Self-Reflection

[pre]It was a dare I played and lost
A year later, I pay the cost
Drowning slowly, living in shadows,
Nothing to see, but bitter sorrows.
They have white skin, they have black eyes,
They're just humans, living in lies.
They have a smile, they have black hair,
They seem not to notice, not even care.
And I look around, live with those
See some wounds, tears and woes.
Then, a girl, passing nearby
Her eyes are dim, she couldn't cry.
No one was there, she was alone
Denying all, having none.
Her lip quivered, she looked at me.
Her eyes were blind, she couldn't see.
Her tears were cold, falling on my face.
Her smile had left, without a trace.
Then, suddenly, tears dropping on my skin.
I realize it's a mirror I'm looking in.[/pre]

P.S. This gave the creeps to my cousin who unfortunately found my paperwork by accident on my desk Sorry if it sounded depressing, I swear I'm happy-go-lucky now heh

"Her eyes were blind, she couldn't see."


I think sense the first sentence is in the past tense then, "I realize it's a mirror I'm looking in." should be I realized it was a mirror I was looking it.

Ooh. Quite moving! ^_^ I really enjoyed this. I didn't see anything that you needed to fix. I'm just a reader with her own nitpickyness (if that's a word) and I'm not to fond of your font. It's not a big deal, it's just my own little opinion. The content was very well done and your last line wrapped it all quite nicely with a pretty red ribbon. Keep up the good work!

~*Sydney*~

Some really nice stuff here! When I read and critique poetry, I tend to read it out loud, and it wasn't completely unsmooth when I read it, which is very very good, because usually it looks good on paper and then when you read it, it makes my tongue twist rather strangely. So yay!

My main thing with this poem is that the ideas don't seem to connect with each other. You bring up a dare, and then bring the interesting description of the girls, and then you bring up the mirror. But they don't seem to connect.

My favorite part of the poem was when you were describing the face and tears you saw and then finally that it was in a mirror, so why not expand that more? Take away the dare and just describe your own face, in better, richer detail. (You're a gorgeous person, so that shouldn't be too hard) and then describe how you look like when you cry. For me, my face looks screwy and red and my eyes are squinty, but whatever. You hopefully look less ridiculous when you cry. XD

Anyway! After describing all that and then your surprise ending, and it should be much prettier.

Good luck!

hi and thanks for your comments!

thething192:

haha thank you for the correction, i've always had some problems with my grammar. However, I was trying to follow the metrical feet

Silly Sydstix:

heeh yeah I don't love it thaat much either haha. I wrote my draft in the "Notebook" application (its font is the Courier one) and clicked on "Preformatted text" when I posted my poem. Soo yea.. sorry for your eyes ;P

Snoink:

thanks very much for all your comments. One of my main problems is that I can't seem to focus on a main idea and tend to put too much in a few words. While I understand myself, most people don't. I'll try to fix that with your tips!

imaginee_,

I was pleasantly surprised when reading this: "Self-Reflection" as a title didn't fill me with hope. I have to agree with Snoink when she points out the disconnectedness of ideas. The transition between a dare, an observation of "them" (whoever "they" are; it's not clear) and then to the girl which is you. This is probably the greatest problem with the poem. I enjoyed most of the lines and the rhymes and it flowed nicely except for some awkward lines such as "Her eyes are dim, she couldn't cry." which doesn't have the same flow of the other lines. But what you need to sort out is the transitions and clear up the start of the poem, which seems unrelated to the rest of it. If you could do that it would be much stronger overall.