Hands on Shoulders

[removed]

It's not too short; there's such a thing as flash fiction.

But even though I really loved the vivid imagery, I didn't really get a sense of the point you were trying to make. I'm not sure, maybe I'm not feeling deep at the moment. XD

But again, lovely imagery, and sorry I couldn't comment on some of the meaning.


MM

I think you could cut down the first paragraph a tad, actually: since this is so short, everything should count. It's a bit like poetry; there's no bulk of story to swallow up extra words or excuse them.

It was nothing; it was nothing. why the switch from past tense to present? I'm mad for nothing. No, not mad. Sad. Angry. Yes. Feeling five years old, wanting to throw something. [s]So badly.[/s] this reads like it was sort of stuck in there ... if you think you reall need this bit for emphasis, cut the "so"; it almost never, never works as an adjective. But I don't want my snow globe to bread; break I don't want to fix a hole in the wall. Breaking the vase would [s]just[/s] hurt my bamboo, and it's been growing so pretty [s]too[/s] the final part of this sentence is awkward. I think this is mainly the effect of "growing so pretty", which sounds like something a kid would say ... and though this person might be acting childish at the moment, they're clearly not a child. I can't throw a pillow. It doesn't make any sound. There's no satisfyingly powerful crack that comes from chucking a pillow at the wall. Can't slam the door: the wind will take away all the thunder.

I like the ending to the first paragraph and it leads in well to the second: which had excellent imagery.The occasional disjointed feeling in the first paragraph was out of place, because the voice of it was more conversational, considering holes in the wall, pillows, bamboo. But the second is more harried, nervous and twisting, and the wording and the structure really emphasised that. I found the lack of articles a little weird ... maybe you could start out saying "the eyes/my eyes" and then proceed to the dropping of the articles, gradually, as things get less personal and defined and more confused?

I've read this a few times now, and I have mixed feelings about it. The opening paragraph is good - you convey the emotion well, the feeling of wanting to throw something but not being satisfied with the choices - this is excellent.

But certain phrases niggle with me. Like "the wind will take away all the thunder" - its confusing with two weather references that perhaps aren't necessarily related. I don't understand "ASL gloves", and the phrase "which may or may not be audible" in relation to the tears is also quite confusing, although I understand you're trying to convey something deeper here. I also think you could cut out "though its only red" regarding her cheek - the previous paragraph makes it quite clear that there's going to be some type of mark on her cheek.

I hope all that makes sense! I really like the voice in this piece though, it really works for me

ASLgloves: click on G under "Main Dictionary" and scroll down to gloves.

Thanks all!

Okay.

I agree with everyone above: this has potential to it, especially the first paragraph.
The second, uh...not so much. It was a little cliche. And we REALLY don't understand what's going on. I especially agree with the way you suddenly begin the second paragrpah with no articles, and that makes it so much more repetitive. Add some setting, description, etcetera, and make it just a bit more original, more weird. Make sure her character is evolved just a bit more, give us a clue about what evoked such a stronf sentiment in her.