Driftwood

As I lie amidst the seaweed
on a beach of mournful sighs, I find
that I am drowning
in other people's tears.

Shall I cry too? And mix
my tears with yours,
exhale my contentment
across the shore? I want
to rise above the ocean
of your despair,
to fling back echoes of my laughter
on the miserable cliffs. For
I must tell everyone the way
the sun glitters in the morning
and how the rain is never sad.

Don't believe me? Open up
your eyes and you will find
you're dozing in the sunshine,
listening to the seagulls
beneath the umbrella of my smile.

Great imagery, etc etc...yeah, I liked it very much. Not much else to say, really. Nearly dinner time...yum, turkey!

um, yeah. bye!

Keep writing.

hey. i seem to be a bit more harsh than everyone else around here so dont be offended or anything. u have some really nice imagery, here's some comments u can ignore if u like.

I am lying on the shore ( maybe open with some a little more startling/ interesting/ captivating, etc)
Amidst the seaweed on the sand,
Listening to their mournful sighs, and
Drowning in other people’s tears.
I want to cry too
But not because I’m unhappy-
I want to exhale my contentment
Leak joy, and
Rise up out of the ocean
Of our despair; (these last 3 lines r the best bit)
To fling back echoes of my laughter
On the miserable cliffs; (Why are the cliffs + the seaweed miserable but u r not??/)
Tell everyone the way
The sun glitters
In the morning
And how roses bloom
Like dreams (roses are hard to pull off b/c they r so cliched. maybe just pick another flower. maybe includes some more/ diff description here)
If they’d just open their eyes.
(Unlike me, dozing in the sunshine (you do seem to be openeyed though b/c ur happy and no one else is so --- whats the message?)
Listening to the seagulls
Beneath the umbrella of my smile). (this last line is nice too.)

ok. hope that gave u something to think about. maybe you should try it in 3rd person or do something drastic just to see what u think......
ok done now.
mittens

I love this poem!! One of my favorites now lol. Very nice!!

Mittens.. about the cliffs being miserable while the narrator is not.. I think she explained that in the beginning, where she observed how most of her poems were sad. It's kinda like depression, and when you finally escape from it. You're happy once again, and you look around at everything that's threatening to pull you down again.. but you just laugh, and think "I'm past this now." It's a happy moment in sad times.. *gets an idea for her story*

Anyway, I love all the imagery in this. And I, for one, don't have a problem with the roses.. it reminds me of a picture I saw, with a blooming rose and little drops of dew resting on the petals. It was beautiful.

So, my point is that you did an awesome job lol!

Thank you Crysi. I'm particularly fond of this poem myself, because its so absurd (most of my work is usually straightforward - this is a bit more subtle). I suppose I should have been prepared for questions though.

Thanks also, Matt, for that encouraging - if brief - post, LOL.

I shall now address your concerns, woolmittens...

1) I dont mind harsh people. At least, not anymore. There used to be a time when I was really sensitive to criticism and a post like yours (which is actually quite mild compared with some I've had) would have had me deleting my poem and curling up in a corner. But no longer! I've been baptised by flames and now adopt the same attitude towards critics that a lamp-post has towards a dog.

2) My opening fits the poem. I'm sorry you dont find it interesting, but not all poems start off with a bang. That would go against the entire mood.

3) I'm glad you like those lines. I do too.

4) Like Crysi said- I explained that before the poem (did you read that bit?). Besides which, the poem has nothing to do with precisely WHY anyone is unhappy or not, but the contrast between them and the way I feel by comparison. And where did I say anything about the seaweed being miserable?

5) I happen to like roses, thats all.

6) Well, I can understand how you might find the message obscure. However, since you asked, the poem states how I feel surrounded by other people's misery and I want to show and tell them how happy I am by comparison, in effect making them look at the reason they are so unhappy - their eyes are closed. But the reason I am so happy is the same; we're on different ends of the spectrum, one living in a happy dream (me) the others living in an unhappy one. The poem is essentially saying that we are all either happy or unhappy because of the way we look at the world and the way we deal with things (There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so). LMAO - I think I was actually paying attention in English last year. I just analyzed my own poem. My only intention in writing it was to make people question why they were always writing about unhappy things, when happy emotions are just as powerful. I ended up defining my entire philosophy. Weird.

7) I love that line. It took me ages to work it in properly, but now its my favourite part of the entire piece. Glad you like it too.

Thank you for your review, I have given your points some consideration but I feel that I like my poem the way it is.
Cheers,
~bubble

I liked it a lot, but it was kind of missing something. I'm not quite sure what, but I think this poem missed making sense/connecting/being meaningful by the skin of its teeth. I would have liked a little more in common between the first half (lines 1-11) to the second half (12-the end). It seemed that where the first half was choppy in rhythm and different line lengths, the second part was leaning toward lyrical and all the lines were 3-6 words. Maybe add a transition stanza, or spacing? All in all, I really liked the poem, but it needs a bit of looking, over.

All bases have pretty much been touched, so I won't echo. ^_^ I loved this from your first word to your last period. Extremely well done! I'm not really sure what else to say, other than you're talented. Keep writing.

Best wishes!

~*Sydney*~

Argh, who dragged up this topic? I was absolutely useless!

"Umbrella of my smile" is still a really pretty image.