Brotherly Arms

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This is just the first segment (there's like twelve) of an unfinished short story. Right now, there's not much to 'R' it other than language, but it will get pretty violent and rapey later on. It's about brothers. Here you go. Please, please, please crit me! I promise I won't complain if you don't like it.

The stranger wasn’t a stranger at all. He had lived in Creeksview for years; it’s just that nobody remembered him. Hell, he didn’t remember. The only memories he had of the place were the ones involving her, and his brother, and old Two-Gun Howie all those years ago. Everything else was a blur. Nobody found it strange to see him walking the town, though. Creeksview was a small place, but a lot of wandering travelers seemed to pass through, especially after the war, when so many people had nowhere to go home to other than the cold road and the warm beds of kind enough hosts. To them, he was just another face they’d never get to see again.

So the stranger strolled around the town, and looked everyone in the eyes. And smiled his crooked smile, and croaked “Howdy,” to all the ladies, and his skin was toasted under the burning sun, and his clothes were old and his stand was weak. He was carrying guns. Two of them. Nobody seemed to mind. He had a quiet drink in the tavern, bought some fun with a whore, and then asked where Melinda Kenning was buried. At noon, he walked to the lonely grave and prayed. Some say he cried, which was unlikely. The stranger never cried. Others said he just laid some flowers in the ground for her, and then left. The sun was setting, right about then.
A day had passed. He needed a place to sleep.
He had a man to kill.

1859: The blood damped the ground around her head. She wasn’t moving anymore. Her blondish mane was painted red, and Foster snickered as he watched dozens of ants rushing towards her, smelling a banquet. One on top of another, the insects bathed in scarlet, trying to work their way past the blood, crushing each other to get to the body. Foster holstered his gun. He was distracted by the screaming:

“Wait!” Red Peckinpah yelled out, trotting behind his brother. “Jesus, Jonah, just wait a second, alright? Wait!”

“Go to hell, Red! Why’d you have to do that, huh?” Jonah rushed through the colorless plains. He didn’t know where he was going. In fact, there’s nowhere to go in the middle of the desert. He just wanted to get away. He felt his brother grab his elbow, trying to get him to stop moving, but Jonah shrugged his hand away, and screamed: “She didn’t do nothing!”

Foster kicked the body, just for the sake of it. Nothing happened. The bandit chuckled, and scratched his half grown beard. His freckles seemed to be drowning under the sweat oozing from his pale skin, and his reddish hair was greasy, and dark. “Well, she’s dead,” he called out. The desert around them was endless, and immaculate. The horses, waiting for them a few meters from the body were getting impatient, trying to huff away the flies that buzzed around their noses. The law was probably on their trail, already. They were wasting their time. “I said she’s definitely dead, so I reckon that’s that.”

Jonah stopped moving, and turned around. Red licked the side of his lips, trying to catch his breath. Nobody spoke for a few seconds. Jonah just stared at his brother, and then at the corpse, and then at Foster again. Infuriated, he started to walk towards the latter. Red blocked his path.

“What the hell did she do? Huh! What the hell did she do for you to shoot her like that, Dave? What in the fuck did she do?” Jonah was trying to tear his brother out of the way, an invisible cloud of saliva following his every word, fire in his eyes, his face red with anger and impotence.

Dave Foster sighed, taking some tobacco out of his pocket. Looking away from Jonah’s accusing eyes, he cut up a piece and placed it in his mouth. The bitter flavor pleased him. The two brothers were still going at it.

“Settle down, damn it!” Red took a hold of Jonah’s neck, and pushed his brother away. Jonah groaned and lunged towards him again. Red raised his elbow, and hit Jonah in the neck, taking his breath away. Without a word, he locked Jonah’s head between his arms. Jonah muffled a scream, trying to get out of his brother’s hold. He was sobbing now. “Come on, Jonah! He had to do it, alright? He had to do it.” Red was whispering now, trying to smooth him down a bit. Little by little, he eased his brother out of his lock. “They would’ve followed us, kid. Come on, now. He had to do it. You know that.”

“No! No, he didn’t have to…!” Jonah slipped his head out of his brother’s hold, and took a few steps backwards. He rubbed the tears out of his face with the sleeve of his dirty coat. “They wouldn’t have followed… We could’ve—”

“Yes, they would’ve. Come on. That girl there was the governor’s daughter. We took her with us, they would’ve chased our asses down to Mexico. You know that. Don’t you know that?”

Jonah sniffed and pointed at Foster, scornfully. Then he began, almost with a whisper: “But she didn’t have to die the way she did, Red. We could’ve let her go. We could’ve just left her here, but he didn’t have to shoot her!”

Red slapped him in the face, gently. “He only did what I told him to do, Jonah.”

