Gone

Sitting in the emergency room
tears swelling in my eyes
the rapid beep of the machines
pulsating through my mind
I wrap my thoughts around it
It is the only thing to keep me calm
And as I begin to drift off to sleep
The one I love is gone

Before I realize what's going on
Nurses and doctors are rushing in
I clamp eyes shut to stop the tears
pulling my hands up to cover my ears
I don't want to see this, I don't want to hear this
The doctor attempts to speak to me,
but I don't want to know.

Today is a day to remember
A day that will be haunted forever
When moans and groans will be heard at night
And children will suddenly feel cold
The day the one I love is gone


(Something I wrote in school while we were watching a movie.)

I really like this. You need to add punctuation to it but it flows really well; you have a very natural rhythm. Perhaps you could expand it, add a few more lines, some more imagery and try to evoke more feelings in your reader. You want them to form an attachment to your characters and not just the one who's sitting inside the emergency room. Through him/her you have to show who the dying person is so that the reader cares about them when they die.

I think this would work really well as a Narrative poem. Try to keep it down to just the two characters but you could have the persona looking through the glass, into the room. And maybe leek a little history about the people, how are they related to each other? And what is the person dying from?

Hope this helps and feel free to pm me with any questions,

Heather xx

Thanks! For once I didn't do a rhyming poem...

Nice poem! I like how you start off at an emergency room and slowly give out details as the poem progresses.

One thing that you could probably tweak are these lines:

I wrap my thoughts around it
It is the only thing to keep me calm
And as I begin to drift off to sleep
The one I love is gone

At the moment, they're off rhythm and they feel slightly random besides, especially the last one. Does she know that the love is gone, or does the love go and she doesn't know it yet? It's a bit ambiguous, so you might want to clarify it.

Pretty good though! You should edit it and post your new version.

Thanks. She doesn't know that her loved one is dead yet, because she is sleeping, well falling asleep.

Then you might consider revising it. At the moment, your point of view is with the person that is about to sleep, so if you go outside of that point of view, it seems wrong. Don't do this -- instead, give us enough information to guess about what is happening and who is in the emergency room and why we should care. It doesn't really matter whether that person dies... all that matters is that we care.

EDITED!

Lol, Well I just added two new stanzas.

EDITED again!

Lovely. And by the way, I love your avatar.

So you normally write rhyming poetry, huh? Great, me too. I love rhymes. And believe it or not, but this is a rhyming poem. The rhyme is very subtle, but that's what makes it genius. Seriously, read this over and you'll see an incredible rhyme sceme that could only happen on accident.

The only thing I see wrong is the word "wanna." It's out-of-context, since the rest is perfect English.

Great job! I really liked this!

Omg, thank you so much! I fixed the "wanna"