tear drops on my open hand

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Hello and welcome to YWS.

I say, you are a Svede? How interesting.

Okay, like a lot of first posts we get on the YWS, this is pretty short and doesn't really constitute a story. In actuality, you have several paragraphs that could be displayed as below. You could also stand to punctuate your paragraph as below.

A light rain began to fall when I reached the bridge. Its cool fingers caressing my face felt wonderful after such a heated discussion.

I looked out over the water at the boats floating by. I wondered if the people in those boats had ever had to deal with someone like him. Probably not. I doubted if there was anyone in the whole world as terrible as he was. I glanced at my watch and sighed. I didn't want to arrive home late.

"God have mercy on me if I arrive home late." I thought to myself. But God is not merciful, so I set out at a quick pace towards home.

By the time I got there it was almost dark. Damn.

I stood in front of the door, trembling, not wanting to be on the other side. I wiped some rain water from my cheek and looked towards the sky. That’s when I realized it hadn’t been raining for at least ten minutes, and the little droplets on my hand were tears. I took a deep breath, and opened the door, bracing myself for what lay within.

God have mercy.

Okaaayy, I'm not saying that's the perfect way to divide the paragraphs, but it's a start. As a note, because someone will tell you if you don't, you should double-space your paragraphs when you post on this website. The font is like, 8 point and it's brutal on the eyes to read when it hasn't been broken up.

This was interesting as an introduction to a conversation about to be held.

"God have mercy on me if I arrive home late." I thought to myself.

I don't like to put thoughts in quotes, because it's easy to mistake them as dialogue that way. Try putting them in italics, that's what I do.

But God is not merciful, so I set out at a quick pace towards home.

This sounded weird and I had to read it twice. Try it like,

Knowing that God isn't merciful, I set out at a quick pace towards home.

Can't say that I agree with the theology of your statement, but that's not what I'm critiquing, is it?

I wiped some rain water from my cheek and looked towards the sky. That’s when I realized it hadn’t been raining for at least ten minutes,

Cute. Actually, I wonder why someone would spontaneously stare at the sky, but whatever...

Acch, I made my critique like, eight times as long as your post, but anyway, keep up the good work.

I'm incredebly torn with this.

It was well written, that I can't entirely deny...But why not give us more? It's just a paragraph. I don't know who she is, I can only grab at straws that represent what her problem might be. You're leaning entirely on the fact that you think your audience will be able to pick up on it: but you're too vague. If it is as I guess, she's in a relationship with someone who abuses her. Give us more proof. Give us more than her thoughts. Where is the conflict in this? I almost want to say "why should I read more" only to realize there is no more to read, which was the first problem I mentioned. It's way to short to really enjoy. Your ending is good, but only a few moments later, I feel like I have been cheated by the writer. Why couldn't they have painted more of a picture for me, wove a better, longer story? You may have wanted it to be this short, but honestly it's just disappointing your reader, and me, to make it so short.

I suggest you present her problem with more evidence, and go deeper into it. Characterize her, give her conflict, something to solve, and by the end, solve it. Even though the emotions are good, emotions don't make a good story. I might feel bad for this nameless main character of yours, but at the end of the day, will I remember her story? No. I won't even know what to call her if I was going to remember her.

I think you get what I am saying. ^_~ Best of luck! if you have any questions feel free to PM me.

This seems like a clip, a short piece of a story. And post-climax at that. Well, we don't want an excerpt with no context, we want the story. Why so short?

Even this part could be longer. You might start and end the same way, but include a flashback, maybe hinting at why the narrator is crying, who "he" is and the horrible thing he did. What does the bridge and the water symbolize? What does the rain symbolize?

This needs to be fleshed out a lot. Fattened up with lots of Literary Candy and cooked in the Oven of Self-Editing.

But God is not merciful

Have to say I liked that line.

-Colleen

this needs some added work. it is to short, and i cannot make a real review because of it

After not reading this for a while, then reading it again, I happen to agree with all of you. First of all, it does need to be longer in order to hold attention. I also need to evolve and actual story. This short piece should probably go towards the middle/end of the story. Thank you all for your helpful input. : D