squeak. . . . squeak

jarred lay listening for the sounds
listening. always listening. never doing. never interupting. just listening.
the sounds started.
normally they didn't start so soon after he went to bed.
maybe. . . . no - he won't think that. too depressing.

he was under his bed, clutching his doona to his small body, waiting and listening.
the sounds were always strange to him.
jarred never'd have the nerve to find out what the sounds were.

they always started off slow. long intervals.
squeak. . . . . . . . . squeak. . . . . . . . . . . squeak. . . . . . . .
and soft.

but eventually, inevetibably, intorably they'd get louder and faster.
squeak. . . . squeak. . . . . squeak.

and the subtle noises and groans and moans would become less stiffled, more pronounced.
the groans and moans scared jarred.

he wondered as he always did, what his mother was doing with the new stranger.

squeak. . squeak. . SQUEAK!

Interesting. This is really well written.
My suggestions: 'jarred', i assume this is the name of the boy, i struggled at the beginning. The word 'never'd' confused me slightly as well. Although things like these can add to technique, if the reader has to stop reading to work it out, it doesn't work.
Keep up the good work. Kudos.

Hm, I don't understand this at all.

Your structure is not the best, your gramatical spelling is terrible and the structure of your sentences could be cleaned up. I second the use of capital letters for names and also you need to use a capital letter when starting a new sentence. The use of dots should be shortened down to three and all in all, I didn't care much for the idea.

Sorry for such a harsh review,
Mischief x

Hmm. I honestly don't know what to make of this. It's interesting--that's for sure, but I'm not sure if it has real substance. Although I must say that the ending was pleasantly disturbing.

It's interesting how you didn't use any capital letters. This is written like a poem, which might be an interesting style to go into. Maybe you do that all the time, but this is the first thing of yours I've read, so I don't know.

Anyway, I think this is pretty good. Keep it up!

Well you need to work on capitalization...
It good but we know nothing about who looks like what and where this person is and what he thinks...
This is a very very ruff draft. Keep going.

kokobeans: thanks for such a positive review! - yeah the boy's name is jarred. thanks for the "never'd" suggestion - sometimes i get lazy writing, and add nonreal words.

mischiefmaker: lolz - u really don't understand it???? this isn't meant to be an ACTUAL story - therefore structure doesn't count. i know my spelling is terrible, but this WAS a rush job. use of capital letters isn't needed for this. . . it's a kind of illiterate style that i am fond of. --- thanks for the review anyway! your point of view is interesting

fangala the flying feline: *laughs* "pleasantly disturbing"??? that's good - i was aiming for "twisted", but that's close enough! thanks for such a positive review!

gwenevire: . . . thanks - but the whole concept was that you don't NEED to know what the guy looks like to relate to him. i was aiming to keep it as short as i could. in the way some art can be contemporary, so is this for writing (or so i hope!).

Hmm... I liked it. The formatting was very good, and the idea isn't something I've read much (although I'm sure it's not uncommon).

The spelling and grammar could be improved on a bit, but overall I enjoyed it (although at first I thought it was about mice.)

hey thanks!

yeah. . . mice. . . coz of the "squeak, squeak" right?

well. . . thanks for reading it!

cheers!

jai