AF chapter

"Hey, school pictures are coming up." Wes handed me a packet.

I opened it and took out the usual order form and brochure. "Hmm, they're offering black and white this year," I observed.

Wes grimaced. "How come they gotta make these things so expensive? We could buy our own camera for less than this."

"Yeah, an outdated model," I quipped.

"Shh. Monica coming."

I looked up and, sure enough, she was standing in the doorway. "Are you guys going to order pictures?"

"Nah, no point," Wes said. "'Sides, we don't have enough money."

I felt a twinge in my back and stretched. Maybe I should visit the nurse about that, I thought.Tomorrow was Saturday, so I decided to go then.

"Ben, you listening?"

"Huh?"

"We have to get to class now. Mr. Peterson will be awful mad if we're late."

"Well, see you later, Monica."

My back kept flaring up all day. I finally went to the clinic when it got so bad I couldn't concentrate.

"There's nothing wrong," the nurse assured me. "It's probably just growing pains."

It didn't feel like that to me. There was an insistent ache, and sometimes a prickle along my nerves. But I didn't say that.

I went back to my room with an ice pack, and that was that. .

Hm. There's not very many details, and we don't know where these people are. I mean, it's obviouls they're at school, but are the in class? Did school just end?

Also, it's hard to keep your characters straight because there's so much dialogue, and, well, so many characters. ^-^"

Basically, give us more background. :D:D:D

with alot of your chapters, you just jump right into the story. The first line is often text and it can take a minute to catch up. some description might be nice before you leap into things. Same with the shortness, alot of your chapters are short and don't have too much of a reason behind them. I realize that the pain in his back is important so make a big deal about it. explain more about the nurses visit and what it feels like.

PM me when you write more!

This was nice. I almost wish the guy wouldn't grow wings (that's where this is headed, no?) and you just kept writing it as a dialogue driven school story. But, I guess soon you'll fill it up with monsters, and wizards, and even though that's fine, I've always liked my stories a bit more quiet.

Anyways, the dialogue is good. It feels authentic, and real. It also doesn't feel like you're just filling up space, and moving the story quickly. We enjoy reading it. It flows well, too. Your character's thoughts and feelings don't interrupt the story like they sometimes can, and the conversation keeps going, in perfect sinch with the narration. It's small, and maybe I will be dissapointed later on, but up till now, it's pretty nice writing. It isn't genius or whatever simply because it's basically nothing.

I would also take out the "Or so I though." I mean, of course "or so you thought", there wouldn't be any story if you hadn't "or so you thought", but it's kinda abrupt. You should carry on without saying that, keep the suspense, or whatver, going for a while without resorting to using those kinds of lines. It demishes the whole narration.

Keep writing!

i think it was tooo short.....
what is wrong with this story?
there is no story!