Night

Night
Wrap me up in darkness
A black blanket overhead
Keep me safe and hide my face
Protect the thoughts within
Betray no emotion upon an unseen body

Cover up my heart
The stars become my guide
Watched over by the moon
Walk down that empty lane
The whispering wind my companion

Allow my dreams to run
Under a shadowless forest
Freed from the bonds of day
Become all that I wish to be
Forever safe from the blinding light


(not to sure if it should have been under lyric or dramactic )

I reall enjoyed reading this. It was vivid and well-written; although at some points I found myself stumbling over the words. I suggest reading this out loud, the syllables in some lines do not match well with the other lines. I love this poem, and look forward to reading your other pieces.

Mel

First thing first, you need punctuation. Right in the beginning I was gasping for breath. Just to make the overall poem flow better, you have to have more than just lines. Now on content:

Wrap me up in darkness,
A black blanket overhead.
Keep me safe and hide my face,
Protect the thoughts within.
Betray no emotion upon an unseen body.

**I really like the first two lines (punctuation included) You don't have to use my exact punctuations of course, I'm just using them to get a better feel. "Keep me safe and hid emy face, protect the thoughts within". I do like the way this sounds, but I'm not completely sure I get the meaning? Why does your narrator was to keep their thoughts unheard or unseen and who is she asking to do so? I don't remember that being answered in the poem. As for the last line, I really don't get it. It does sound nice, but I think it can be rephrased to get a feeling people can relate to. Your imagery is good but put more thoughts into the words so that they flow easier.

Cover up my heart,
The stars become my guide.
Watched over by the moon.
Walk down that empty lane,
The whispering wind my companion.

**"Cover up my heart". Here "cover up" seems a little too bland for such a feeling to be portrayed. Maybe use words such as "mask"? Just something more vivid. The second line and third lines also have me confused. So after her heart is hidden... she follows the stars? Right? And the stars are watched over by the moon? Or is it her? I think this is a really strong part that didn't get all the attention or explanation that it deserved. Simply saying that the stars became her guide and that she was watched over by the moon seems a bit cliche. Add more detail? Just a suggestion. I love the last two lines though, they were my favorite. Lines like those don't need as much explanation. Beautiful.

Allow my dreams to run
Under a shadowless forest.
Freed from the bonds of day.
Become all that I wish to be.
Forever safe from the blinding light.

**Now here in the end, I sort of forget about the rest of the poem? It didn't seem to connect to well. Like all three verses were beautiful in their own way but when put together, it became abstract. Is this saying...now that her mind and her heart are bound... her dreams are allowed to take over? If so, then I get it. Very great meaning. But if not, you may want to read this over and try to find ways to connect it better. "Freed from the bonds of day" Why does day bind this person? Because she doesn't...dream during the day? And then at the last part "Forever safe from the blinding light" The repitition with these two lines, both dealing with being freed from light, doesn't fit so well. It seems like one should stay and the other should be replaced with some other metaphor. If you don't mention her being freed before throught the poem than it reads kind of odd when you put both lines in one stanza. Maybe move the first line to another stanza? Just a suggestion. I do love the first two lines though!

***Well that's all! I like your meaning (if I didn't demolish it with my own interpretations...) A very interesting way that you portrayed it. Hope this helped! PM me if you have any questions

PS. I think this belongs in lyric poetry for the type of imagery you used...but I'm not so sure. You might want to ask a Poetry Moderator.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

Overall, I felt this was an OK poem but not particularly striking. I liked your imagery, and you seem to have a good grasp of rhythm. However, your subject matter was a little cliche and like Rieda I felt it a little difficult to understand what you were intending to say.

I'd suggest going back over it and putting in some punctuation, as Rieda mentions - that might help. I also think you should perhaps explore your imagery a bit more -- the poem changes from scene to scene rather rapidly, and might benefit from a bit more depth. For example, the image of someone walking down an empty lane with only the wind as their companion is striking, but it is buried in the quick chop and change of imagery. Perhaps you could expand on that.

Cheers,
~bubbles

PS: As to the placement, I think it might be better in Lyric...but I've never been too sure about the difference between each category, to be honest

I thought this was pretty good, but not great. Twas rather hard to understand, and I stumbled over the words a lot. I found that some sentences really didn't fit in that well.

Wrap me up in darkness
A black blanket overhead
Keep me safe and hide my face
Protect the thoughts within
Betray no emotion upon an unseen body

That last line didn't seem to fit, but it may just be me. It was also hard to read, like it had too many sylables or soemthing.

I like the other two verses much more than this one, to put it simply.

Happy writing!

~Bella~