A silver spoon to fill in the blanks

5 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 16
You've been cross-dressing again, dear sidestreet,
And I've been staring at you for so long, while the noise
Of the seven jazz quartets (almost six cellos in all)
Has been ringing inside me like a thousand quivering bells
Pulled from the quiver of some gypsy
And her row of horsehair tapestries
Almost warmer than the skin
Of another moonlit, pale wire
Hanging over me like frost against a windowpane
Reflecting roaming wolves in the water
And the us between the leaves.

I am scared now. Away from me, go, until I turn
My clock ahead a few hours, just in time for summer solstice.
Daylight savings time never meant much until you gave up.

Until she came inside and tore down the curtains.
It's too bright in here, you used to say.

I almost think I'm beginning to agree.
You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 23425
Reviews 566
I love the first stanza of this. The imagery is great, and I love the tone of the poem. One thing I would say is that "Away from me, go," doesn't sound quite right to me, like the words need to be rearranged or something. Also, the repetition of quiver in the first stanza. Apart from that, great work.
Matt.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10087
Reviews 701
I agree; the first stanza is the strongest, although "quiver" should not be repeated in such close proximity. I'd skip the second stanza altogether - it adds nothing to the poem and is badly phrased. With a little bit of tweaking the poem should work fine without it.

Overall a nice piece; some excellent imagery. Do try to tone down the huge, run-on sentences and add a bit of punctuation here and there, though!

Cheers,
~bubbles
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 41
pheunominal!! I loved the 2nd stanza the best... :)
"Am I that obvious? And if it's written on my face... I hope it never goes away." Pieces of me, Ashlee Simpson :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 52
this poem didnt make much sense and it was a little bit to much to take in

lulu
I open my lunch box Hopin' to find a sandwich, an apple some cookies or cake but there, coiled and hissin' and set to unwind Is anouther big venemous poisonous snake leaving me hungry as can be you think my mother's mad at me?



Russets and tangerine shades of old gold flushing the very outside edge of the senses ... deep shining ochres, burnt umber and parchments of baked earth—reflecting on itself and through itself, filtering the light.
— Guildenstern (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard)