thank you

hey you pretty
little blonde
with transparent makeup
broken eyeliner, broken
eyes that say maybe
you’ve seen it all
maybe it really isn’t all
it’s cracked up to be

this is for you
though i know you’ll never know
you’ll go through your life
and i’ll go through mine
and we won’t meet

we were looking for an exit

we got lost together
we joked, we laughed
it was so cold, the doors were locked
and we took the longest route possible
your smile glimmered like the sun
i put my hands in my pockets

when at last we parted
ten minutes later
i waved my hand
you waved yours
thanks for the memory
thanks for being fucking real
sorry i never got your name
maybe i should have,
should i have, i don't
know was there a
connection?
wishful thinking, i guess
it was nice to meet you
it was, i’ll see you
i’ll never see you again
goodbye

Hmm. I liked it, but there were parts that bothered me. Namely, the entire first two stanzas.

IMHO, these are unnecessary exposition. You could dump them both without really injuring the poem too much, although you might want to incorporate the beginning of the first verse with the third one, just to give it a bit more flow. But really, the other verses just say it all, yknow? I personally think the poem really starts at "we were looking for an exit".

That being said, I do like the turn of phrase "eyes that say maybe/ you've seen it all/maybe it really isnt all/it's cracked up to be" -- you do this throughout the poem and it's very clever.

Overall, a nice piece without those first verses. You might want to work on smoothing out your line breaks a bit, as they're a wee bit choppy, but it's up to you

Cheers,
~bubbles

I acctually liked the first two stanza i think they help to set up the ending. Your wording seemed kind of shaky in places but i really dont see a need to change it because it adds a shaky reality to the poem.
I guess what i mean by that is the poems story line about how the two dont know each other but they seem to parellel each other is a shaky connection that in the end fails to be at all, so the wording works to bring that out. Make sense? Hopefully if not I'm sorry.
I liked it though thats not helpful but i did i thought it was a nice peice with an overall good theme. nice job

i really liked your post, i have nothing to add.

I liked the concpet of this, I thought it was hard hitting and something that made me sit and think about how I feel about it. But, the flow didn't work well the with imagery and I thought that it was definately strained and forced in some places.

Also, the structure bothered me; I don't know why.

I know this might not be much help, but I hope it helps in some way.