Underwater

a thriller story i wrote. it isnt finished yet but id appreciate your comments. there are a few grammer mistakes but if you could find it in your heart to overlook them i will be so gratefull!! ha!
enjoy!





“C’mon guys lets get in the water already!” I shouted as I waited near the edge of the boat. Jamie and Harry were still getting there wet suits on.
“You’re too eager Dave!” shouted Harry.
“Yeah Dave, what is it with you and the Ocean?” Jamie added.
I looked out into the water.
“I dunno. I just love the smell, the waves…it just appeals to me.”
“I don’t see why. Its just a load of water. Nothin’ special.
I stared down into the deep blue ocean that I loved so much, not aware of what was waiting for me.
“Ok I’m ready!” said Jamie
“Me t… oh Damn! My goggles snapped!” yelled Harry.
I looked over and saw his goggles in 2 pieces. He was staring at them miraculously.
“Oh I cant wait anymore! Im going in. you follow when you’re ready! Ok?”
“Fine! Fine! Jeez. Go in already!” shouted Harry
“Urgh! Il help you fix them. You go in Dave. I’ll catch up.”
“Ok then. See ya!”
So I went in, in to the depths of the Ocean, how I wish I hadn’t. how I wished I had gone back, gone home sailed away…but it called to me, I couldn’t go back.
I felt the rush of cold as I plunged into the water. I felt that stillness that happened underwater.
I was underneath.
I loved it. It was fantastic. I had been swimming since I was twelve.
I swam in circles a few times and just enjoyed being in my favourite place.
After about ten Minutes, I started to wonder where Jamie and Harry were, so I looked ahead of me towards the surface and I saw a figure waving frantically. Jamie! I smiled. He was trying to tell me something. He looked in a state of panic. i couldn’t figure out what he was trying to tell me. He was looking extremely frightened now.
I squinted to see what he was doing. He was pointing slightly to my left. So I looked over to my left.
And then I saw it.
Terror Flood through my veins.
An enormous Grey shark was surging towards me, Its mouth open wide, bearing teeth like Bread Knives. It was about twenty metres away from me.
I suddenly realised how slow I was moving. Fear had completely filled me. Panic had replaced my brain.
Then it hit me. Its mouth embraced my shins. But it hit me with such force that I fell sideways onto its body. As it moved I felt its rough skin against my wet suit.
Now it had missed me, I swam frantically up. My eyes were closed. This was the fastest I had ever swam. Then suddenly I broke the surface. I expected to hit wood from the boat. I flailed my arms around to find it, but nothing was there. I opened my eyes and saw the boat was ten metres away from me!
Then, still floating with my head and torso above the water, I looked down.
This was the most frightening sight of all.
Out of the darkness I could make out a huge set of jaws surging up towards me.
Then I started Screaming…

((to be continued...))

*shakes head*

a thriller story i wrote. it isnt finished yet but id appreciate your comments. there are a few grammer mistakes but if you could find it in your heart to overlook them i will be so gratefull!! ha!
enjoy!

A tagline? Please don't equip your stories with a tagline... And also, all your writing should be accorded the same due dilligence as your stories. A poorly written opening will not go over well with critics.

Now to the story: (and grammar mistakes can never be overlooked, they can be corrected)

[spoiler]“C’mon guys let's get in the water already!” I shouted as I waited near the edge of the boat. Jamie and Harry were still getting [s]there[/s] their wet suits on.
“You’re too eager Dave!” shouted Harry.
“Yeah Dave, [s]what is[/s] what's it with you and the Ocean?” Jamie added.
I looked out into the water.
“I dunno. I just love the smell, the waves…it just appeals to me.”
“I don’t see why. Its just a load of water. Nothin’ special."
I stared down into the deep blue ocean that I loved so much[s], not aware of what was waiting for me. [/s] *
“Ok I’m ready!” said Jamie
“Me t… oh Damnit! My goggles snapped!” yelled Harry.
I looked over and saw his goggles in [s]2[/s] two pieces. He was staring at them [s]miraculously[/s] incredulously**.
“Oh I cant wait anymore! I'm going in. you follow when you’re ready[s]![/s] Ok?”
“Fine! Fine! Jeez. Go in already!” shouted Harry
“Urgh! Il help you fix them. You go in Dave. I’ll catch up.”
“Ok then. See ya!”
So I went in, in to the depths of the Ocean, how I wish I hadn’t. how I wished I had gone back, gone home sailed away…but it called to me, I couldn’t go back.
I felt the rush of cold as I plunged into the water. I felt that stillness that happened underwater.
I was underneath.
I loved it. It was fantastic. I had been swimming since I was twelve.
I swam in circles a few times and just enjoyed being in my favourite place.
After about ten [s]M[/s]minutes, I started to wonder where Jamie and Harry were, so I looked ahead of me towards the surface and I saw a figure waving frantically. Jamie! I smiled. He was trying to tell me something. He looked in a state of panic. i couldn’t figure out what he was trying to tell me. He was looking extremely frightened now.
I squinted to see what he was doing. He was pointing slightly to my left. So I looked over to my left.
And then I saw it.
Terror [s]F[/s]flooded through my veins.
An enormous [s]G[/s]rey shark was surging towards me, Its mouth open wide, bearing teeth like [s]B[/s]read [s]K[/s]nives. It was about twenty metres away from me.
I suddenly realised how slow I was moving. Fear had completely filled me. Panic had replaced my brain.
Then it hit me. Its mouth embraced my shins. But it hit me with such force that I fell sideways onto its body. As it moved I felt its rough skin against my wet suit.
Now it had missed me, I swam frantically up. My eyes were closed. This was the fastest I had ever swam. Then suddenly I broke the surface. I expected to hit wood from the boat. I flailed my arms around to find it, but nothing was there. I opened my eyes and saw the boat was ten metres away from me!
Then, still floating with my head and torso above the water, I looked down.
This was the most frightening sight of all.
Out of the darkness I could make out a huge set of jaws surging up towards me.
[s]Then[/s] I started Screaming…
[/spoiler]

^^ And that's just the grammar mistakes.

This suffers from a blantantly Hollywood plot, followed by a complete lack of characterization and description. Plot is not the only thing that matters in a story. In fact, i've read fascinating stories with virtually no plot. Then, i've read stories like yours which have too much.
-You need to flesh out the characters. Instrest is generated primarily from the results of well-developed characters interacting in an unusual enviroment. YOur story has none of this.
- Description. There is much to describe, and you don't oblige us. The boat, the water, the people, the sky, the shark, the feeling of being underwater (to name a few).

To be honest I see little life for this if the plot doesn't improve. But, rewrite it anyway, because I think your writing technique deserves attention. I suggest a steady diet of well-written stories on this site.