Abducted

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Abducted
By Angel of Death

Prologue:
Breaking Free

Lena's heart pounded fast as she wandered into the dark alley. Even the thought of being hidden didn't calm her. Her eyes now adjusted to the darkness began to scan everything carefully. If it was easy for her to see, then it would be easy for someone else to see her too. The thought of being shot down like an animal scared her, and the slightest noise made her feel like a target.
" Find a way in!" a voice inside of her head commanded angrily
" I'm trying but I.....can't see." Lena whispered defensively
Lena began to feel around, hoping she'd find something.......anything. Suddenly a light flickered on, and a yellow light shone down on her. Footsteps came closer and closer leaving her no time to hide. She breathed heavily as if all the oxygen was being sucked away. Even with the light on, she felt without it, anyone could sense her fear. Her eyes scanned the alley quickly hoping that she'd find some way to escape........
Without thinking she ran down the alley feeling more like a criminal. She didn't do anything wrong, but yet she was in a race for her life. Just weeks before she was a homeless woman, hidden in the city...camouflaged.
" You really are worthless!" the voice shouted
" No I'm not......you chose me for this! I didn't want any of this!" Lena snapped crying
Lena sank down onto the cold concrete floor and held her head in her hands. She hated who she was and who she would soon come to be. Her face was on posters and in newspapers. So long had she wanted people to notice her, but now more than ever she wanted to be no one.
Suddenly Lena heard the sound of footsteps, she stopped crying and looked up only to find five men standing in front of her, armed. A rush of fear and anger washed over her. She was tired of playing this cat and mouse game with whoever wanted her. Lena looked up with watery eyes and held out her hands. She was done.
" Please set me free." Lena said softly, pushing her head up to the gun
" No.....I'm not going to let you get away that easily." a man said kneeling down beside her
" Don't you understand I want to go willingly. Please before she takes over." Lena said crying
The man pulled her up roughly, and placed her in hand cuffs. He looked into her eyes, almost as if to show sympathy. Lena shuddered because she didn't want to do the things the voice inside of her made her do, anymore.

Chapter 1
The truth

Lena sat cuffed to the metal chair, calmly, blood bubbling beneath her skin. The walls were gray, and the floors were concrete. She was in an interrogation room, but she wouldn't be able to leave until she told the truth.
Suddenly a door opened and two men walked in. One was tall, with short blond hair, and the other was the guy who placed her in hand cuffs earlier.

"Carlotta, I'm Detective Leon Sherwood. Now we don't want to hurt you in any way so please don't thi..." the tall blond-haired man started softly.

"Please shoot me!!" Lena screamed angrily

"Carlotta, we know you're in a terrible state of mind right now but you brought this on yourself. If you cooperate we might be able to lighten your sentence." Detective Sherwood replied firmly.

"Please, I didn't have anything to do with this...I only work for Carlotta. I'm Lena her sister." Lena said crying heavily.

"Carlotta, we can get you some help if you just cooperate with us." Detective Sherwood repeated softly.

Lena felt the blood boiling under her skin. She let out a terrifying scream as she tried to get out of the cuffs that confined her to the chair. Detective Sherwood slowly looked over towards the other guy, who was staring at Lena with great interest. Lena soon met the man's gaze.

At first she started to calm down. Something about the look in his eyes made her want to quit, to give in. But she knew that Carlotta wouldn't let her give in at all.

"My name is William Trenton. I used to work with you. We were friends. Best friends since grade school. Now tell us Carly, what are you planning to do?" the guy said, still gazing into Lena's eyes.

"I was homeless...before Carlotta found me. I don't know you. I don't know what she's trying to do." Lena replied, gulping.

Detective Sherwood sighed and got up from his chair. William soon followed Detective Sherwood's example, and then they both left the room. Leaving Lena to wonder what was going to happen to her if she didn't get away.

"Good act you put on." Carlotta said, sounding as she was smirking.

"It wasn't an act. I really don't know anything. Please just tell me what's going on. I don't want to lie to them. I'm telling them the truth, but they still don't believe me." Lena cried.

"If you just shut up and listen, then you'll be able to listen to what the hell they are talking about!" Carlotta snapped.

Lena closed her eyes, and remained eerily quiet. Her body stiffened. She could smell the cologne of the men more easily now. Her nostrils flared, as she took in the smell. It was a sweet smell, but yet it was strong as cologne should be. Both the men's-she noticed- hearts sounded differently.

