When Humanity Is No Longer Humane.

When humanity is no longer humane;
Man's essential illness
Making the minds of the world a big mess.

Nobody seems to understand
That we are consuming all the land.
Broken the laws of nature
We are the species of great stature.
The one and only
Killing off all of the others
Until we become lonely.

Where did they all go?
We don't even realize.
We don't open our eyes
To our natural ways disappearing.
Mother culture's story is what we are hearing.
Enacting her every word,
Plucking the feathers of natures birds.

They are gone with the wind,
Unnoticed by our society
We are beginning to see our end
Through the headlights of our carbon cars.
The ice caps are melting.
We might have to take over mars.
Our end on this planet
Is nearing and I can't stand it.

Why can't everybody see
That nature is where we came from,
And nature is where we should be.
But it is too late now.
We might as well bow.
It is the end of our act
We need a new story.
This is a fact.

But can we change what we've already done?
That is the question
Of our succession.
The question of our understanding
Are we catching flight or ignorantly heading for a crash landing?
Too caught up in ourselves to notice we are trapped behind bars
The key is in the knowledge
In the understanding
That our story is disbanding.





If you have read the book Ishmael By Daniel Quinn, you will understand most of the ideas here.

When humanitiy is no longer humane

"humanitiy" = "humanity"

Man's essential illness
Making the minds of the world a big mess.

These two lines don't appear to relate to the first at all. When humanity is no longer humane, what happens next? Elaborate.

We are the speicies of great stature

"speicies" = "species"

Where did they all go?

Where did who all go?

To our natural ways dissapearing

"dissapearing" = "disappearing"
You have quite a few typos like this. It would be a good idea to run a spell-check. Even when you are posting something, YWS has a spell-check. Pay attention to it.

Inacting her every word,

"inacting" = "enacting"

They are gone with the wind,

Who are gone with the wind?

Is nearing and i can't stand it.

Capitalize the "I."

and nature is where we should be
but it is too late now
we might as well bow
it is the end of our act
we need a new story
this is a fact

The beginnings of all of these lines need to be capitalized to fit with the rest of the poem.

but can we change what we've already done?

Same thing here. Also, you haven't used puncutuation up until now. Either put punctuation in the rest of the poem, or delete this question mark.

of our succession

Capitalize the first letter.

are we catching flight or ignorantly heading for a crash landing
...
that our story is disbanding.

Please pay attention to this and capitalize.

Overall, I liked the idea of this poem. I liked the rhythm. But the sloppy neglect of certain aspects turned me off. You need to pay a little more attention when you are writing.

Welcome to YWS. You have potential. Develop it.

~GryphonFledgling

This is much too preachy to be considered anything but a rant. Perhaps you can try a little symbolism or metaphor to make it seem like you're not slamming your message into the reader's face? Right now, it's a little unbearable.

I wholeheartedly agree with Snoink. I have read Ishmael, and I enjoyed it. But what makes Ishmael good?

What you've done here is just list your complaints with the world, what you see as problems in society. If Daniel Quinn had done that, would his book have been the same? No. It would have just been a list of his opinions. But by telling the story from the perspective of Ishmael's student, and Ishmael being a gorilla and all, he gives the story more depth and more meaning--not to mention more reader appeal.

-Colleen

Well I think this was not too bad..

You put accross an idea and I do understand where it is coming from.

However this is life and this is everything we have been taught!!

Good writing though.



Dofs....

This Poem has an impressive rhyme scheme and was well formatted. The only thing that I would like to add is that it was very blunt which is good in some ways because you get the point across. I read it more as a song. I liken it to John Lennon's Imagine, which I'm sure you're familiar with. The only problem with the "to the point" direction is that it leaves the mystery, metaphors, and deep thinking that in my opinion is very essential to poetry. Also, I think you may want to read it through, I think there are some words that could be changed and make the poem more powerful. Just a little tweaking is what it needs. That said, I would like to add that I love that you are expressing these as some would say "radical" thoughts. Whether or not I agree is to remain private. But I am always interested in reading or hearing ones views, so keep the opinionated poems coming.