Gorrath Chapter 4: Interrogation

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Okay, so it wasn't REALLY soon, but still! Here's part 4 of Gorrath, and now I will post Cra-yon Lay-onds 2.

Also, I started calling them chapters instead of parts. Made more sense.

Part 4: Interrogation

Dynecus was giving himself a clumsy haircut with his knife, succeeding in making himself look even more like a criminal, though at least not himself. He was halfway through, squinting at the dirty mirror, when there was a muffled, banging. He dropped the knife in the basin, startled, and splashed water on his face.

Walking over to the window, he opened it a little and stuck his head outside. There were three horses and four men, one in fancy armor and pounding at the door. He nearly gave himself a concussion as he attempted to shut the window and get back inside at the same time.

------

Aello took a vicious bite of a bun, fingered the gold in her pocket, and stood up, groaning. The grandfather clock finished ringing twelve as she opened the door. Her first glance at Fethron was that of an older, broken-down person compared to the man who had forced the money out of her two years ago.

He was leaning on a staff with a sharp metal point. His eyes were a bit bloodshot, though they were staring at Aello evil as ever, and looking at this pathetic but still threatening man, Aello couldn't help but feel sorry for the fugitive holed up in room thirty-five. She realized she had been standing there dumbly for quite some time, and forced herself to say, "What do you want?"

Lord Fethron blinked, and twitched in a strange manner, then said in a raspy voice, "If you're hiding what I think you're hiding, you'll know. And if you are, then you'll remain quiet, won't you? But if you do, then you'll die."

Aello stood stiff as a statue, as her mind worked furiously. There was no proof, was there? If she was discovered, she could simply say she had no idea he was a rebel. Somehow, she doubted Dynecus would betray her. She finally said, "I have no idea what you're talking about. Someone just asked for a room, I turned him away. Very rude, too."

Fethron made that same twitch, and said "Very well. I have no time to waste on you." The door slammed shut. Aello sat down and grabbed her half-finished bun. She sat still, crumbs falling from it, and wondered at her great luck.

------

Dynecus, peering through the window, watched as Lord Fethron mounted his horse, signaled for the others to mount theirs, and trotted off. They proceeded a few hundred feet, tethered their horses on a post, and shrunk into the shadows, watching the inn.

------

Aello should have known something was wrong, but she was too happy that it had seemed to go alright. She looked at the bun, which had amassed a tidy pile of crumbs on the floor. She realized she had unconsciously bitten into it, and swallowed. She finished it off, and went to get a broom, a bit shakily.

As she finished sweeping the mess behind the counter, Miles came down. "Who was that?" he said blearily.

"Lord Fethron." sighed Aello reluctantly.

Miles gave a start, his sleepiness suddenly gone, and said "I told you so!"

"Oh, do shut up. No one asked you, and he left, anyway. He doesn't suspect anything." Aello retorted.

Miles said "And how do you know that?" Aello suddenly noticed that Dynecus was anxiously peering around the corner at the top of the stairs. She mimed for him to go back as subtly as she could, and he vanished.

"Look, just go back to bed. I can handle it." Miles glared at her, and she started escorting him up the stairs.

Once he was back in bed, Dynecus emerged again. He carefully crawled down the stairs on all fours, clearly trying to be stealthy. When he reached the bottom, he stood in a sort of crouch and put a finger to his lips. "What?" Aello whispered.

Dynecus crawled a bit closer, and said "They left, right?" Aello nodded. Dynecus shook his head and replied "Wrong. They're watching the inn."

Aello rolled her eyes and hissed "You idiot!"

"I don't know why, They don't have any proof, something weird's going on. I even heaved a boulder over the hill, the uprooted vegetation should've been enough."

Aello shot a look at him, and said hotly, "Maybe they're too smart for your stupid tricks."

"Quiet! No, that isn't it, Fethron's horrible at tracking, and so are those lackeys. Something's up."

"What makes you so sure?" "Because I've had to get those particular people off my back literally a dozen times!"

"I want no part in this." Aello said.

Dynecus snickered. "Could've fooled me. 'Room seven is available.'" he said mockingly.

"Get out." Aello said, through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, sounds fair enough." he said. "I'll tip off the people in the shrubbery as to what you did for me."

Aello sighed. "Fine." she said, very grudgingly.

He chuckled, and went back up to bed. Aello groaned, and went into the kitchen to make something. She added some milk to a saucepan, and didn't even really notice she was making a pudding until she poured in the starch. She decided to make rice pudding, and went to get a bag of rice. She opened the cupboard, underneath the washbasin. Her mouth gaped. It wasn't there.
Last edited by Aet Lindling on Fri Aug 31, 2007 6:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
man hands on misery to man
it deepens like a coastal shelf
get out as early as you can
and don’t have any kids yourself.

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Part 4: Interrogation

Dynecus was giving himself a clumsy haircut with his knife, succeeding in making himself look even more like a criminal, though at least not himself. He was halfway through, squinting [s]at[/s]in the dirty mirror, when there was a muffled, banging. He dropped the knife in the basin, startled, and splashed water on his face.

Walking over to the window, he opened it a little and stuck his head outside. There were three horses and four men, one in fancy armor and pounding at the door. He nearly gave himself a concussion as he attempted to shut the window and get back inside at the same time.

------

Aello took a vicious bite of a bun, fingered the gold in her pocket, and stood up, groaning. The grandfather clock finished ringing twelve as she opened the door. Her first glance at Fethron was that of an older, broken-down person compared to the man who had forced the money out of her two years ago.

