Secrets Of The Goblin King Chapter Three (Part One)

Chapter Three

“ What do you want Cory? I thought I told you to leave me alone!”
“You did but I decided not to.”
“Look I don’t want to go with you into that black hole! And you can’t make me! Nobody can!”
“Oh yes I can Evan! I know your weakness.”
Tears started to roll down Evan’s cheeks. She didn’t want to go with her. She wanted to stay where she was. Cory didn’t know a thing about her, or did she?
“ Look over here Evan,” came Cory’s cool voice sharp with wickedness.
Evan looked. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She sank to her knees and begged Cory to do anything but what she was doing. Cory was torturing her mom and dad. Making them suffer because she didn’t want to go into the big black hole.
“I thought you said that you were never going to bow down to me ever again Evan? But look at you know. You’re on your knees begging me for mercy!” an evil smile lit up Cory’s face.
“I’ll do anything, just let my parents go!”
“ There is one thing you can do. You can let me lock you in that big black hole.”
“ Fine I’ll do anything!” Evan was sobbing now.
“ If you do let me lock you up, you will never ever come out alive again,” Cory let out a wicked laugh. The laugh was so wicked that it made Evan’s insides cringe at the sound of it.
“ I’m sure, I’ll do anything! I cross my heart!” She watched as Cory let her parents go, and come toward her. An evil smile passed across her face. Cory grabbed her arm, her nails piercing Evan’s skin. Cory’s grip tightned around her arm. Evan started to sweat. She knew that her death was near.
“Say goodbye Evan!” Cory sneered.
Cory pushed Evan. All Evan heard was Cory’s wicked laugh as she was plunged into darkness.
Evan sat bolt upright. Her face was wet with sweat mixed with tears. Okay, it was just a dream. Just… a… dream. Pull yourself together Evan. Come on. And before she knew it Evan was asleep.
Evan woke up with the sound of a soft knock at her door. She rolled over to see what time it was. 10:00 am! She sat bolt upright almost hitting her mom in the face with her forehead.
“Whoa, sweetheart settle down a bit!”
“But mom I’m really late for school!”
“No you’re not honey, school was cancelled because of all the snow we got last night.”
“Sweet!” Evan yelled and raced over to her window pulled up her blinds and gazed upon the freshly fallen snow twinkling in the sun like diamonds. The trees and the landscape were a beautiful sight coming from the view she had.
“ It’s beautiful isn’t it?”
“Ya.” They stood there for a couple of minutes more. Evan then made her bed and went downstairs for breakfast. After breakfast she got on her snow pants, coat, mitts, hat and boots. She then headed out to play with her friends and shovel out the driveway

My comments are in bold. I've underlined and/or barred out some of your writing and then commented underneath:

ringettegirl wrote:Chapter Three

“ What do you want Cory? I thought I told you to leave me alone!”
“You did but I decided not to.”
“Look I don’t want to go with you into that black hole! And you can’t make me! Nobody can!”
“Oh yes I can Evan! I know your weakness.”
Tears started to roll down Evan’s cheeks. She didn’t want to go with her. She wanted to stay where she was. Cory didn’t know a thing about her, or did she?
“ Look over here Evan,” came Cory’s cool voice sharp with wickedness.

((I think it should be 'came Cory's cool voice, sharp with wickedness'))

Evan looked. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She sank to her knees and begged Cory to do anything but what she was doing. Cory was torturing her mom and dad. Making them suffer because she didn’t want to go into the big black hole.
“I thought you said that you were never going to bow down to me ever again Evan? But look at you know. You’re on your knees begging me for mercy!” an evil smile lit up Cory’s face.

(('lit up' and 'evil' just don't really relate. Maybe try using a more evil word, like 'darkened' or 'shadowed'))

“I’ll do anything, just let my parents go!”
“ There is one thing you can do. You can let me lock you in that big black hole.”
“ Fine I’ll do anything!” Evan was sobbing now.
“ If you do let me lock you up, you will never ever come out alive again,” Cory let out a wicked laugh. The laugh was so wicked that it made Evan’s insides cringe at the sound of it.

((You repated 'wicked' twice, which sounds kind of odd. Why not say something like this; 'Cory let out a wicked laugh. It sounded so sinister, so filled with grim triumph, that it made Evan's insides cringe.' Or something like that ))

“ I’m sure, I’ll do anything! I cross my heart!” She watched as Cory let her parents go, and come toward her. An evil smile passed across her face. Cory grabbed her arm, her nails piercing Evan’s skin. Cory’s grip tightned around her arm. Evan started to sweat. She knew that her death was near.
“Say goodbye Evan!” Cory sneered.
Cory pushed Evan. All Evan heard was Cory’s wicked laugh as she was plunged into darkness.
Evan sat bolt upright. Her face was wet with sweat mixed with tears.

((I think that sentence sounds a little stiff...why not try something along these lines: 'Her face was wet with a mixture of sweat and tears'))

Okay, it was just a dream. Just… a… dream. Pull yourself together Evan. Come on. And before she knew it Evan was asleep.

((I think you should make Evan's thoughts in italics ))

Evan woke up with the sound of a soft knock at her door. She rolled over to see what time it was. 10:00 am! She sat bolt upright almost hitting her mom in the face with her forehead.

((I think it would sound better if you put a comma after 'upright'))

“Whoa, sweetheart settle down a bit!”
“But mom I’m really late for school!”
“No you’re not honey, school was cancelled because of all the snow we got last night.”
“Sweet!” Evan yelled and raced over to her window pulled up her blinds and gazed upon the freshly fallen snow twinkling in the sun like diamonds.

((I think you should put a comma after 'window'))

The trees and the landscape were a beautiful sight coming from the view she had.
“ It’s beautiful isn’t it?”
“Ya.” They stood there for a couple of minutes more. Evan then made her bed and went downstairs for breakfast. After breakfast she got on her snow pants, coat, mitts, hat and boots. She then headed out to play with her friends and shovel out the driveway

OVERALL:
Okay. I really don't want to sound mean, but that wasn't anything special. I found it rather bland and I had to force myself to keep reading.
To improve, I think you should try to capture Evan's fear in more than her words. You used ALOT of dialogue and that's fine, it's just that the piece lacked emotion. I felt nothing for Evan. Why should I care about this random girl?
Also, setting. The only imagery was when you were talking about the view from Evan's window. I think you should go into more detail, like maybe describing how the black hole looked? And her parents? How was Cory torturing them? You never even told us what Cory or Evan's parents looked like.
I also think you rushed it a bit. I mean, so she just woke up from a horrific dream and then she chats with her mom and shovels the driveway? Put yourself in her shoes; how would you feel if that had happened to you?

Please don't take my comments to harshly. I mean only the best and I really think you could make this piece alot better and more interesting.
Happy editing,
.:Ayra:.