Divorce

i wrote it a couple seconds ago and gave it a short revise but it still might be kind of... rough. just thought i'd give it a try. some rhymes might be forced but... well im rambling now. you can read it and see for yourself
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My spirit dwells in fantasy,
a taboo between painful reality,
and blissful nothingness
I've become an irreversable mess.

Tears trickle behind unseeing eyes,
torn apart by all their lies,
dangling by a heartstring,
groping for relief.

The fissure in my heart
has forced the halves apart,
one for mom and one for dad
I've lost all hope that I once had.

Shining eyes of childhood,
carefree in every mood,
have turned to cold hard stone
where emotion is not shown.

Could there be a cure?
Of this I am unsure,
an antidote for love gone wrong;
I haven't hoped in so long.

I can't trust myself,
my life's a bloodstained knife on a dusty shelf.
Should I pick it up in hope?
Would it stab again? I couldn't cope.

I'm still flickering between reality and nothingness,
still a teary, bloodstained mess,
still suspended in taboo,
I have no idea what to do.

I have to choose,
but how can I?
when choice is what destroyed my life.

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ok if its horrible dont kill me i tried

Wow, this is an extremely powerful poem. I'll be honest, I was expecting it to be really cliche, but you proved me wrong!

You do need to wrok on your rhythm a little bit. For example:

"I can't trust myself,
My life's a bloodstained knife on an empty shelf"

This is very awkward and messes up the flow of the poem. Also, the flow in each stanza changes almost every time. Each paragraph has a different rhythm. You should probably try to fix that. Overall though, the rhymes were good and not too cliche! I hope this helped.

~Sunny

i liked this a lot. the rhyme scheme is good but you need to work on the rhythm. actually, the only thing i disliked about this was your intro which isn't really part of the poem (in the future, i wouldn't say "this poem is for people whose parents are divorced because, trust me, if your read the title, you can figure it out). nice job!

This seems like a typical teen angst poem to me, but that's not a death sentence. When writing about a topic as emotional as a divorce, it's easy to slip into abstract expressions of anger or sadness, as well as cliche.

Imagery. You could use more of this, especially concrete imagery. It holds your poem together, it gives the reader a sense of the speaker's experience, it's a darn good idea.
Instead of saying, "My spirit dwells in fantasy, a taboo between painful reality and blissful nothingness," which is more likely to confuse your reader than give him/her a feeling for the poem, you might want to start out with something a little more tangible. The speaker's parents are getting a divorce--you could start out with perhaps a description of the speaker's surroundings when he/she discovers that the parents are divorcing, like a car or house.

Concrete imagery pulls together the abstract ideas and emotions presented in the poem into something other people can connect to. Your images shoul be tangible, thoughtful, unique.

Here's an example of using images to express emotions.

Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe

Recognize it? It's from the Beatles song "Across the Universe". Fantastic song. See how the abstract ideas, i.e. "thoughts" are personified? "Thoughts" alone doesn't evoke much emotion; it doesn't tell much about the speaker's feelings regarding the subject. But saying that the thoughts "meander" (personification) and comparing them to "a restless wind inside a letter box" really give the listener a feel for it.

Rhyme and Rhythm. The current rhyme and rhythm make this poem sound very childish and amateur. Rhyme and rhythm are really great things, but it takes a lot of practice to make them sound better. Making your rhymes sound natural is a goal to strive for. For good examples of this, see any Robert Frost poem. A favorite is After Apple-Picking.

Above all, be careful about forced rhyme. This is what happens when you write a great line but can't think of a good word that rhymes with the one you already wrote. This dilemma often makes less experienced poets mess with their syntax or use words/phrases that don't belong in the poem for the sake of rhyme. It's hard, but you have to show the rhyme scheme that you're boss. Let the rhyme revolve around the poem; don't let the poem revolve around the rhyme.

Good luck!
-Colleen

This, believe it or not, has too much imagery.

Did that make sense?

Basically, right now you have a bunch of fluffy images just bouncing around. Rather demented fluffy images, mind you, but that's besides the point. You need to add some substance and make this poem truly yours. And writing about feelings and giving them a suicidal twist is, unfortunately, not the way you do it.

Consider: how has divorce affected you in the past? How have you felt because of it? How have others you know and love been affected by it? And yes, this might sound like I'm telling you to make this poem into a story. And in a way, I guess I am. I want you to form imagery that isn't completely emotional and is very real. Because reality hits the reader much harder than similes ever can.

So make this poem more real, cut out some of the emotional drivel, and you'll find that you get a really emotionally impacting poem.

thanx for the crits everyone! im not much of a poet, i know. i always focus too much on the rhymes i may work on this later, but I'm pretty buzy right now. thanx again for the crits!