Suicide announced as "Died Alone"

a sidestreet memorial in shambles;
i, standing on the corner of these two
suburban lanes, half dumbstruck that
i left my heart throbbing on my kitchen table,
half horrified that my watery grief is still
underneath my fingernails.

you were always haunted with the verse-less
ballads that fogged our streets:
miseries as apparent as the cigarette burning
a hole in your tormented temples,
tucked in between unwashed hair and
the color of a downcast face.

clairvoyance did not aid my prediction that
your lifeline was stubbed by an ugly truth,
a physical deformity covered with
malignant growths, cancerous outcasts and insults.

still abandoned on your sackcloth lawn,
i came to ask your mother to let me fix your hair,
but i'm just here to enjoy the taste
of the last stale air in town.



to kiera. rip

Gummy, you know I love you. But you have too many typos here for me to love this piece. And I don't care if it's supposed to be artistic, because there are simply too many of them to be artistic.

a sidestreet memorial in shambles,
and i stand on the corner of these two
surburian [suburban] lanes, half dumbstruck that
i left my heart throbbing on my kitchen table,
half horrified that my watery grief is still
underneath my fingernails.

you were always haunted with the verse-less
ballads that fogged our streets:
miseries as apparant [apparent] as the citgarette [cigarette] burning
a hole in your tomented [tormented] temples,
tucked in between unwashed hair and
the color of a downcast face.

clairvoyancy did not aid my prediction that
you're [your] life was stubbed by an ugly truth you were born with,
a physical deformity covered with
malignnent [malignant] growths, cancerous outcasts and insults.

still abandoned on your sackcloth lawn,
i came to ask your mother to let me fix your hair in your casket,
but i'm just here to enjoy the taste
of the last stale air in town.

So yeah. Fix that. Or else...

clairvoyancy did not aid my prediction that
you're life was stubbed by an ugly truth you were born with,
a physical deformity covered with

I actually do like the typo a little, but I think, if you want to make it like that, you have to change it such as:

clairvoyancy did not aid my prediction that
you're life -- stubbed by an ugly truth you were born with,
a physical deformity covered with ...

So yeah. Maybe you can play with that.

For the beginning, I didn't like "and i stand on the corner..." because the use of "and" was weird. I can see why you used it, but it still made me cringe.

"let me fix your hair in your casket" sounds too long -- I would get rid of "in your casket."

Also, "ugly truth you were born with" sounds too long-winded... I would shorten that up.

So yeah. That's just a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind. Hopefully, better critiquers will bug you about this. I really love the idea because it reminds me of several people in my city, but the poem is a bit heavy-handed when I think it would be better to be as light as possible.

Oh, I'm really sorry, Snoink. I thought I fixed all of those. I actually noticed them, too. I must have copied the wrong version. Thanks!

Ahh, this is much better!

I liked the title, but it seemed needlessly depressing to me.

Splendid. I love your poetry. It's so deep, but it's so...well, it's so professional! The words, the images, the themes, your simple portrayel and handling of words is just utterly amazing. Beautiful.

Now for the review.

Again, this was rather confusing. So he/she killed her/himself on an alleyway, and the main character sorta had a vision of this happening before, and they are very sad and panicked and actually filled with guilt. Right? Because this is what I got from this.

The only specific part where this was very confusing was the last stanza. What did he ask the mother to do? I don't understand what is happening there at all.

Otherwise, great job!

I'm sorry if this came across as unclear - it was a dedication to my close friend, Kiera, who did take her life by suicide just a week ago. She lived down the street, and a lot of the images I hold dear to myself. But I'm glad the lyrical feelings of guilt and mourning were understood.