Dark Sun

CHAPTER 2

I stopped right in front of the Herb Hall as I heard my name.
“Dani! Wait for me!” I turned to see Mandy running towards me, holding her glowing jar in front of her. I let out an annoyed groan.
“Mandy! What are you doing here?” I asked, very annoyed.
“Mommy said I could come,” she said quietly. I looked at her doubtfully.
“I say you are not. I can’t have you hanging around while I try to find dinner,” I said firmly. Mandy’s lower lip puckered out as she looked down.
“Please,” she whined. I sighed, defeated.
“Fine,” I said as she jumped up and down, clapping her hands.
“ But, you actually have to be helpful,” I sighed, hoping I would not regret my choice. She nodded eagerly.
“Stay close,” I warned as we entered the Herb Hall.

“Mandy! Where are you?” I shouted into the dark. I looked around frantically when I realized she was gone. She suddenly disappeared while I was examining a plant, making sure it was edible before pulling it out.
That thoughtless girl! Where is she? I thought as I walked deeper down the hall.
“Mandy!” I yelled.
No answer
“Mandy! You’re in big trouble!” I yelled even louder.
Still no answer.
I walked for a while more before I heard a faint cry.
“Dani!” I walked faster.
“Dani!” called the voice, louder.
“Dani…” the voice trailed away. I started running.
“Mandy are you ok!” I shouted.
The quietness remained.

I almost ran into Mandy’s still figure.
“What are you doing all the way over here!” I exclaimed. Mandy remained quiet and unmoving. She was staring at something at the wall with a blank expression.
“What are you looking at?” I asked, raising my oil lamp to the wall.
“Bogweed,” Mandy answered her voice flat. I gasped. Mother had talked about this rare plant. Anyone who catches its scent will tell nothing but he truth for a while. I smiled. Mandy had the scent.
“How did you get all the way over here?” I asked.
“I sneaked past you,” she answered.
“Why?” I asked after a while of thinking.
“I wanted to make you proud of me by finding something different.”
“Did Mom really tell you, you could come?”
“No,”
“You are in big trouble,” I said with a sigh.
“No I’m not!” wailed Mandy, back to her own self. I pulled out the Bogweed, as I breathed through my mouth instead of my nose.
“That’s mine!” she said stubbornly as she reached for it. I handed it to her as her eyes went blank.

Hello, Paw! I told you I'd read more so here I am. I noticed a few mistakes I'll point them out in bold once again:

Pawprint wrote:CHAPTER 2

I stopped right in front of the Herb Hall as I heard my name.
“Dani! Wait for me!” I turned to see Mandy running towards me, holding her glowing jar before her. I let out an annoyed groan.
“Mandy! What are you doing here?” I asked, very annoyed.
“Mommy said I could come,” she said quietly. I looked at her doubtfully.
“I say you are not. I can’t have you hanging around while I try to find dinner,” I said firmly. Mandy’s lower lip puckered out as she looked down.
“Please,” she whined. I sighed, defeated.
“Fine,” I said as she jumped up and down, clapping her hands.
“ But, you actually have to be helpful,” I sighed, hoping I would not regret my choice. She nodded eagerly.
“Stay close,” I warned as we entered the Herb Hall.

“Mandy! Where are you?” I shouted into the dark. I looked around frantically when I realized she was gone. She had suddenly disappeared while I was examining a plant, making sure it was edible before pulling it out.
That thoughtless girl! Where is she? I thought as I walked deeper down the hall.
“Mandy!” I yelled.
No answer
“Mandy! You’re in big trouble!” I yelled even louder.
Still no answer.
I walked for a while more before I heard a faint cry.
“Dani!” I walked faster.
“Dani!” called the voice, louder.
“Dani…” the voice trailed away. I started running.
“Mandy are you ok!” I shouted.
Silence.

I almost ran into Mandy’s still figure.
“What are you doing all the way over here!” I exclaimed. Mandy remained quiet and unmoving. She was staring at something at the wall with a blank expression.
“What are you looking at?” I asked, raising my oil lamp to the wall.
“Bogweed,” Mandy answered her voice flat. I gasped. Mother had talked about this rare plant. Anyone who catches its scent will tell nothing but he truth for a while. I smiled. Mandy had the scent.
“How did you get all the way over here?” I asked.
“I sneaked past you,” she answered.
“Why?” I asked after a moment of thinking.
“I wanted to make you proud of me by finding something different.”
“Did Mom really tell you, you could come?”
“No,”
“You are in big trouble,” I said with a sigh.
“No I’m not!” wailed Mandy, back to her own self. I pulled out the Bogweed breathing through my mouth instead of my nose.
“That’s mine!” she said stubbornly as she reached for it. I handed it to her as her eyes went blank.

Okay, the reason why I bolded the sighs is because it's my pet peeve. I think writers use 'sigh' too lightly in their pieces and too sporadically. Try using 'sigh' a bit less often and when you do say your dialogue aloud along with the sigh to make sure it sounds natural. I also changed some of your wording around just a bit to make it a bit less choppy. I changed to the one-worded "silence" because it has a bigger impact on the reader...Also, what happened to the description you had in your last piece? I want it back! This piece is a bit bland compared to the other one - there's enough dialogue it just lacks description and the character's feelings so the reader can better relate to them. Overall, it's a good piece just a bit rough and in need of a bit of revising. However, I liked the end! What's up with the whole "her eyes went blank" it made me want to read the next chapter most definitely.

Keep writing!
Polka