The beach

Puget Sound

As I wake up, I notice that the first weak rays of morning sunlight are penetrating the thick material of my curtains, getting stronger by the moment. I stare out my window, amazed, as usual, at the stunning beauty of the shimmering Puget Sound. It heaves gently, then crashes softly on the sandy beach, pounding the earth. Specks of light dance on the surface of the glittering water.

I jump out of bed and step into my swimming suit. I begin to run. Will I make it? I concentrate of the thudding of my feet on the wooden floors. I push open the front door and hear it slam behind me as I pull a soft, cotton dress over my head. I begin to feel the warmth of the September sun on my back. I run faster. I clamber quickly down the steep trail. I have taken this path many times before, so I skip down the trail with agility and ease. My feet touch the cool sand. I feel the wet clay seep onto the top of my feet. I laugh out loud. I plop myself down onto the lukewarm sand and I gaze out over the water toward the horizon. I have made it. The sunrise has waited for me. I stare in wonderment at the gorgeous sun. The sky is a streaky pink.

I admire the sunrise for a few moments more, but then, I sit and watch but do not see. I am in deep thought. This is my last day before the beginning of a new school year. I will not be wiggling my toes in the powdery sand as often, because I will be busy. I am instantly forlorn. I wonder if I will change this year. I wonder if the lapping waves will recognize my thoughts. A lot can change in a year. I wish I could just sit on the packed earth of the beach for ever. If I had the choice, I would never leave. I think of the stiff shoes I will wear, and how they will give my feet blisters. After all, I have worn only sandals all summer. I dread what the next morning will bring. I try to forget my thoughts. The warm sun is calming on my back. The whispering waves seem to say, “sleep, sleep . . . sleep, sleep.” I lay back fall into a troubled slumber.

I step off the big, yellow bus and sprint to the house. The grass crunches under my feet and the October wind whistles in the trees. I run inside my house, shed my backpack and shoes. I begin to run. I sprint down the beach trail. I reach the beach and plop myself down on the icy sand. It is cold, but I have brought a jacket. I let only my feet feel the chilling, but refreshing breeze. The waves are still there. The sun still shines, giving off less heat but still spreading happiness and cheer. The beach has waited for me. I wiggle my toes in the hardening sand. I laugh.
I awaken from my dream. I look at my bare feet. I smile.

Please review!!!

Wow. I think this is the first time I've read a story written in present tense with a first person POV. Cool.

You have a nice writing style, and you stayed in the right tense so I have no problems with you POV. However, your story lacks a plot. Since it's short and sentimental, that's okay (I think, anyways =P).

I didn't notice too much grammar, but might I suggest you put the dream in italics? When I first read it, I thought you had skipped through time to bring us to later in the year. I'd also maybe recommend that you add some details, though I'm not sure where (you have a lot already)--I just have this instinctive desire to tell you to add more detail. =P

Other than that, I think it's cute. ^_^ Nice work.

^_^ Keek!

(oh, and posting a reply just saying 'please review' is bad form, methinks. I'd highly recommend you not do it. )

GRACE!!!!!!!! hiya.. Anyway, this is nice! Am i wrong in thinking I recognize some of the scenes in your story?

So...... You are using some nice descriptive language, and I didn't find to many errors. ^__^

Here are a few comments:

I begin to run.

I run faster.

My feet touch the cool sand.

I fall into a troubled slumber.

I am in deep thought

The sky is a streaky pink.

Notice how all of these sentences are very short?
(And most of them begin with 'I' or 'My') This makes the whole thing sound a bit choppy. There are also quite a few places where there are three or four sentences that could be made into one. For example;

I run inside my house, shed my backpack and shoes. I begin to run. I sprint down the beach trail. I reach the beach and plop myself down on the icy sand. It is cold, but I have brought a jacket. I let only my feet feel the chilling, but refreshing breeze. The waves are still there. The sun still shines, giving off less heat but still spreading happiness and cheer. The beach has waited for me. I wiggle my toes in the hardening sand. I laugh.

Could be revised to:

"I run inside my house, shedding my backpack and shoes. I begin to run, sprinting down the beach trail. Reaching the beach, I plop myself down in the icy sand. It is cold, but I have brought a jacket. Only my feet feel the chilling but refreshing breeze."

You know, stuff like that. The one other thing I noticed:

After all, I have worn only sandals all summer. I dread what the next morning will bring. I try to forget my thoughts. The warm sun is calming on my back. The whispering waves seem to say, “sleep, sleep . . . sleep, sleep.” I fall into a troubled slumber.

I step off the big, yellow bus and sprint to the house. The grass crunches under my feet and the October wind whistles in the trees. I run inside my house, shed my backpack and shoes. I begin to run. I sprint down the beach trail. I reach the beach and plop myself down on the icy sand. It is cold, but I have brought a jacket. I let only my feet feel the chilling, but refreshing breeze. The waves are still there. The sun still shines, giving off less heat but still spreading happiness and cheer. The beach has waited for me. I wiggle my toes in the hardening sand. I laugh.

I awaken from my dream. I look at my bare feet. I smile.

This part seems a bit rushed. Also, I suggest putting the dream in italics so we can see what's going on. The last sentence also bothered me. There are three short sentences that (again) all start with "I". You also never mentioned her lying down, so it sounds like she is just falling asleep sitting on the sand.


Lastly, I'd like some more setting description. What can she smell? What can she hear?


Overall, a very promising beginning! PM me if you have something else for me to review.

Keep up the good work!

~Lupis

Hey, wow, and hi.
When I first opened this thread I predicted a cliched interpretation of a well used setting for a novel or short story. This was not so when I began to read. The words flow very nicely indeed, especially the first bit:

As I wake up, I notice that the first weak rays of morning sunlight are penetrating the thick material of my curtains, getting stronger by the moment. I stare out my window, amazed, as usual, at the stunning beauty of the shimmering Puget Sound. It heaves gently, then crashes softly on the sandy beach, pounding the earth. Specks of light dance on the surface of the glittering water.

It's really quite delicious language, easy paced, not too jumpy.

However the end bit seemed a bit forced. Maybe you're like me, and only really take my time writing the pieces I enjoy. You've got to learn to spread your attention evenly to make your piece truly fantastic. This will put you in good stead for the rest of your writing career.

Anyho, this was a pleasure to read.

Best wishes, and please PM me when you write more,
Eimear x

[quote]