The Days of the Black Sun - Chapter I The Armegedon

THE ARMEGEDON please citique so i know if i should continue the series- thank you

Everyone knows at birth that destiny is their guide. Everyone has a path that they must follow. When I found my own I wish I never had known it, and how it would intertwine with my darkest nightmare. Our race would almost cease to exist and our world would be lost to the stars.

March/16/2098: my squadron of 4 men were slowly lumbering back to our troop through a grassy meadow. 2 of them were badly injured. Our most powerful enemies the Gurocks had slashed their throats. Nasty demons that were over 11 feet tall, they had teeth sharper than daggers, 4 spider like legs with a blade at the end, a tail that had spikes going down it, a head that was scaly and orange, it had no eyes but gills that are used to see the figure of their challenger, the body was a completely red except for the head. We took 5 minutes to get back to the camp. We walked through the camp and saw what a dump we lived in. the 10 cabins were made of weak wood and barely standing, they were only big enough to hold 2 people, men that were wounded in battle were on the ground, if we ever had any food it was bugs, our clothes were tattered and torn, our water was half mud, the only good thing about this camp was it had a shield protecting us from the Gurocks.

We held the men on our shoulders walking them through camp. We took them to the far west corner of the camp to our bunk.
We set them down,

“Don’t worry man we’ll get you help, you’ll be okay.” I sounded more confident than I really was. I started walking to the medical cabin at the north end of the camp. As i was walking I started thinking, how long can we hold our own. In this war I saw no point to it, either way there was no winner. In about 2 minutes I was there to get the supplies. I walked through the arched doorway minus the door.

Inside there were shelves upon shelves of beakers filled with different colored liquids, it was littered with unpacked boxes filled up. I looked around to find a beaker containing a health serum. The whole place was empty except for the shelves. I walked to the left of the place and on the tip top shelf there was what I was looking for. I started to climb the shelves to the top.

I was just about there when I heard a crack. “Uh-oh.” All the shelves started coming down and so did I. My head, soul, and body hit the floor like a rock. All the glass beakers came crashing down. “Ow.” Was the only word that escaped my throat. I was sitting down and I looked up and the beaker was on the edge of the shelf.

It was wobbling back and forth, back and forth. “C’mon stay up there.” I begged. Whoop it fell down… crack it hit the ground with a splat. I didn’t want to talk about. I sighed and got back up. Suddenly out of nowhere BAM!!! There was an explosion I ran out to see what happened and the sight horrified me… one of our cabins had exploded! All the people were running around and running for shelter.

I grabbed one of the running men by the sleeve. He was about my height, he had a gray shirt, and kaki pant. I asked him, “What the hec is going on!?”

“Wwwwweeee'rrrre uuundddeerrr attack.” He stuttered out. I was frozen in place as I let him go. I knew what that meant… the gurocks were coming. A deafening shriek came from outside the village. There they were here, there were 10 of them and all were charging at the shield. Our main Sargent was running and barking out orders at the same( i don't know how did he does it). He was a Negro with the same thing that the other guy was wearing. Every solider including me got to the west end to where the gurocks were charging.

We lined up and the general ordered,

“C’mon men now’s the time to prove yourselves worthy of the uniform!” He handed every man a rifle. “Don’t shoot till I say to.” The gurocks were drawing ever closer and the tension was growing. Everyone cocked their rifles and aimed. They were only 11 feet away, “Wait for it,” he said “Wait for it.” 5 feet away everything seemed to go in slow motion after he shouted those fatal words, “FIRE!” all the soldiers fired the guns and the shots nailed the gurocks. Their screams sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

All 10 gurocks went down on the ground and landed right before the shield. All the men started cheering and raised their guns in victory. I smiled, but suddenly I stopped smiling when a sharp pain hit my side. Suddenly I heard a Deafening roar… the father was here. I ignored the pain and started shooting. It didn’t matter he just started charging and broke strait through the shield like it was glass.

I dropped the gun and started running like the devil was chasing me. The Sargent was shouting at me to come back and to stand my ground. I was 9 feet away from him then I turned around to tell him no. I swung my arm and… lightning shot out of it. It hit the Sargent and he fell down to his death. I didn’t understand it and I didn’t think but ran. I was at the end of the camp and hid behind a rock at the end of the site.

I only watched in horror as the camp was destroyed and people were murdered. It was 3 hours later and everything was destroyed. The gurockian father had left and done what it wanted to do. I came out and looked around for anything. I was going around the ruble like a rat looking for scraps. I was at my old cabin, I went into what was left of it and found something. It was a map all rolled up. I opened it and it showed a map to the city in the water. I gasped that place was supposed to be a legend. It was said that the streets were paved with gold. The biggest and baddest wepons were said to be stored there. And they had the most beautiful women imagenable.
“Well might as well go got nothing better to do.” I started doing what the map said, it said to go to the end of the plains. I started lumbering to the end and when I got there I was greeted by a sparkling lake

Ahoy there Gurockian! Welcome to YWS. My name is Saint.