“Yeah, but she didn’t do nothing, though. Did she? She didn’t do nothing for him to shoot her like that. I mean, she didn’t move, or nothing!”

Red shook his head, not knowing what to say. Behind him, Foster’s boots shackled as he walked towards the two of them:

“Well, I’m a mean cat.”

Red closed his eyes, cursing his lack of tact. “Shut the fuck up, Davie!” he shrieked, clenching his fists. Foster cleared his throat, embarrassed.

Jonah’s tears were turning black, washing away the dirt in muddied face. He sniffed again, and cleaned the brownish water out of his cheeks. He was shaking his head now, with his hands in his pockets, a bit more calmed. He cleared his throat, and without saying anything he started to walk towards Foster, his feet sliding across the rough sand. He seemed weary. He had always been a tall man, but now his back was curved, and his legs were thinner than ever. Like they couldn’t possibly hold the rest of his body. The old coat he was wearing was like a tail, sliding behind him everywhere he went, and the guns he was carrying seemed to heavy for him to even hold. Red Peckinpah stood in front of his brother, but Jonah just moved him out of the way, gently, and tapped his shoulder.

“Alright. I’m calmed. I won’t do anything to him,” he assured him, before turning his head towards the red-haired prick. “I guess you must feel like you’re a big man, right? The boss? Right? I mean, I reckon you feel like you’re some big-shot. Dave Foster, the meanest man alive. Am I right?”

“Red, will you tell your sister to calm himself down?”

“No, but I’m calmed. I mean, all I’m saying is that it’s a pretty mannish thing you did back there, shooting that girl the way you did. You must be real proud. I mean, you should be proud. Shouldn’t he be proud, Red?”

“Jonah, let’s just get the horses and leave.”

“You’re scum, Davie. You’re not even a fucking human being, alright? You’re… You’re the lowest of the low, David. You just don’t understand that. You thing this makes you a man? You think what you did back there makes you a man, some sort of hero?”

“Come on, Jonah. Will you stop?” Red pleaded, from afar.

“No— I’m just asking him. Does this sort of thing get his juice going, I mean, I reckon this thing has got to make you feel alive or something? Because you seem to enjoy killing the fuckers, don’t you?”

“Just get the hell out of my face, Jonah. I mean it.”

“You gonna shoot me, too? Hell, I’d be honored to be killed by you! The famous Dave Foster! Yeah— Killer of women and children!”

Foster didn’t flinch. Jonah moved his hand closer to his waist. They were looking each other straight in the eye.

“God damn it, Jonah! Let’s get on the horses, and leave!” Red yelled out, impatient. His brother didn’t move. Foster’s face was inches away from his. “Will you stop? Huh? Davie, let’s just go! What in the hell are you doing? You gonna shoot my brother? Step away, and let’s go.”

Foster chuckled and took a step backwards. Then another. Then he turned around, and walked away. Jonah had his hand on his gun. He felt the smooth leather of the holster, and then rough iron of the revolver. He thought about doing it. He thought about shooting Dave in the back, but couldn’t bring himself to take the weapon out. He tried to think about the young girl, her beautiful golden locks, and her pretty blue dress, stained now, her kind smile. Red walked past him.

This time, Jonah wouldn’t follow.
there are many problems in our times
but none of them are mine




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Hey, Icaruss!

I've got to say- I've a bit of a soft spot for Westerns. Cowboys and guns? Yes, please. It's also nice to read something that's really solid on style and storytelling. Kind of a relief, no? ^_^ In any case, I really liked this. The brothers conflict isn't exactly new but you managed to capture it extremely well, which I thought was grand.

Shall we get to the critique, then?

WORD OF THE DAY: BECAUSE

I was talking to my dear pal Claudette over IM today, about her NaNovel. It's about SS officers at Auschwitz, and so inevitably deals with some pretty intense characters.

She was talking about one guy and his hate and how evil he was. And in context, I understood, but there is one thing I think no writer should ever think of their character as, and that is evil.

Why? Evil- or its lesser counterparts troublemaker, cruel, heartless, bad boy, etc.- tend to evoke this feeling of "just 'cause". "Just 'cause" is bad. You want your story to be as tight and logical as possible, even if your characters are anything but.

This is one of the things I noticed about the guy- Foster- in this story, especially at the beginning. He's killing people, and soliciting prostitutes, and drinking, and being generally unpleasant. Why should we are about this guy? He's a schmuck!

I'm going to pick on Clau some more, as an example. You want to always have a reason for the things characters do and feel- and that reason should never be "Because he's just badass like that." No. Nyet. Nein. Wrong answer.

SS OFFICER ACTION: He kills a young Jewish child.

"BEFORE" REASONING: Because he is a Nazi and therefore evil and unfeeling.

