Striving for sometime

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Maybe if you keep pulling the strings you might find something or maybe not. If you keep pulling the strings a miracle could happen or maybe not.
But if you keep pulling the strings you will eventually achieve something wonderful!
the best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up




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Points 890
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Hey Maya!

Maybe you could try using poem format? Like:

Maybe,
If you keep pulling the strings
You might find something.

Or maybe not.

If you keep pulling
the strings a
miracle could happen.

Or maybe not.

But if you keep
Pulling the strings
You will eventually achieve
Something wonderful.

I dont know!

I love this poem, though. I'd like to see you add a little more to it, though!

You are a great poet, Maya! :]

*teeth thing*
Peace, My Pal.
Courtneyyy :]




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I agree that you need to use poetry format here. Beyond that, the poem is rather formulaic. There is little in the way of technique and even less in the way of literary devices (e.g. metaphors, similes, etc.). I also felt the constant "maybe...but maybe not" repetition was rather...pointless. It cancelled itself out, if you see what I mean?

I suggest you try going deeper. You want to create a poem that is accessible to the reader. At this point, it feels like a list of your thoughts and as such offers little insight or illumination. Try expanding this with a story or some interesting imagery and description. Add a little pizazz! I'm sure you'll get the hang of it in no time :D

Cheers,
~bubbles
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)



When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings.
— Dean Jackson