You already impress me, doing the same as the books!
Flashes of light shot through the very essence of infinity; our essences.
We were condemned to torturous pain if we tried to resist, then ripped violently through the now muted, sluggish colors and the faded, weak lights until we came to stop in the gray, cloudy, dull world. [double dashes instead ^^] The world that you ignorant beings called Home.
Compared to the Other Place, your so-called ‘Earth’ was a flea next to a dog.
And what thanks did we get of that, I ask you.
After that, things just got confusing until the very end when things finally cleared up.
As the Other Place faded completely and the dim outline of a dark room began to come into focus, I assumed the shape of my favorite guise; a young Egyptian boy with dark, ageless eyes and tanned skin.
“You, trust me?
“Interesting,” Jesse mused, but didn’t appear to be about to give anything else away.
] You probably know a better way to reword. You definitely prove that with your writing. 
“This master, he was young also, no?”
“Older than you,” I spat. I didn’t like discussing old masters with current ones. It just bugged me.
I think the kid knew that, because the smug smile was still plastered onto his face and he continued to question me.
Very good! You write so very well and you did marvelously with your characters. There's really nothing negative to say. The worst thing here are the minor punctuation changes above.
130,262 Literary Works • 671,512 Reviews
