Kyouzou

There is a girl sitting across from me in the hotel lobby. She is wearing a long white dress with a white flower in her auburn hair. The dress clings to her slender body then billows out around her hips to her feet. A delicate pearl bracelet is around her wrist. She doesn’t look like she belongs to this time. She sits with a certain poise and elegance that belongs to a much more decadent era.

What is she waiting for? Maybe it’s a date, a ride, a friend? Is she only here to get noticed? Is she famous? Maybe A model or pop star perhaps. But if she were she wouldn’t be here alone.

She lifts her dark brown eyes from her skirt and looks at me. They are as big as a baby deer’s and just as expressive. She softly smiles at me and I give her a small wave back. I can tell she wants to say something, so why doesn’t she?

I have a weird sense of déjà vu when I look at this girl. I have seen her before, but where? I replay countless pictures and scenes in my head but I cannot place her face. I look at her again and she gives me the same sweet smile. I know that smile. I know those eyes.

More people pass in from my memories as I try to place this girl. My mind keeps pulling me back to my 10th Christmas. My mother is showing me a picture of my grandparents. They are dressed nicely, my grandfather in a suit and blue tie and my grandmother in a white strapless dress with a white lily in her hair. They had just been married. The wedding had taken place in the same hotel where I now sat wondering about this young woman.

Before I can fully comprehend what has just happened I realize that she is gone. The woman with the doe eyes and charming smile had not been real. She was just a lingering after image of a simpler time when love could truly last forever and people could be together for eternity.

Nice idea here! Really, a truly intriguing concept.

I have a few suggestions:

Add description
What it this lobby like? Is it fancy, with a crystal chandelier or dumpy with the wallpaper peeling and the floor-tiles chipped? This will help give the piece a less dry, more realistic feel.

Add metaphors and similes
This is only my opinion, my method, but I recommend adding metaphors and similes to make the story fuller and more colorful. Remember when doing this to use them to your advantage, for instance: if you are trying to describe the sound of a motor say "like the purr of a contented cat" if you are trying to describe it in a positive light and "like the growl of an angry dog" if you are trying to describe it in a negative light.


Line by line

There is a girl sitting across from me in the hotel lobby.

This being the first sentence, I (as a reader) want to be sucked in. For some reason, I think it would go better as "A girl sits across from me in the hotel lobby."

What is she waiting for? Maybe it’s a date, a ride, a friend?

Waiting? She's waiting? Maybe say in the end of the first paragraph (or in a new paragraph in between the first and the second) that she appears to be awaiting something?

Maybe A model or pop star perhaps.

1) that should be a lower-case "a" before "model"
2) I suggest that you delete either "Maybe" or "perhaps"

My mother is showing me a picture of my grandparents. They are dressed nicely, my grandfather in a suit and blue tie and my grandmother in a white strapless dress with a white lily in her hair. They had just been married. The wedding had taken place in the same hotel where I now sat wondering about this young woman.

Just for clarification's sake, I recommend you put this section in past tense.
And for the second sentence: "nicely" is a very weak word. Try to find something stronger (look at my signature:wink:) like maybe "smartly" or something else more descriptive...

Before I can fully comprehend what has just happened I realize that she is gone. The woman with the doe eyes and charming smile had not been real.

First sentence: put a comma after "happened"
Second sentence: The WOMAN? In the beginning you called her a girl... either way is fine, just make it consistent.

So as I stated before, very nice over all. I just recommend you work on it a bit more so that it will really shine!

Please feel free to PM me with questions/comments!!!

~Azila

P.S. please remember that this is only my opinion and you needn't heed it. Please only make the changes that make sense to you.

I think this is really sweet, but at the same time, it could use a lot of work.

I'm going to start with the title. I say this to everyone, but try to avoid fangirl Japanese unless it's absolutely necessary. A rule of thumb is if it doesn't add to the story, it takes away from it. In this case, the Japanese title doesn't add to the story. I think it would be much better if you picked a theme or phrase from the actual story and used that as the title.

You could really stand to add some strong description. Especially in a scene that takes place in such a short period of time, you have a lot of room to explore and expand on every little detail, from her dress to the wallpaper to the color of her hair, or what the narrator is doing in the hotel lobby. Do they work there, or are they also waiting for something? Remember to show, not tell.

Interesting flash fiction! It's rather eloquent and pretty. I can see you have talent! By the way, hi! I don't think I've seen you around YWS before. I'm Razorblade.

Anyway, the fatal flaw in this piece is the fact that there's not much action, and the ending just kind of peters out. I'm sure you could come up with an ending that packs a much, much bigger wallop than the one you have now. Don't tell us how it ends; show us. Not to mention it kind of becomes obvious that she's a ghost. Leave some up to guesswork! Makes everything in the world more interesting. And it'll improve this piece a lot better.

Notice I'm not being too finicky on the action; that's because while in general it's a bad thing to be stingy on the action, it works for this piece. So I wouldn't worry too much, but maybe you could put some more action into the ending? And so we come full circle.

In essence, this piece is good! It made me feel fuzzy inside and put a good image in my head. Your description is impressive.

PM me with any questions!
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate