The Dying Tree: Lovers Regrowing

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The Dying Tree: Lovers Regrowing


Nothing can compare to nature;
we retread this wooded route,
when no art and no poetry,
can account for the beauty around me.
Even the dead of the trees
lay peacefully along the earth;
they open themselves for pathways.
We, the blind wanderers hold our tongues,
our ears are deaf, Tree falls in the woods,
no one is there to hear him.

Lovers compare silvery frosted glass,
of the bleached winter mornings,
to the soft, gentle breathing,
that broke them both into song.
We are, perhaps, dwelling in twilight,
Many days have passed without notice.
The child learns his seasons first,
and his life weaves around,
all else.

Edited (Twice) ;)

To be honest, I'm undecided on the title, so the current one is more of a placeholder, any suggestions are welcome though!
Last edited by ScarletMonkey on Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:30 pm, edited 5 times in total.
All the things of love you know
Are felt most when you let go




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Nothing can compare to nature, (semicolon maybe?)
we retread this adventure,
when no art and no poetry,
can account for the beauty around me.

I completely agree. I love these lines.

Even the dead of the trees
lay peacefully along the earth;
they open themselves for the feet of man. <<this is sort of awkward. "feet of man". May I suggest another phase, like "open themselves for pathways..etc."?

The human dead hold their privacy
to recollect all things given joyfully,
and join oneself to this planet forcefully

Those last two lines have a lot of adverbs. It gives the impression of rhyming, which, in this case, just sound repetitive. Then again, I'm an ardent adverb-hater.

So it must come to pass,
where leaves are remnants of the past,
man counts each second,
that materials have beckoned.
As the stuff in a story,
we should not really worry,

You give the impression of rhyming here, and these lines, personally, aren't my favorite. Firstly, they seem forced compared to the beautiful stanza above. They don't serve a lot of purpose to the overall meaning of the poem. I believe above and below are the most crucial lines of this poem, and this is just a buffer that you don't honestly need. Lastly, I'd shy away from using the word "stuff" in future poems, especially one like this that is trying to depict all the beauty of nature.

spring to the horizon
like leaves do to boughs,
the child learns his seasons first,
and his life weaves around.

These last lines - the last two, mainly - really drive this home. I absolutely love them.
Carpe Diem.




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This poem has the potential to be truly beautiful, but there's still more work to be done.

Nothing can compare to nature;
we retread this adventure,
when no art and no poetry,
can account for the beauty around me.


To begin with, your second line confuses me. We retread what adventure? I think you should rephrase this to make your meaning clear, as I'm not getting it. It give the impression of rhyming (or attempting to) with "nature" which lessens the impact of the first line and makes the reader flinch. To be perfectly honest, when I read that I expected a load of semi-rhyming rubbish, and that kind of beginning doesn't do this wonderful poem justice!

Even the dead of the trees
lay peacefully along the earth;
they open themselves for footsteps.
The human dead hold their tongue,
to recollect all things given joyfully,
Away from all else.


OK, nit-pick time. "lay" should be "lie." I agree with xantham that "pathways" might be better than "footsteps". Also, "tongue" should be plural as you're talking about more than one human dead. I'm not sure what those last two lines are supposed to mean; perhaps rephrase? I'd suggest not using "all else" here as it detracts from the ending.

Lovers compare the frosted glass,
of the bleached winter mornings,
to the soft, gentle breathing[s],[/s]
that broke them both into song.


I don't understand those last two lines either.

Spring to nature, spring,
like leaves do to boughs!


Eh? These lines "spring" suddenly into the poem, and I'm not sure they're needed.

The child learns his seasons first,
and his life weaves around,
all else.


That's absolutely beautiful. Whatever else you do, please keep this! :D

Overall, a lot of it needs editing for clarity and focus, but you have the beginnings of a really great poem here. I especially love those last lines. Kudos!

Cheers,
~bubbles
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




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Ok, a lot of stuff has been edited. I actually took a look at this and realised that the focus isn't that strong. I've got good lines in here but also some really weak ones

So I re-did some of it.

Before it wasn't that focused so i've fixed that AND changed the title to reflect it.

Anyway tell me what you think

:)

ScarletMonkey
All the things of love you know
Are felt most when you let go




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That was wonderful. ^_^ I loved it all. I'm not the best person to give a critique on poetry, but I found this easy to follow and enjoyable to read. Maybe someone with more experience about poetry will think otherwise, but I thought it was beautiful.

Great work!

~*Syd*~
Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel.




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ScarletMonkey,


To my ear, you have constructed a bunch of images placed haphazardly across the page to "support" some grandiose unifying themes of life/decay/time. You could have chosen to take each of themes seriously, but instead under-developed all three and left the reader with little more than a passing nod of recognition.

Clear the clutter of abstract ideas and feelings, find a concrete topic to write about, and work from there.


Best,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson



Poetry is the art of creating imaginary gardens with real toads.
— Marianne Moore