Now that you've got what your people are doing down on paper and your initial reasoning why, it's time to chip away at things. This is difficult, and only gets easier if you know your characters and their motives.

Your word to love for today- BECAUSE. Use BECAUSE as much as possible; it's your friend.

FINAL CHARACTER REASONING: BECAUSE he is a Nazi and under supervision of his superiors. He is a Nazi BECAUSE of the military draft BECAUSE of the military's shortages BECAUSE the country is in a state of turmoil BECAUSE of Adolf Hitler's regime. He kills the child BECAUSE it is his job and BECAUSE he is told to, BECAUSE his superiors are afraid of the Jews BECAUSE of government propaganda BECAUSE of a national sense of rallying and upport Adolf Hitler wants to create.

Not exactly stylistic, right? It doesn't have to be. It just has to be one big giant list of reasons; the more, the better. When you have reasons, it's easier to write characters BECAUSE you know what makes them tick. People will like them better BECAUSE they can relate and know them as people.

And I will automatically love you BECAUSE you use the word BECAUSE.

...annoying, yet? XD

Another note: I mentioned earlier that there was no reason to like certain characters, and that's bad. It is bad.

People will always tell you to make your characters flawed- however, not so flawed that they are irredeemable and everyone hates them. You want every one of your characters to be likable and some way.

Why? If we automatically hate certain people, there is no moral dilemma or thought involved. Readers suddenly morph into junior high girls and pick at random characters to hate and shun because they're bored. Keep us interested, and please...let us keep our dignity?

Make flawed characters, but also give them, you know. A few good traits.

"I RECKON I'M PRETTY TOUGH": A RANT ON DIALOGUE

Soft as a spot there might be in my heart for Westerns, it's not exactly a genre known for its amazingly realistic dialogue. This is bad. This is a paradigm you must shatter.

And for the record: in 1859, the word 'fuck' wasn't in general use. I know. My current novel takes place in the 1860s and the urge is definitely there- there should be government-sanctioned programs for word addictions, no?

A few general clichès to avoid:

and croaked “Howdy,” to all the ladies
This actually made me laugh out loud. Bad. Very bad. You want me to think, "Ooh, sexy, suave, mysterious grizzled man!" not "Bad mockery of a redneck!". 'Tipped his hat' or something such would be less profound and easier to format, grammatically.

The law was probably on their trail, already.
"The law" = nicht. How does he know? Does he have past experience with the police? Elaborate! We'd love to hear it.

“Well, I’m a mean cat.”
Let me share with you a page from the script to Sam's Eternal Drama:

SAM: [is reading Icaruss' story. It is enjoyable, however, she comes across this line. In a shout] Thunder-cats! OHHHHHHH!

Things that make me quote rediculous things out lout whilst reading are clearly not good, especially in a scene where there are corpses and punching involved. Keep tone, okay?

____

Anyway, thanks for the read, Icaruss- especially the opportunity to mock choice pieces of dialogue. ^_~ You're geniunely concerned about your writing, from what I can tell on the board, which is awesome to see. Keep at it, okay?

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or post anything more. I'd be honored. ^_^
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin




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Thanks a lot. That's probably one of the most helpful crits I've ever gotten. But you got to keep in mind this is just the start of the storyline, so there'll be more character development. You'll find out why Foster doesn't care much about killing, and find out why the law is already on their trail. Plus, Foster isn't the main character. The brothers are. He's just probably the most interesting guy in the supporting cast.

Also: isn't Jonah a bit likeable at this point?

Anyways, thanks a lot for the tips. Specially for the dialogue things. Didn't know about the 'fuck' thing. I'll have to look a bit more into that. The "howdy" thing I understand, and I'll change that... but the mean cat thing... I like how it sounds. So I don't know about that.

Again: thanks a lot for even reading it.
there are many problems in our times
but none of them are mine




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 115
Thanks a lot. That's probably one of the most helpful crits I've ever gotten. But you got to keep in mind this is just the start of the storyline, so there'll be more character development. You'll find out why Foster doesn't care much about killing, and find out why the law is already on their trail. Plus, Foster isn't the main character. The brothers are. He's just probably the most interesting guy in the supporting cast.

Also: isn't Jonah a bit likeable at this point?

Anyways, thanks a lot for the tips. Specially for the dialogue things. Didn't know about the 'fuck' thing. I'll have to look a bit more into that. The "howdy" thing I understand, and I'll change that... but the mean cat thing... I like how it sounds. So I don't know about that.

Again: thanks a lot for even reading it.
there are many problems in our times
but none of them are mine



Turn your demons into art, your shadow into a friend, your fear into fuel, your failures into teachers, your weaknesses into reasons to keep fighting. Don’t waste your pain. Recycle your heart.
— Andréa Balt