Here at YWS, we have a couple rules that you need to know about. For one, space out your paragraphs! It makes things less of an eyesore as well as easier to read. See how I'm putting a blank line between my paragraphs? Go up to the upper right hand corner of your post, hit "Modify," and space out each paragraph.

Also, before you post your own work, it's required that you critique at least 2 other works, and it is also required that you keep that ratio of at least 2:1 as you continue on the site.

Once you do both these things, feel free to send me a PM for a proper critique, okay?

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Cheers!
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

Konbanwa! Are you new? I haven't seen you around before. ^_^ Welcome to YWS! I'm Black Cat Sachiko. Or Cat. Or Kitty. Or Chiko. Just don't call me Fluffy. ^_^

Before I get to the crit, I would like to bring it to your attention that it's required for you to post two critiques for every work you post. This is so that everyone's work will be looked at, and critiqued. ^_^ Now, onto the crit!

When I found my own I wish I never had known it, and how it would intertwine with my darkest nightmare.

This sentence just doesn't seem to flow right, or make much sense. @_@ Perhaps if you rearranged it, and added a few more words? Example:

"When I found my own destiny, I wish I had never found it at all, or realized how it would intertwine with my darkest nightmare."

It doesn't have to be exactly in those words. ^_^ Just a suggestion.

March/16/2098

This should be written out like so: "March 16, 2098." Just get rid of the slashes, and it'll be fine. ^_^


Just a note that I'll make about numbers. Usually, you should write out figures one through one hundred. The one really concrete rule about writing numbers is to be consistent. Example:

"I wanted five pencils, not 50."

Don't do that. Which, you haven't. ^_^ You stayed consistent. Just a little note. ^_^

Everything else seemed pretty alright. You remembered the periods (how could you not, you might think. Trust me, we've seen it happen. ^_^) Your dialog was good. One other thing that I may want to suggest is mess around with your paragraphing. Some of the thoughts, and actions in some of them don't seem to fit together.

Other than that stuff, this was very interesting. ^_^ I'd enjoy seeing more of it.

Keep those critiques up!

Congratulations! You commented on my story (well the pilot section anyways, it's turning into a novel now =P) and for this, you get a critique! ^_^

Everyone knows at birth that destiny is their guide. Everyone has a path that they must follow. When I found my own,[comma] I wish I never had known it, and how it would intertwine with my darkest nightmare:[colon] [This sentence is a kit awkward. He says he wishes he hadn't known it, but in the context he ONLY just found out so he shouldn't have had a chance to know it or know it would turn into his nightmare. Also, it makes more sense, dramatically, for him not NOT know it would turn into his nightmare.] When I found mine, I'd wished that I'd never found out. I'd wished I didn't know how it would interwine with my darkest nightmare: Our race would almost cease to exist and our world would be lost to the stars.

[s]March/16/2098:[/s][UNless he is keeping a journal, try:] On March 16, 2098 my squadron of 4 men were slowly lumbering back to our troop through a grassy meadow. 2 of them were badly injured. Our most powerful enemies,[comma] the Gurocks,[comma] had slashed their throats.[wouldn't that KILL them?] They were nasty demons that were over 11 feet tall[s], they had[/s]with teeth sharper than daggers, 4 spider-like legs with a blade at the end, a tail that had spikes going down it, a head that was scaly and orange, it had no eyes but gills that are used to see the figure of their challenger, the body was a completely red except for the head. [Very long description =P Maybe break it down into smaller sentences and attach meaning, like telling us what they use said body parts for?] We took 5 minutes to get back to the camp. We walked through the camp and saw what a dump we lived in. The 10 cabins were made of weak wood and barely standing, they were only big enough to hold 2 people, men that were wounded in battle were on the ground.[period] If we ever had any food it was bugs, our clothes were tattered and torn, our water was half mud, the only good thing about this camp was it had a shield protecting us from the Gurocks.

We held the men on our shoulders walking them through camp. We took them to the far west corner of the camp to our bunk.
We set them down.[period]

I walked through the arched doorway minus the door. [Don't do math. Is it designed not to have a door, or was the door removed? Tell us that instead of that the door was substracted]

Inside there were shelves upon shelves of beakers filled with different colored liquids.[period] The room was littered with unpacked boxes filled up[filled up with what?]. I looked around to find a beaker containing a health serum. The whole place was empty except for the shelves[that can't be true you just said there were boxes =P]. I walked to the left side of the room and on the tip top shelf I found what I was looking for. I started to climb the shelves to the top.

I was just about there when I heard a crack. “Uh-oh.” All the shelves started coming down and so did I. My head, soul, and body hit the floor like a rock. All the glass beakers came crashing down. “Ow.” Was the only word that escaped my throat. I was sitting down and I looked up and the beaker was on the edge of the shelf.

