The Last Living Souls

Original Version By Gwenevire

The morning sun warms the dark
As the happy song of a calling lark
Fills the air with music
The trees sway gently in the daylight
and rest there until night

Icy blankets of white fluff litter the world
With cold and concealment
The birds and animals have retreated to their homes
But the trees sway gently in the daylight
and rest until night

Fire bursts from blackened trunks
Animals flee from their homes
The trees groan and fall to the floor
They rest there until night

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Revised Version By Tessia

The morning sun tenders the dark.
The happy song of a calling lark
fills the air with melody.

The trees sway gently in the daylight,
They rest there until night.

Icy quills of white fluff strew the world
With frigid concealment .
The creatures have retreated to their homes.
But the trees sway gently in the daylight,
They rest until night.

Fire bursts from dusky trunks.
Animals flee from their homes.
The trees groan and fall to the floor.
They will rest there
forever,
until night.

Gwenevire wrote:The morning sun warms the dark
As the happy song of a calling lark
Fills the air with music
The trees sway gently in the daylight
and rest there until night

Icy blankets of white fluff litter the world
With cold and concealment
The birds and animals have retreated to [s]there[/s]their homes
But the trees saw gently in the daylight
and rest [s]unlit[/s]until night
((Saw? Did you mean to say 'sway'?))

Fire bursts from blackened trunks
Animals flee from [s]there[/s]their homes
The trees groan and fall to the floor
They rest there until night

This is pretty good. I don't quite understand the transition from daylight to... fire? I think you should add a couple of stanzas explaining that bit

I am just trying to tell y'all that if you think about it trees are always there they never complain and stand until the end.

Thanks Ayra Or should I call you something els now?

Oh, ok. But I think you should make that idea more evident in the poem.

No, Ayra is good...still haven't decided whether Kesha would be better...

I will think about it... But I like it the way it is now.
Thank though

Okay Ayra.
If you wouldn't mind just call me Genevieve from now on.

Not bad, I don't think.

But I had a problem with the whole idea; I have not a clue what you are trying to portray in this piece. Maybe it's because I'm a little dim, but I think maybe you could add somethings to actually make it seem more poetic.

The flow was pretty good and I didn't mind the structure; maybe I'm just supid.

Good work... I think,
GingerConfusion

Hmm....Pretty good. Although I got lost, I liked the descriptions you gave.

~Spirit

At the moment, there's a bunch of pretty moments, but they don't really seem to be connected. Introduce the fire a little more, and everything will become more smooth, I'm sure.

Thanks! I will think about this tonight and do something about it the next day !

this is good, i like the discriptions you use. it was smooth to read. good job.

kim

I agree with Snoink. As it is, it's nice, but feels disconnected. Mess with a little and see if you can't get it to work together a little more. I don't really feel anything when I read it, but it's nice all the same.

It's pretty good.

First of all, remember your punctuation!
I've played around with your poem to add a bit more of flow. Tell me what you think;


The morning sun tenders the dark.
The happy song of a calling lark
fills the air with melody.

The trees sway gently in the daylight,
They rest there until night.

Icy quills of white fluff strew the world
With frigid concealment .
The creatures have retreated to their homes.
But the trees sway gently in the daylight,
They rest until night.

Fire bursts from dusky trunks.
Animals flee from their homes.
The trees groan and fall to the floor.
They will rest there
forever,
until night.

Keep it up,
Tessia T.

Wow! Thanks...
As you can see! You are a natural poet! Unlike me!
I will put that up under mine and give you credit for it!

Thanks!
Genevieve
xxx