The Domino Effect (DISCONTINUED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE)

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This is in Fanfiction because I am in the story. The other people are not real and neither is the plot, so please don't use this to make assumptions about me. Not real. :wink: enjoy!

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The Domino Effect

"Syd! Over here!" Someone calls as soon as I step through the door. Across the room, Sallele beckons me over to our usual table: a cozy little space in the corner near the window where the moon pours in like spilled milk. Also sitting with her are our other two closest friends, Bryan and Nicole, but they don't seem to notice me as they continue to cuddle and coo with each other. Sal smiles and pats the empty spot next to her in the booth when I make it over to them and take a seat, setting my purse in between the two of us but I keep my cell on the table.

"Hey," I greet first to Sal then to Bryan and Nicole. They briefly look away from each other long enough to say "hi" and wave to me before they are back to their snuggling; I roll my eyes half-heartedly. It's so like them to be so caught with each other that they hardly even notice anyone or anything else. "Anyway," my attention is now on Sal, "Did you get my text?"

She looks confused and immediately I know her response before she even gets to say it. She didn't get it. She pulls out her phone and peers at the screen with the same confused eyes. I take her coffee frappuccino and take a sip, watching her all the while, "Uhh... no. I don't think I did."

"You didn't."

"Well, what did it say? Was it anything important?" Instead of shoving her phone back into her purse, Sal too sets her cell on the table. "And give me back my frapp!" she laughs, snatching her cup away from me.

"I was wondering when you were going to notice." I smirk, "And the text was just to let you know that I won't be able to go to the Avenue with you guys tomorrow."

"What?" she cries, gaping widely, "But... but Syd! It's shopping, and makeovers, and pretty much the only place where the hottest guys hang! Why aren't you going?"

"I'm going to stay with my grandparents for a while," I sigh, "When Tally was born, I kind of promised them that I would come and see them once she turned two. Grandma called me yesterday to remind me at the last minute." I puppy eye her, "I'm sorry. Maybe we can do it... umm... later."

Her eyes slowly begin to narrow, "When exactly is later?"

I scoot away from her and try seeing if I'm able to curl myself into a ball, speaking quietly, "The weekend before school starts back?"

"The whole flipping summer?" she cries, practically screaming.

"Shhh. Too loud!"

"Syd," She begins, her voice now softened to a loud whisper, "The whole summer? Oh my jeez!"

"Hey, hey, hey," Bryan breaks in, he and Nicole both staring at Sal and I, "Chill. What's going on?"

Sal glares, "You would know if you and Nicole weren't practically sucking each other's faces off." In unison, they poke their tongues out at her and I snicker behind my hand as she continues, "Syd isn't coming to the Avenue with us. She's been called away to the torture chamber in the good ol' N-Y." At that, I elbow her in the side. Yeah, my grandmother is a little rough around the edges, harsh and all, but I'm not too fond of anyone talking about her like she's some type of slave driver.

"Sallele."

She jerks a little at the jab but then hugs me around the shoulders, giggling, "I'm only kidding. You know I love your grammy... when she's not trying to lock me up in The Chokey."

"Sallele!"

"Okay, okay," interrupts Bryan again, "Moving on, little girls." He turns to me, a sort of mock fatherly glow in his eyes, "Now tell me, Sydsticks," I hate it when he calls me that, "why aren't you coming with us?"

"I promised the grans that I would I visit them when Tally turned two, which was a while ago but I thought it might be better if we just go on up there over the break. I'll be back the week before school starts back." I got the idea of calling my grandparents "the grans" from Sal; she tends to come up with crazy things like that.

"Okey doke." Well he sure was bawling all over the table.

"Hey, how is Tally, by the way?" asks Sal, taking a sip from her frap.

"She's doing well. Oh my gosh! You won't believe it! Yesterday, she came into the kitchen from the playroom, walked up to me and said 'I gotta go potty'. So, I took her to the bathroom and she shut me out, saying that she wanted to do it herself. I let her go in herself, then she came out when she was done and said 'I did it!' with this huge grin! I went in, looked into the toilet and there it was with about the smallest scrap of tissue I think I have ever seen used to wipe herself floating around in the bowl too!" I begin to glee. I glee as though I have discovered a million dollars under my bed!

Bryan and Nicole stare at me like idiots. No doubt that they weren't going to have kids after marriage.

Sallele squealed and took my hand, "Aww! How cute! I absolutely love Tally; she's like the most adorable little girl I think I have ever met. I am going to get to see her before you go, right?"

I laugh and take some of her drink, "Of course. She misses you, ye know. No one else sneaks her gingerbread cookies and warm milk at night when I'm asleep."

"How did you know!"

"Sal? Please. She's two and I bribed her with an ice cream float. What makes you think she wouldn't tell me?"

She grins and tsks at me, "Bribing. Shame on you, Sydney."

I tsk back, "Sneaking. Shame on you, Sallele." And we laugh, continuing our conversation for a few minutes more before I decided that I needed to get back home to Tally before she drove the babysitters, my aunt and uncle to be precise, into insanity.

"Well give Tallz my love and sleep tight, missy missy." Sal says with a hug, followed by hugs from Nicole and Bryan. I pick up my phone and we make our way out the door, going out to our cars; Sal, Bryan, and Nicole are all in Bryan's car. They exit the parking lot with me close behind and the neon "Starbucks" light goes off and an employee flips off the switch to the "Open" sign as a way to let everyone know that they were closing up for the evening.

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I'm looking for help with the punctuation and capitalization since those are my weakest parts. I'm aware that the chapter is short, so no need to remind me. It gets longer throughout. This gets a little freaky, which is why is PG-13, so just be aware. Thank you!
Last edited by Lady Sydney on Sun Dec 16, 2007 7:08 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel.




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Hey there Syd. First of all, I would like to say sorry as my critique will not help you address issues like punctuation and capitalization as that can be easily fixed with proof reading. Instead, I will be discussing the actual idea behind this piece.

I thought this was ok. Not bad, not good. Just ok. I was somewhat interested with what I was reading. However, my interest could had peaked higher if the piece was not lacking in some areas.

What was good about this piece was that your dialogue was very natural and fluidic. It was simple and straight up and does an excellent job in establishing the situation of the characters. It wasn't the typical dialogue you hear in like scenes with teenage girls in it, but it seems to be more of a reflection of you. I give you kudos for using your own experienes into this piece.

Now for the bad things. The piece lacked some description. You had a great description about the moon shining on the table which was the hook for me. However, it seems to just fade away as the piece goes on until it was reduced to just telling. Try to show more than tell. It would make it much more interesting to read and it will picture a much stronger picture in my head. I only had the first few lines of descriptions to use as inference to pain a picture in my mind.

Another major issue was the lack of characterization. Now I could tell that you did attempted that, but it was not at the standard that I hoped. We know very little about Syd and there wasn't much action or thought bubbles of Syd. The other characters that you had in this piece just feel somewhat flat, because they were simply just there and there's little relevance to the piece. My advice is to establish the character, Syd more as Syd is the only character that I am interested in. I want to know more about her. If you do not want to develop the minor characters in this piece, then try to link them with the main character in someway. I say that because who a person hangs around with does show a bit of their personality and life style. Make the minor characters feel more into the story and establish stronger links with it.

Hrmm that's all I have to say Syd. Overall, it was ok, but if you follow my advice, then it would had been a great read.

Good luck,
Andy
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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Thanks, Andy! Will keep that in mind for the next chapter.

~Syd
Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel.



True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are, it requires you to be who you are.
— Brené Brown