It was wobbling back and forth, back and forth. “C’mon stay up there.” I begged. Whoop it fell down and hit the ground with a splat. I didn’t want to talk about[this is usually only said when there is an oportunity to talk about it, otherwise it seems silly for him to say that]. I sighed and got back up. Suddenly out of nowhere [s]BAM!!![/s] there was an explosion.[period] I ran out to see what had happened and the sight horrified me:[colon] one of our cabins had exploded! Everyone was running around in a panic, [s]and running [/s]for shelter.

I grabbed one of the running men by the sleeve. He was about my height, he had a gray shirt, and kaki pant. I asked him, “What the heck is going on!?” [Why does the other guys description matter? Is it relevant to the plot? If you take the time to describe something, readers will think it's important. I thought he had picked the guy because of his description for some reason. Instead maybe describe the guys behavior: is he scared, worried, does he seem calm enough to handle answering a question?]

“Wwwwweeee'rrrre uuundddeerrr attack.”[=P If you just hold down the letter it would sound like he is holding the sounds instead of studdering them. "w-we-we're u-under a-t-at-attack!"] He stuttered out. I was frozen in place as I let him go. I knew what that meant;[semi-colon] the gurocks were coming. A deafening shriek came from outside the village. There they were here! There were 10 of them and all were charging at the shield. Our main Sergeant was running and barking out orders at the same time (i don't know how did he does it)[Brackets like these stop the flow of the story. If you want us to know this si what the character is thinking, have him think it.]. He was a negro[first, no capital, second...are you aware this is now considered an offensive term? It seems to me if he is impressed and respects this man, then he shouldn't be usual a racial slur to describe him] with the same thing that the other guy was wearing. [Ok, now now it seems what the other guy was wearing is relevant. But why? Do we care they have the same outfit or are you trying to show us that everyone wears the same thing in this camp?] Every solider including me got to the west end to where the gurocks were charging.

We lined up and the general ordered:[colon]

“C’mon men now’s the time to prove yourselves worthy of the uniform!” He handed every man a rifle. “Don’t shoot till I say to.”[Usually they 'until I give the order'] The gurocks were drawing ever closer and the tension was growing. Everyone cocked their rifles and aimed. They were only 11 feet away, “Wait for it,” he said “Wait for it.” 5 feet away everything seemed to go in slow motion after he shouted those fatal words, “FIRE!” all the soldiers fired the guns and the shots nailed the gurocks. Their screams sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

All 10 gurocks went down on the ground and landed right before the shield. All the men started cheering and raised their guns in victory. I smiled, but suddenly I stopped[s] smiling[/s] when a sharp pain hit my side. Suddenly I heard a Deafening roar… the father was here. I ignored the pain and started shooting. It didn’t matter;[semi-colon, i think] he just started charging and broke strait through the shield like it was glass.

I dropped the gun and started running like the devil was chasing me[he was, kinda. So maybe not state the obvious so much. 'I ran, overcome by fear']. The Sargent was shouting at me to come back and to stand my ground. I was 9 feet away from him then I turned around to tell him no. I swung my arm and… lightning shot out of it. It hit the Sargent and he fell down to his death. I didn’t understand it and I didn’t think, I ran. I was at the end of the camp and hid behind a rock at the end of the site.

I only watched in horror as the camp was destroyed and people were murdered. [s]It was [/s]3 hours later,[s] and[/s] everything was destroyed. The gurockian father had left and done what it wanted to do. I came out and looked around for anything. I was going around the ruble like a rat looking for scraps. I was at my old cabin, I went into what was left of it and found something. It was a map all rolled up. I opened it and it showed a map to the city in the water. I gasped that place was supposed to be a legend.
“Well might as well go,[comma] got nothing better to do.” I started doing what the map said, it said to go to the end of the plains. I started lumbering to the end and when I got there I was greeted by a sparkling lake.[Ho ho ho. So he doesn't care at all that all these people he had been living with, struggling with, were dead. He doesn't care at all, even after the fact, that he killed the sargeant, which probably made the father's job a lot easier and finally, why not describe the trip? Is he shaken, scared, cautious that the father might still be around? Did he bring a weapon, salvage some food? You just skip the whole thing =P]

^_^ Done. I picked at it a bit, hope it will help you improve it.

Your plot looks good, and I will admit I am interested in knowing about this lake city and why lightning is comming out of this guy's hands. My only suggestion is you add more detail, especially about the main character and how he thinks. This is his story, but we don't really know him and how he feels about his life. Also, you introduce the legend of the city quite suddenly, and don't go on it. What is the legend?

Now I must go study for exams. Good work on your story! Keep it up.

(PM me if you'd like me to look at the other parts! ^_^)