed completely oblivious of her beauty, and didn’t flaunt it, but every move she made seemed to accentuate it. He had little experience with girls his own age, and the only ideas he had were formed from the rough views of the guards he shared a barracks with; but she seemed nothing like those.

When she returned, his eyes had gained an intense look as they gazed down at her. His stare seemed to disconcert her, and she turned away.

He reached out, and hesitantly placed his fingers under her chin, making her lift it, “look at me,” he smiled into her deep eyes and she radiantly returned it, rendering him speechless.


Lyllan was pulled into those eyes, they held her, and she couldn’t speak. All thoughts of the day had left her and her entire mind was focused on the man before her. Jeimen gazed back at her, and their silence was absolute, not even the horses disturbed their quiet.

As the silence stretched further she became aware of the fact that he was touching her, and pulled away.

But he reached again for her face and, raising it towards him, kissed her on the lips.
It is an established fact that, despite everything society can do, girls of seven are magnetically attracted to the colour pink.
- Terry Pratchett, "Monstrous Regiment"




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I've been working on this part for ages, but I can't seem to get it right! I want to keep this plot, and all the ideas that asre presented, and the start and middle I'm quite happy with. But I'm finding the ending really difficult, structurally as well as the wording. I want the reader to realise that Jeimen is really Jaimes from the start and (if you read the rest of the story) I think I've done that.

Any help is welcome, I'm having a writer's block!!!!
It is an established fact that, despite everything society can do, girls of seven are magnetically attracted to the colour pink.
- Terry Pratchett, "Monstrous Regiment"




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There were a few flaws with the story that weren't very clearly explained. She didn't see the handsome stranger when she entered, nor did she hear him enter.

Also, the whole part about them talking for hours seems unrealistic in the stalls is unrealistic as well. She would have many chores to do and he would have errands of his own to take care of.

Finally, there seems to be very little for them to fall in love over. We don't know what they talked about or how long they were together, other things that would make it plausible.

That said, I think it would be plausible enough if you were to include something like this:

They talked for a while longer about horses, but they soon moved on to other subjects. They found that they had a lot in common, in addition to horses, they agreed that (blank) was terrible, YWS was awesome, and that Grif was under-rated as a reviewer. He helped her with her chores and as evening came, they returned to the stables once again.


Your writing is rather good on the whole, it was just that there were plot holes that weren't explained, which threw the plot off.
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