Shadowpath

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Hmmm... should this be in other poetry?

Omnipotent, powerless
Fearless and afraid.
Voices calling, pushing, pulling.
To and fro
Surrounding.

One white flower
Floating on a stream
A beautiful sight
For the moment.
Then it crashes, over the fall.
Destruction.
One white petal,
Bruised and shredded,
Emerges.
A fragment, the barest whisper
Of what it was before.

A shining mirror,
Reflecting,
Only what it sees.
Never more, never less.
Always changing, but the same.
Only what others see.
Never itself, never unique.
One flat piece of worthless glass
Lying dusty on a child's shelf.
Forgotten.
Unable to make itself remembered.

What point,
Is there,
In never truly being?
To be created as lifeless,
As something will end.
To crawl into the twilight,
Towards the deepest, darkest depths.
The shadows calling,
Coming nearer.

What point is there,
In Destiny not resisting?
Last edited by CK Lynn on Wed Jan 16, 2008 10:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Since you mentioned it, it might be happier in other poetry. This was a nice idea, but could use a little tweaking.

I'm not sure about;
"pushing, pulling.
To and fro
Surrounding."
I think you could use something more relevant to voices here, as I can't really get my head around voices pushing and pulling....and I think "to and fro" is a little stale.

The next stanza is very good. The imagery is great, and you've expressed yourself very well. I'm not sure about "bruised" though. Is there anything else you could try? Maybe;
"Shredded and worn", "shredded and bent", or "shredded, fragmented", or something like that.

I'd cut the comma after "reflecting", as I don't think you need it. I'd cut "never more, never less", as I don't think that you really need it, and teh same for "only what others see." I like;
"unable to make itself remembered".

I'd take the commas away after "point" and "there", and try;
"What point is there".I;m not sure about the phrasing of;
"As something will end. ", and
"In Destiny not resisting?"
I think they could be clearer.

Overall, a nice piece. Hope this helps.
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou



"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss