You've Got Back Bone, But Don't Use That Tone

Don't give any lip, don't be a smart aleck.
The shouts get louder, veins bulging in his neck.
Hold your head up high,
Swallow hard, and look him in the eye.
The father's boy is no longer a boy in age,
Time starts where drama boils and so does the rage.

Time's up, childhood ends where adulthood begins,
The father sends his son up the hill.
All the son has is a few memories & a few folded bills,
and he is sent on his way in silence with no words to say.
Through rain, sleet, and snow, he has no place to go.
No roof to hide under, only room for blunder after blunder.

All he has is a few belongings, & a false sense of longing.
A blue canvas backpack, a few photographs, & a cracked mirror
to see the distorted reflection of a boy becoming a man
ever so quickly, a rushing whirlwind of time, feeling so sickly.
Walk the wavy bends of grey, wait for a car to come along the way.
He outstretches his arm, raises his thumb, can't feel his face, his nose is numb.

The silver buggy slows and stops ahead of him, he breaks into a run.
As he reaches for the door, the car jerks forward and leaves him, as does the sun.

It's an unusual piece, I don't normally see poems with lines so long.

Don't give any lip, don't be a smart aleck.

In this opening line I don't think smart aleck works, it seems coarser than the other words you use and sticks out a bit.

The father's boy is no longer a boy in age,
Time starts where drama boils and so does the rage.

Interesting word choice, had to read over it a few times to make sure what I was reading was right - definitely not a bad thing, making me think

The father sends his son up the hill.

Because all the other lines are so long this one really breaks up the rhythm, I'd consider lengthening it somehow so that it fits in with the flow.

I think that you should add comma's in around the place (I can't think of anywhere in particular) because reading through the sentences now leaves me gasping for breath, metaphorically of course.

Through rain, sleet, and snow, he has no place to go.

Internal rhyme is good here, adds something extra and adds cohesion.

No roof to hide under, only room for blunder after blunder.

Blunder after blunder, doesn't sound quite right to me. It's personal preference here I think, so it may just be me. The repetition of blunder when you've used such a diverse choice of words earlier doesn't seem quite right.

All he has is a few belongings, & a false sense of longing.

Internal rhyme once again works well. (very clever )

Ever so quickly, a rushing whirlwind of time, feeling so sickly.

Another nice rhyme.

Walk the wavy bends of grey, wait for a car to come along the way.

At the risk of sounding repetitive, another nice rhyme.


Overall a very nicely written poem, I think that after reading this I may attempt to write something using longer lines.

The message of the poem was nicely illustrated as well (not sure as to what the ending signifies) but was well incorporated into the poem, well I suppose I should probably say that the techniques were well incorporated into the meaning.

I will look forward to your next piece.

"It's an unusual piece, I don't normally see poems with lines so long."
Well, I've always written lines like this, and thought them to be normal, this is probably because I write small when using pen and paper.

"In this opening line I don't think smart aleck works, it seems coarser than the other words you use and sticks out a bit."
When a father is yelling at his son, it's not smooth, it's coarse.

"The father's boy is no longer a boy in age,
Time starts where drama boils and so does the rage."
I'm glad I made you think with these two lines.

"The father sends his son up the hill."
With this being obviously shorter than the other lines, I did this to break up the rhythm on purpose, sort of an abrupt decision, an abrupt line, the son is gone - the father sends him away.

Thanks for your critique, Mad, hope this clears up most things you asked.

Really enjoyed this poem....nice length in the sentences leaves perfect room for internal rhymes which you have 2 or 3 of and also adds drama to the line "the father sends his son up the hill" as said in another review it definatly disturbs the flow but i think thats important for the feeling of being cast out.

Also the last line....

"The silver buggy slows and stops ahead of him, he breaks into a run.
As he reaches for the door, the car jerks forward and leaves him, as does the sun."

The car jerks fowards and leaves him, as does the sun is a very nice picture of how his rejection reaches a climax and the world itself turns against him metaphorically.i think we have all felt that way before and i esspecially liked the way you didnt breeze over the rejection of the car driving off to rush into that sunl leaving him, you left a good amount of time and the comma provides perfect timing for a kick to the character while he is down.

really picture filled read i look forward to any others

Thanks Cloud_Stepping, you couldn't of understood the message & feeling any better which I was trying to express through this poem.

It's got a great message. I don't think you should try so hard to rhyme...It would sound just as good if not better if the rhyming didn't feel forced. That's just my opinion though. I can see you're protective of your poetry, and I understand. Critiques on my stories I will accept, but my poems are products of passion and pain and nobody touches them.

Well done, looking forward to more.
~Sunny