Chapter One: The Great Blessed Nightmare

I've always looked at my life as a great blessed nightmare. I look back on it and wonder whether or not I'm glad it was.
I suppose we could go back to when I was eight and got kicked out by my vampire father after my witch mom died, or even after I left the orphanage, when I turned fourteen. But all of that doesn't really interest me.
For starters, I should probably tell you my name, although it is also uninteresting. I am Lindsay Bellmoore, and this is my story. I was born in a town called Kimbershire, though that's likely to be viewed as irrelevant. I walked the streets at age fourteen, going to school, working, and living in a small apartment I payed for myself. Life would have been alright, but I was often chased by the creatures men call "werewolves". I was often forced to use my magic at a young age, only assisted by the wand my mother left me. But enough of all this whining.
One day, believe it or not, I was in the Kimbershire Public Library when I found a book. But this was a special book. "The Book Of Vampiric Knowledge: Everything You need To Know," I read aloud after removing the mountains of dust from the cover.
I went home and read vigorously, choking on bits of unbelievable information. The book said some amazing things like "Vampires shimmer in sunlight." That was a flat out lie. If you're full breed, you burn and if you're half breed you get sunburnt really easy. And worse "Vampires don't have fangs." We have fangs, they just don't protrude our mouths like walrus tusks! how much beauty can a creature sustain if they have huge tooth-like things jabbing out from their upper jaw?
The next year I was chocked full of information(I was able to sort out truths from lies) and I was ready to look for "The Caverns Of The Half-Bloods". Apparently this was a place where mix breeds could go if they were chased.
One night I set out as usual, for my evening search for the caverns. I looked out from the top of the tallest building in town, and saw only dark. I sat on the edge of the roof, letting my legs dangle. I saw a shadow in the light behind me, turned, and was pushed off by big, hairy arms.[like the cliffhanger? *taunts*]

i'm guessing that this is a prologue because of the length, but it seems that you have rushed this a little bit there seems to be a lot of thought in a small bit of writing. You should make it longer describing everything in full detail but it seems to be a good start keep it up!

It's pretty good, if rushed, for a prologue.

Leave a line between each paragraph.

If you're full breed, you burn and if you're half breed you get sunburnt really easy.

Don't put smileys like this in.

I saw a shadow in the light behind me, turned, and was pushed off by big, hairy arms.[like the cliffhanger? *taunts*]

Don't put stuff like this in, either.

The next year I was chocked full of information(I was able to sort out truths from lies) and I was ready to look for "The Caverns Of The Half-Bloods".

Time break?

And you need to review at least two other pieces before you put any of your stuff up.

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Slow the telling down, and add more detail and dialogue.

Welcome to YWS and enjoy the site!!

Hey Polgara (David Eddings fan?) and welcome to the site. To begin with, as Twit has already mentioned, the general rule is to review two pieces of work for every one that you post. That way, you help others improve and they may even return the favour in critiquing your own work. Anyway:

I've always looked at my life as a great, blessed nightmare.

This would be the perfect opening line if you added the comma in. Nice imagery, nice line to hook the reader in! Unfortunately, things go downhill from there.

I look back on it now and …

Adding the ‘now’ in will make it flow properly.

I suppose we could go back to when I was eight, and got kicked out by my vampire father after my which mom died, or even after I left the orphanage, when I turned fourteen.

Commas help the reader know when to pause and how to read it. Without the comma I added, it’s actually very hard to read. Also, you mean ‘which’, not ‘witch’.

But all of that doesn't really interest me.

Well duh! It’s you telling the story, you’ve been there! Why would it interest you? And, why bother telling the reader?

For starters, I should probably tell you my name[s], although it is also uninteresting[/s].

Reader isn’t interested in uninteresting stuff. Obviously…

I am Lindsay Bellmoore[s], and this is my story[/s].

Ewww. Can you get any more cliché? Scrap it.

I was born in a town called Kimbershire[s] , though that's likely to be viewed as irrelevant[/s].

Please stop saying that!

I payed for myself

Hmm. I’m pretty sure you ‘paid’ for it.

Life would have been alright, but I was often chased by the creatures men call "werewolves". I was often forced to use my magic at a young age, only assisted by the wand my mother left me.

Info dump! Basically, you dumped a load of information on the reader. This will make them panic! That isn’t particularly good. Try to draw it out, make it interesting and show us that she is often chased, don’t just tell us.

I went home and read vigorously, choking on bits of unbelievable information.

And once again, a lovely bit of writing shines through! I liked this a lot!

… and I was ready to look for "The Caverns Of The Half-Bloods".

Eeep. You’re telling the reader, not showing them. Why not have the prologue centred around the moment she finds out about this? You can have her choking on information and give it a good atmosphere then, rather than just telling us.

I saw a shadow in the light behind me, turned, and was pushed off by big, hairy arms.

The last sentence is the most important. You meant well, but didn’t pull it off quite to the level you could have. Lets have a look at what we could change:

A shadow behind me caught my eye. It was close. Very close. I swung round, but I was too late. A pair of hairy arms hammered into me and I toppled into the darkness below.

Ok, so that’s my version. I used short sentences to make impact on the reader which makes it more exciting. I used powerful verbs like ‘swung’, ‘hammered’ and ‘toppled’ which fit what you were trying to say and I left it at a cliff-hanger. Try something like that of your own and see if you can craft yourself a decent finishing sentence.


An overview? Your main issue is telling and not showing. That’s a common mistake and can easily be solved by proof reading your prose before you post it.
Also, you’re info-dumping a lot. Give your reader time to get to know things. You obviously have a good idea of the creatures that you have in your world, so give the reader the information gently rather than pouring it down their throats all at once.
Finally, what makes your story different? It’s a question every writer must ask themselves. Looking at this, I see only the clichéd vampire story. Surely it’s something more than that?

If you have any questions/querys/bananas you’d like to give me, then feel free to PM me or email me. Happy editing !

Charlie