Tired

I can't help but feel weak and tired.
Stressed and dull.

Tired, not physically, but emotionally.
The feelings come but do not go.

I feel dull, and numb.
I don't want to feel a thing.

I don't know if I'm weak, depressed, or tired.
But the feelings are there.

Why are the feelings there? what are they like? Can you describe them, compare them to something, tell a story with these feelings? This is all very matter-of-fact and while that works in a journal entry, even a journal entry with linebreaks, it's not going to cut it in poetry.

Try and make the reader feel the same as you. This doesn't mean pounding the abstract idea of feeling depressed and dull into our heads, but guiding us there, trying to evoke the emotion rather than just tell about it. Imagery and metaphor are your best friends here. They tend to be the most versitile and effective forms of "figurative language". They can create scenes that the reader can enter into.

First and foremost, you need to read more poetry. When you're learning to write poetry this is one of the most important things you can do. Read from different eras and styles; find what's constant about how people write poetry and what changes. See what interests you the most, what pulls you into a poem, what makes you want to read it again. From reading you'll get a sense of what's possible and what you should try to do in your own work.

At the moment, this is kind of repetitious. You keep telling us that the narrator is tired, but you really don't tell us why or give us any reason why we should care about the narrator's feelings. Is there something bad that has happened? I know that I sometimes feel dull and tired, though I don't know why, and it usually has to do with a kaleidoscope of random events that simply weighs down my soul. If ou can maybe describe what's going on in the narrator's life, this might even be better, especailly if the narrator doesn't know why he is tired, just knows it.

Anyway, have fun writing!

This is a rather frustrating poem to read. You've told us the speaker is tired emotionally, but never tell us why, and I want to know why! What's wrong? Who wronged her? Why does she feel this way? When did this happen? Where did this happen? How did she come to this?

Who? What? Where? When? Why? How? You don't need to incorporate all those questions into the poem, but a good poet is usually a good journalist as well. You need to ask probing questions of your character. We want a story! Not some statements about teenage angst.

Of course, we could always go the alternative route and say that the frustration is purposeful. Perhaps the speaker doesn't know why she's emotionally tired. Perhaps she's living in some existentialist state of mind and no longer sees the usefulness of it all. But, I don't get that impression from this poem.

So keep on working, and never, ever give up!

Here are three things that make poetry good:

1) Meaning. Every poem needs to have a meaning, and it can be any, from how intolerance is wrong to blue flamingos can live in Antarctica. It's that general. The meaning should be somewhat cryptic: you shouldn't just state "I feel sad and angry". That's not good poetry, it's lyrics.

2) Sound: Alliteration (Sally said stuff, so Sarah sipped sorbet)
Rhyme: I like the Mike
Rhythm: I think this is my fortune.
Etc.

3) Imagery or Emotion: You must paint us a picture in a Dramatic poem. If it's lyrical, then paint an emotion. This can often be linked to meaning.

Basically, show not tell. Make sure you make it interesting, and put your story int he words, sound, meaning, and rhythm you use. Read a lot of good poets and then you'll get better and better.

Hi kristina/ Max.
I agree with the others. it has potential for a great poem but we need a little more information. But don't give it all away. Not that I'm a poetry genius (in fact mine stink)
But keep writing as it's a good start.#
Charlotte

Yes I also agree with everyone else. This poem is actually quiet good and I like how the words seem as though they are weighing you down in your fatigue.

A little more information, such as where your emotions come from, maybe how they could be helped, would be good.

=]

kristina,


If your intent was to bore ("dull, and numb") your readers, then congratulations.

Escape the troglodyte temptation of repetition; give up on the machete half-sentences; throw this away.


Best,
Brad

This confused me, a bit. The narrator seems to be complaining about feeling numb, but then there's this: I don't want to feel a thing.

So is the narrator feeling exactly how he/she wants to feel? Then why complain?

Tired, not physically, but emotionally.

This is a little wordy. Sometimes short and simple is better; you could say "emotionally tired" and be fine.

I don't know if I'm weak, depressed, or tired.
But the feelings are there.

This reads like prose, not poetry.

The whole thing was kind of repetitive. I think if instead of saying "I'm numb," you explored the emotion more, or talked about the source of those feelings, it would help. Thanks for posting, and keep writing! ^_^

This poem did not reach out to me; I didn't understand why you was so tired. But you did a make a good point in stating that you was indeed tired, of course.
More posts soon?