All I Wanted.

All I want is to be wanted.
All I need is to be needed.
What I see in you is exactly what I want.
What I see in you is exactly what I need.

Why should you come back?
My mistake, My problem.
I messed up our relationship and now I want it back?
Why should you be expected to return?

Finally loved and I took it for granted.
Finally an adult, able to walk on my own and I destroyed it all.
Back on the ground, destined to crawl for the rest of time, like a child.

What is it about love that makes it so addictive?
What is it about love that makes it hides behind bushes, posed and ready to jump and grab the first prey it sees?
Why do I always have to be the prey?
Why is it that when you left I was shunned to my room to cry and listen to slow love songs?
To cry myself to sleep while you went out and lived life?

I understand it was me but why should I be punished?
I recognize my downfall.
Do I get a redo in life? I guess not.
My heart couldn't take it so I had to get out.
Only to regret it and want it all back.

What is it about love that makes it hide[s]s[/s] behind bushes, posed and ready to jump, to grab the first prey it sees?

I would make "posed and ready to jump...."(etc) its own line.

Why is it that when you left I was shunned to my room to cry and listen to slow love songs?

I don't think shunned is the right word to use here. Also, this line seems kind of awkward compared to the rest of the poem. Try re-wording it. Perhaps "Why, when you left, was I..."
Also, since you say that you cry in the next line, I would suggest omitting that part from this line.


Over all, it's mediocre. I'm sorry, I just don't like it. I think it's a topic that's done all to often and you weren't very original in your portrayal of it. However, there is always potential. Try showing us why it was you.. your fault. Reconsider your approach when/if you re-write this.

Hope I could help

~Rea

I'm with Reakeda - not very inspired.

I think the problem is that it's rather self-absorbed. This poem is all about you, you, you, and it's expressed in a manner that does not allow the reader to really make sense of anything that's happening. You refer to a "relationship" with "you" that you somehow screwed up. The rest is you angsting over your fall from grace.

Not to be rude or anything, but why should I care? You give the reader no real reason to feel sorry for you, no way to empathize with your feelings (since you tell us but do not show us) and no means of fully understanding your situation.

You might want to expand on things in your next draft. Perhaps, like Reak suggested, focus more closely on the reasons for the break-up and how it was your fault, rather than this empty repetition about how much you loved him and how much you wish you could get him back. If you use some more poetic techniques (e.g. metaphors, analogies, similies and the like) and tell your story in a way that is accessible, I'm sure the poem will be much stronger for it.

Regards,
~bubbles

Dido both crits.
Like the other peeps, it was kinda like all about you.
It felt like there was not allot of emotion in it. I don't know, just something
is missing.
Keep trying.

-- M.B.Author

I agree with the first 3 people who replied before me.

I have written about this sorta stuff so much already (and saying that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because there's a poem of mine that I'm very fond of that follows the same basic idea as this sort of), so it does get a little iffy after a while. There are a few lines that you could shorten by dividing them up in the right places and making them their own lines, most notably in the 4th stanza.

Overall, I think it's okay, but it could could've been a bit more individualized in some sort of way.

Googling your first line, with quotes and all, results in over fifteen hundred finds. I think that alone speaks volumes about what you need to focus on.

I'm not on the whole love poem scene; makes me want to tear my hair out.

This... wasn't great but it wasn't terrible. So, it was inbetween. You used a range of imagery but I don't think it was enough to push past some of the cliches and the "cheesiness" of it all. That, I believe, it personal preference, so ignore at will.

Also, I wasn't majorly fond of the structurel; perhaps try something a little simpler, or perhaps even a little more technical. In everything, you fall to average, which isn't bad - this means you only have a little of improving to do!

Hope this helps,
GingerLove