Teardrop

My heart breaks
My eyes sting
as salty teardrops roll down my face

Its clear form twists towards my nose
As I am lying right next to my rose

My rose is death and now it has died...
Forever more let me rest in peace


<<I have no idea whey I wrote this! XD>>

*Moved to Dramatic Poetry*

Thanks a million! I don't know what I would do without you!

So, this was... interesting. Very emo and... well... it wasn't very good. I mean, there was a lot of stuff in there - teardrops, rose, dying, heart breaking - that was so, I don't know, overused. So irritatingly and categorically emo. I think that if you found another way of portraying whatever it is you're trying to say, that would be a plus.

Also, I'm not sure if this was supposed to rhyme or if it was just random. From the second stanza, I thought that it was supposed to rhyme, but then I reread it and it didn't, so I thought it was weird that you rhymed just the middle.

Hope I helped.

Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin

This seems very...cliched to me. Heartbreak, death and roses are overused in teh same category. It also doesn't flow so well. I have no suggestions on how to fix that right now, but those are my opinions.

MERRY WRITING!
~Bella~

Well, I agree with Enchantress and Bella.
It's very cliched, what with the rose and death and twisted love and all. Those ideas are just so overused that they don't mean anything anymore.

To remedy this, I think you should try comparing your ideas (death, love etc) to other things that remind you of them. It would make the poem more fresh.

Gwenevire wrote:Its clear form twists towards my nose
As I am lying right next to my rose

That really seems...well, no offense...
For one thing, the "clear form" sounds just odd. It really seems like forced rhyming.

We need more imagery in this. Where is she lying? Why? What is she seeing besides the...erm, rose?

Happy Editing,
.:AYRA:.

With no desire to make you feel bad, your poem isn't very good...
However, I have decided to help you and I've played around with it.
I've used your main ideas and twisted them around.
You don't have to use it, but please feel free to gather some ideas from it.

My body hunches over,
as my heart breaks.

My eyes sting and throb,
as the water droplets fall.

My hands press together,
as they unconsciously form a fist.

My rose means death,
and now it has died.

Forever and until eternity,
let my rose rest in peace.

My main thought of your poem it that it's quite cheesy and is pretty much a "put-together" of many typical ideas such as death, love, roses and tears...

Also, feel free to PM me if you need any ideas or if you need any peer editing. I'll be more than glad to help you.

Always keep trying,
Tessia T.

It worked until you got to the last two lines. They just don't fit it seems. I'd play with this though and see what else you can get fom it.

Thanks y'all!
I don't really think it is good either... I was really sad. You know how sometimes when you are pissed or sad crap just flows out you like a song? Well I get that!
I think it is just a failure! XD