Sitting/Beauty

My try at poetry in the cinquain form. The two are separate, but I figured I'd put them in the same thread since they were of the same style. The second is in more of an exact style explained here that I tried to duplicate.

Sitting
I sat
Too close to her.
I thought she would be mad,
But she only came closer and
Kissed me.

-----

No Title
Beauty:
Specious, lustful.
Wanting, waxing, weeping.
I hold you in my shaking hands.
Untouched.

Sitting.

I liked this poem, it was short, simplistic and meaningful and the measure was spot on. Quatraine, Cinquaine or whatever other aine there is poems usually don't appeal to me, probably beacause they are the closest thing to Edward Lears nonsense poems, but this poem had an appealing quality. Well done.

No title.

I didn't like this poem as much as Sitting- it was a bit too much Haikuish.
But it was nice all the same, and I'd like to commend you for some well chosen words. i liked the alliteration in line three, not because it was effective, but rather because it was there!

Keep up the good work!

Ooh! I loved the sitting one. You captured a very sweet moment quite nicely. ^_^

I haven't seen a cinquain in years! I used to be obsessed with these when I was about eight. I made a poster teaching my parents how to write one. >.<

I really liked the first one; simple, but it captured a nice moment, rather like a haiku. Short and sweet.

The second one...not so much. I couldn't really get a hold of it. It was a little too abstract, a little too jumpy. It also has the word "beauty" twice, which seemed like one too many times in such a short poem.
Anyway, I couldn't really visualize anything these, and it did jump around a lot. The lines didn't really connect.
I mean, this is the kind of cinquain I've seen before, with the really exact structure, with this kind of word on this line, etc. Perhaps the poem was just limited by the awfully demanding structure. Yeah, I guess considering the severe limitations, it's not bad, although the repetition of the word "beauty"...oh, and I think you could come up words other than luscious and playful. I feel like those are used a lot to describe people who are beautiful.

Yay Clau!
Colleen

Thanks all!

Colleen — I edited it with your comments in mind. I'd explain "Beauty" to you, but if it needs explaining then it must not be a very good poem, is it? I think with the change of Luscious and playful I gave it more meaning. I really want to change "weeping" but can't think of another W verb that would fit my purpose. The one line that I think you could get the most out of, description wise, would be the third. But that is how I see it. Maybe the poem is better now? I think the first poem is better than the second in any event.

Again, thanks everyone!!

I do like the new words. Yeah, if it needs explaining...well, explain it, actually, I'm curious. I do get a feeling out of this, but it's a little fuzzy.
I just think that the structure requirements are so limiting it's really difficult.

Yeah, the first poem is much better. I likes it!

Colleen

I'll agree with the above... the first poem is much better. A pretty little glimpse into a situation and a juncture in time... and well worded!

The second one I wasn't so fond of. I mean, technically, it was fine. But as a poem? It didn't really catch my interest... you're better off following the same sort of thing you did with the first, providing a vignette.

I like the first one because it wasn't in the usual fashion, plus it told a story. And it told it so well that it surprised you by the end of the poem and it remained cute afterwards. Also, it was concrete. So yay! I liked it!

The second one was not as good. That was in the usual format and quite obviously so. Instead of being concrete, like the first one, it was abstract. So yeah. Not bad, but meh.

Hope that gives you more direction!

Merci everyone, yes, I certainly like the less strict poem one, and I really love this form. Maybe I'll write a few more like the first. I liked that one a lot.

The second one, not so much. It sucked XD. But I do like the form. So simple, but so cute.

Anyway, thanks!

I liked both. They were each very simple and affective. There wasn't too much or too little and you got the point across in very flowly descriptive yet simple and short words. Great job.

Keep at it!
-Rieda

I haven't seen a cinquain in a while either. Both of them were nicely written!

Great job!

I love them both, especially the first one, as I was really impressed that you managed to tell a story given the constraints of this form.
I loved the alliteration in the second one. It was really beautiful (no pun intended!) I can feel something, but I just can't articulate it fully...I love when poetry does that to me!Well done. A pleasure to read, as always.

I like them both in different ways--the first one is more simplistic, more narrative, but not more personal that the other--which is much more formal and royal, sort of like jewlery.

One suggestion for the first one: "came" was just a verb that felt too bland, and I felt like you could create this line the vibrant focal for the first cinquain, and employing "came" as something along the lines as "drooped", "arched", "bow", something more visually appetizing.

But they were both excellent:D GOOD JOB!