Lyllan #4

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This will be the start of chapter 2, so I need to know if it's suitable for that. There're a few spots that I'm a bit worried about, so all help is welcome. :D :smt026

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Jaimes whistled cheerfully as he placed the clothes on his bed roll, laying them out for viewing before deciding that they were suitable. Baring his chest he began to change into the simple tunic and breeches, taking care to fold his uniform. The tent flapped in the wind around him and obscured the sound of footsteps outside, causing him to jump when his cousin entered unannounced.
Bowing respectfully he said, “You’re Majesty.”
The king waved his hand dismissively and sat down on the bed, “You remember what I talked to you about earlier, don’t you?” Jaimes nodded, “I need information, the situation is far more serious than I said earlier.”
“How so?”
Zamias turned away, “you remember the reports, don’t you?”
“Of course.”
“Yes, well, those weren’t the entire truth,” he turned suddenly, “Jaimes, none of this conversation leaves here, is that clear?”
Disconcerted, Jaimes nodded.
Standing up, the king paced the tent as he continued, “As your history lessons would have taught you, the natives had, rather unorderly as it was, a female royal line. What they were thinking, letting women rule,” Jaimes raised his eyebrows, and Zamias shook himself, “As you also know, the first of our great kings, my ancestor, wisely decided that it would be best for their well-being if we ruled. The reigning Queen was killed and we’ve been the monarchy ever since. Once she was dead her family line was destroyed.”
Jaimes sat quietly, waiting for his cousin to come to his point.
“Of course the natives kicked up a fuss, but we made sure they were gone, ignored; it was just a small part of our land’s history that was helped kept quiet by our men.
“However, this village was one of the few that avoided our work. The positioning of this village in relation to the natives’ palace has always confused the spies, no maps give the exact location, but so many accounts say that it was only a few miles away, while some insist it's the other side of the country. The villagers themselves give no clues, but they were unnervingly complacent to accept the death of their monarchy.”
Jaimes frowned, “That makes no sense. Why..?”
“Don’t think that the kings weren’t thinking the same thing, but they let it be.”
Jaimes shook himself, “So what now? Has this anything to do with what I’m doing?”
“Jaimes, would I tell you if it didn’t?” He paused before continuing, “Unfortunately, it seems that my ancestors were not as wise as they thought. It seems that the natives are indeed starting to rally again, and this time, this group isn’t keeping quiet.”
Jaimes nodded, “That’s what the reports said.”
Uncomfortably, the king continued, “they missed out a bit, one that I deemed prudent to keep quiet. It seems that this time, they have something to rally around, namely someone.”
“An heir?”
Last edited by Tamora on Sun Feb 03, 2008 5:58 am, edited 2 times in total.
It is an established fact that, despite everything society can do, girls of seven are magnetically attracted to the colour pink.
- Terry Pratchett, "Monstrous Regiment"




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Tamora wrote:This will be the start of chapter 2, so I need to know if it's suitable for that. I wrote it quickly and havn't really edited it, so all help is welcome.


Before I even read this, I have advice for you, and that is: it should be written carefully and edited well.

In fact, that is my critique; you should edit this instead of making other people do all the work.

Rewrite it and I will critique it.
"Death will not make my end."




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I've edited it now, but as I've said there are a few spots that I can't seem to get worked out, so some advice would be very helpful!
It is an established fact that, despite everything society can do, girls of seven are magnetically attracted to the colour pink.
- Terry Pratchett, "Monstrous Regiment"



You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.
— Joyce Meyer