He was leaning on a staff with a sharp metal point. His eyes were a bit bloodshot, though they were staring at Aello evil as ever, and looking at this pathetic, but still threatening man, Aello couldn't help but feel sorry for the fugitive holed up in room thirty-five. She realized she had been standing there dumbly for quite some time[s],[/s] and forced herself to say, "What do you want?"

Lord Fethron blinked[s],[/s] and twitched in a strange manner, then said in a raspy voice, "If you're hiding what I think you're hiding, you'll know. And if you are, then you'll remain quiet, won't you? But if you do, then you'll die."

Aello stood stiff as a statue, as her mind worked furiously. There was no proof, was there? If she was discovered, she could simply say she had no idea he was a rebel. Somehow, she doubted Dynecus would betray her. She finally said, "I have no idea what you're talking about. Someone just asked for a room, I turned him away. Very rude, too."
Should make it a new paragraph
Fethron made that same twitch, and said "Very well. I have no time to waste on you." The door slammed shut. Aello sat down and grabbed her half-finished bun. She sat still, crumbs falling from the [s]bun[/s]it, and wondered at her great luck.

------

Dynecus, peering through the window, watched as Lord Fethron mounted his horse, signaled for the others to mount theirs, and trotted off. They proceeded a few hundred feet, tethered their horses on a post, and shrunk into the shadows, watching the inn.

------

Aello should have known something was wrong, but she was too happy that it had seemed to go alright. She looked at the bun, which had amassed a tidy pile of crumbs on the floor. She realized she had unconsciously bitten into it, and swallowed. She finished it off, and went to get a broom, a bit shakily.

As she finished sweeping the mess behind the counter, Miles came down. "Who was that?" he said blearily.

Aello sighed, and reluctantly replied "Lord Fethron."

I would change it to: "Lord Fethron," sighed Aello reluctantly. I think you have good dialouge but you need to work on your sequance. Your way is good for some parts, but others should be a little different. And dont forget that every time another person talks you need to start a new paragraph.

Miles gave a start, his sleepiness suddenly gone, and said "I told you so!"

"Oh, do shut up. No one asked you, and he left, anyway. He doesn't suspect anything." Aello retorted.

Miles said "And how do you know that?" Aello suddenly noticed that Dynecus was anxiously peering around the corner at the top of the stairs. She mimed for him to go back as subtly as she could, and he vanished.

"Look, just go back to bed. I can handle it." Miles glared at her, and she started escorting him up the stairs.

Once he was back in bed, Dynecus emerged again. He carefully crawled down the stairs on all fours, clearly trying to be stealthy. When he reached the bottom, he stood in a sort of crouch and put a finger to his lips. "What?" Aello whispered.

Dynecus crawled a bit closer, and said "They left, right?" Aello nodded. Dynecus shook his head and replied "Wrong. They're watching the inn."

Aello rolled her eyes and hissed "You idiot!"

"I don't know why, They don't have any proof, something weird's going on. I even heaved a boulder over the hill, the uprooted vegetation should've been enough."

Aello shot a look at him, and said hotly, "Maybe they're too smart for your stupid tricks."

"Quiet! No, that isn't it, Fethron's horrible at tracking, and so are those lackeys. Something's up."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Because I've had to get those particular people off my back literally a dozen times!"

"I want no part in this." Aello said.

Dynecus snickered. "Could've fooled me. 'Room seven is available.'" he said mockingly.

"Get out." Aello said, through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, sounds fair enough." he said. "I'll tip off the people in the shrubbery as to what you did for me."

Aello sighed. "Fine." she said, very grudgingly.

He chuckled, and went back up to bed. Aello groaned, and went into the kitchen to make something. She added some milk to a saucepan, and didn't even really notice she was making a pudding until she poured in the starch. She decided to make rice pudding, and went to get a bag of rice. She opened the cupboard, underneath the washbasin. Her mouth gaped. It wasn't there.


This read pretty well. You need to think about your word order when you write them out. the narration is fine but your dialouge pieces need a little work. Always remeber to start a new paragraph when another character speaks.

Everything seems well developed, I like the looks of it.
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective




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Thanks! Did it all.
man hands on misery to man
it deepens like a coastal shelf
get out as early as you can
and don’t have any kids yourself.

Legacy signature:
dun worry
it's all gun be k




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There were three horses and four men, one in fancy armor and pounding at the door.


This sentence sounds a little awkward. Maybe 'one of whom was in fancy armour' might sound better. Your call.

Nice narration of the tale with a cliffhanger ending, just as I like it. The flow of your story went well for most of it but the dialogue did throw me off on some parts. It's easier to read when theres a new line for each time a different character speaks rather than having two bits of dialogue right next to each other.




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hey aet...can you send the entire gorath you've written to me on nanomail or yws messages sometime? these are kind of hard to keep up with here in the forums...
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This is all I've written, and I've kind of abandoned it for now. I have a bunch of dusty plot in the attic of my brain though, so it'll probably be continued. Think of it as my suckier version of Sumi's Geezer's Property. :P
man hands on misery to man
it deepens like a coastal shelf
get out as early as you can
and don’t have any kids yourself.

Legacy signature:
dun worry
it's all gun be k




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lol...*sigh* i haven't had time to read that either
Go K-State for North Division!!



Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.
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