Detective Sherwood's heart sounded as if he was frustrated, but yet afraid for whatever reason. On the other hand, Lena observed that William's heart was calm and still. His heart didn't beat. She opened her eyes in shock from her discovery.

"What?" Carlotta asked impatiently.

"It's nothing...I didn't know that he was..." Lena started softly.

"Yeah he's one of us but he can not be trusted. Now listen in on their conversation before it's too late." Carlotta commanded, growing more impatient.

Lena closed her eyes once more, and concentrated on the words that the men exchanged.

"William are you sure you can go in there with her...alone?" Detective Sherwood asked concernedly.

"Yeah...sure Luis. I mean you wouldn't want to be in their with two monsters. You might get hurt. Besides she won't hurt me, we had a very...detailed past
if you know what I mean." William replied playfully.

"If you get thirsty just get out of there. She'll convince you into going back into your old ways. We don't need that Detective Trenton." Detective Sherwood warned firmly.

William nodded slowly, with a crooked smile on his face. Detective Sherwood walked away, and disappeared. William removed his gray suit jacket and unbuttoned two small buttons in his shirt revealing the smooth, nicely toned, chest. He placed his hand on the handle, and sighed "Show time." he whispered to himself as he walked back into the interrogation room.

"What a damn good show you put on back there Carlotta." William said smiling.

"My name is Lena, Mr. Trenton. And I'm not putting on any show." Lena replied firmly.

"Oh well then humor me. Are you thirsty? Because I sure am. I mean, I had fresh blood right here in front of me and I could have...but I didn't want to feast in front you." William said softly.

"I don't get where you're going with this." Lena said truthfully.

Lena watched as William's face turned stone white. His eyes changed to a coal black color, sending chills up her spine as he stared at her. He quickly got up and picked up the table, and threw it across the room.

Before she could scream, his face was right next to hers. She cold feel the coldness of his cheek on hers. His breath caressed her face. She was scared she had to admit.

"Remember those days we spent together. Under the sun, at your father's lake house. We loved each other back then. We promised to be together forever. We promised to never hide anything from each other." William said calmly, but Lena could still see the anger in his eye.

"I don't remember those days Mr. Trenton. Now please get away from me!" Lena yelled angrily.

"What are you trying to do Carlotta? I want you to be with me forever but you're making it so hard!! You know what you did to that girl. So I don't know why you pretend you are her. This is a sick joke Carly." William said angrily.

"You don't even know the half of it, Billy boy!!" Carlotta shouted, suddenly amused.

"Carlotta?" William asked, kneeling beside Lena.

"No my name is Lena you idiot!!" Carlotta replied maniacally.

"Please kill me. All it takes is a sterling silver bullet through the heart. Set me free. She's only going to do more things if you let her stay like this." Lena pleaded, tears falling from her eyes.

"Who are you?" William asked Lena, curiously.

"Lena Peters. The homeless girl who was abducted." Lena replied.
Last edited by Angel of Death on Thu Feb 14, 2008 1:15 am, edited 8 times in total.




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The main problem with this is that it's so rushed. This happened, then this happened. It looks more like a treatment for a sreenplay than an actual narrative. Flesh it out a bit; go into detail, and, as always, SHOW more than you TELL.

I share this woman's confusion, and you do a good job of creating an interesting mystery. But why, really, should I care? What about this woman makes me care about her? Why should I want to know what happens to her after this, or why it all happened? You've got to develop your characters. If they're flat, as everyone in this narrative is, your reader's going to get very bored very quickly. Keep that in mind.

-Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."




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I agree with Cade... It is really rushed. Maybe a bit forced, also. Just take some time to add more to it. Show us what's going on instead of telling us. It makes better writing to do so.

My old creative writing teacher once told our class, "Telling makes a story or idea. Showing creates a smorgasbord of wonderment and mystery with a simple stroke of the pen."

Otherwise, it's a great idea. Just slow down and take your time. You don't have a deadline to worry about, so you can take decades to add and make it a better story.

Develop your characters as though they were real. When creating dialog, imagine how real people speak and act. When creating a character, imagine them in your mind. They may even look like a friend or family member! That's usually how it works for me. Just describe them best you can, remembering to SHOW us their blue and yellow shirt with the barbecue stain rather than TELLING us about it. I think the whole 'show don't tell' aspect is extremely difficult for some writers, but once you get the hang of it, your stories and poems and work over all will be very much enhanced.

Happy Writing!

CrewGurl
Goth-Hippie?!



It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien