splenda (revision posted 17th Nov 07)

aqua green
cooking appliances rumble, like
the mail truck outside,
in a kitchen whose age
trumps my (almost) sixteen years, where
the tea kettle fidgets, blowing kisses in
the corner, leaving steamy lipstick smudges
on the cupboards
while grandma takes her blood sugar in the den,

and the patio furniture cocks a rusty head at me
through the screen door, asking:
why aren’t you outside?
asking like the rumble of the mail truck
and the steam of the sweetened afternoon

It's a nice thought, really, but it needs to be carried out--there is no ending, it just kind of stops.

I would reconsider your linebreaks here...they are often awkward. The reader finds themself taking breaks where there should not be a break. Just reread, or have a friend read it and help you out on this.

I would also consider getting rid of some filler words ['and' 'the' etc.]. Not all, obviously, but I think there are too many complete thoughts here.

It great that you can be descriptive, but you need to be descriptive with a point. Why should the reader care what is going on in your kitchen or outside? What's the message?

Welcome to YWS!
Amego

no point, it is just the view of sombody who is veiwing almost nothing at all

it is sort of dull and full of nothing

keep writing and =) happy reading (=

I wouldnt say overdone so much as underdone, really. I agree with Mr. Everybody that it was full of nothing -- there are some beautiful and intriguing images in there, and you have a gift for saying things in a unique and interesting way; but this is spoiled first by the slighlty jerky line breaks and second by the fact that it all ends up going nowhere.

Basically, the only problem I have with this is that it *feels* like it's leading to something, but it never does. It doesnt have quite the right note of whimsy to be a just-the-way-things-are sort of poem; but nor does it feel like it comes to a satisfactory conclusion, epiphany, ending, etc. You need to give it more purpose -- describe a particular thing, a particular emotion, someone, something concrete. Ask yourself:

What are you trying to say here? What do you want to convey? Why are you describing all of this to us and, most importantly, why should we listen? Why should we care?

Give me a reason to care, and I will. Until then, it's pretty, but it's not working.

Cheers,
~bubbles

Revision posted 11-17. This is the first poem I ever posted on YWS, and eleven months later, I finally put up an edit. Niiiiice.

Thanks for reviewing (ages ago) to Via, Mr. Everyone, and bubbles.

Hmmm. A tough one to critique, my friend, it takes some thinking about. Not in a bad way certainly but it's unique. The lack of punctuation is clearly for a reason though I can't see the purpose behind it which is quite frustrating. And no capital for the very first word? Very unusual though by no means wrong. Okay. I'm going to steer away from that now though I must admit I have an urge to tell you to change it a little. To add a few capitals and to end with a period...

The imagery in this piece is beautiful. I particularly like the visuals connected to the kettle. They're clever, well thought out and pleasant to imagine. So full marks where that's concerned but your piece appears to be lacking in plot. No, that's not really what I mean. Rather it's lacking in direction. There's a subtle point about being inside amongst the artificial objects while the real world awaits and this repetitive image of the mail truck but I think you should emphasise that more. Perhaps extend the second stanza a little to include other items that might lure a person outside.

A line that seems a touch out of place is the one referring to grandma in the den. The rest of the poem rotates around the personification of objects and having another person there doesn't quite fit to me. Maybe if you expanded it, it wouldn't seem so out of place but if you removed it, I don't think there would be any damage done to your poem and I think it would flow more smoothly.

Other than that, I don't really have any suggestions. I think this is very well written and it seems to grow on you with each reading and there are so many depths to your imagery. I hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

The revision is great, but I don't get the "aqua green" image.

Oh now since when is that a criticism, 'it's about nothing', life is about nothing. Poetry that are exercises in observation are just as valid as conceptual works, as observational drawings are just as valid as abstract art.


There is a listlessness, a languid quality to this, it is almost like a sketch. I think this is the right length for this kind of piece. I question your integration of your persona into the setting, your persona has not so much of a presence, they're just kind of half in half out, so strengthen that or think about whether or not you need a persona at all. You have a Douglas Adams like approach to personification, almost childlike, and in retrospect I think there's this theme of coming of age, of the caught between the child and the man. I don't like the fidgetting and blowing kisses simultaneously, especially as it leaves lipstick smudges, it's not going to leave a mark if it's blowing them unless it leaves it on it's hand, get a grip on that.

But you're developing quite and interesting voice, and I look forward to shredding your future work.

Thanks, Heather, Gummy, and Kit.

kitty15 wrote:A line that seems a touch out of place is the one referring to grandma in the den. The rest of the poem rotates around the personification of objects and having another person there doesn't quite fit to me. Maybe if you expanded it, it wouldn't seem so out of place but if you removed it, I don't think there would be any damage done to your poem and I think it would flow more smoothly.

I have considered taking it out before, but the reason I didn't was because of the grandmother's diabetes. I can see the poem working with it gone, so thanks for bringing it up. I'll take that into consideration!

xanthan gum wrote:The revision is great, but I don't get the "aqua green" image.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say the aqua green image...?

Kit wrote:I question your integration of your persona into the setting, your persona has not so much of a presence, they're just kind of half in half out, so strengthen that or think about whether or not you need a persona at all.

An interesting point. I'm not really sure how to pull off this poem without having a persona. But no one has ever said that about this poem, so it stands out to me and I'll think about it. A lot.

Thank you again for your helpful criticism, all. I appreciate it so much!

-Colleen